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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286055">In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/zapdosmaster145/pseuds/zapdosmaster145'>zapdosmaster145</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phineas and Ferb</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:28:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>59,869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286055</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/zapdosmaster145/pseuds/zapdosmaster145</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Fan favorite satirical romance writer zapdosmaster145 is back with another smash hit! Following on the events of 'In Praise of Romance,' the two year wait is finally up, meaning it's time for Phineas' and Isabella's first official date - but they weren't planning on getting abducted by aliens! Could this be the weirdest first date in history? Get ready for more shipping than a Freight Emergency Harbor and more fluff than a stampeding horde of giant chinchillas as the definitive Phinabella story for the ages continues! Viewer discretion, as always, is unadvised.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Phineas Flynn/Isabella Garcia-Shapiro</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Long Awaited Date</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Phineas Flynn, I have been in love with you since the day we met. Please go out with me!"</p><p>"Um… Sorry, but, what was your name again?"</p><p>The girl who had confronted Phineas beside his locker in the main hallway of the school flushed red with embarrassment and looked away. "T-Trisha," she shyly stammered. "Did you forget who I was?"</p><p>Phineas recognized her as one of his underclassmen, although he had never caught her name before now. "You're the girl who tripped and spilled her notebooks all across the lunchroom tables that one time, splattering food all over everyone's clothes!"</p><p>"Meep." The girl gulped, turning an even deeper shade of red. "T-that was what you remembered about me?" She began nervously touching the pads of her pointer fingers together.</p><p>"And weren't you also the one whom that pair of underwear that was found in the parking lot of the swimming pool last year belonged to?" Phineas continued, putting his hand to his chin in thought. He failed to notice that Trisha's mouth was twitching, her eyes swimming in tears of embarrassment.</p><p>"We have three classes together and our lockers are only five feet apart, yet those are the only things he knows about me…" she mumbled to herself with lifeless eyes. She hung her head in shame, hoping her brown bangs covered her face. "Phineas, you were so nice to me when I spilled all that jello everywhere. While everyone else was either angry at me for spilling on them or laughing at me for tripping, you came over with a stack of napkins to help me up and clean my spill. And even though it would have been better for me if you <em>hadn't </em>invented that machine to track down who's missing underwear it was, it was sweet that you wanted to get them back to their rightful owner so badly. You're a very wonderful person. That's why―" Trisha bolstered her courage, swiped her cheeks with her sleeve, and locked eyes with him. "That's why I am in love with you! So what is your answer?"</p><p>Phineas sheepishly rubbed the base of his skull, genuinely flattered. "Gee, I didn't realize you thought of me in that way. But Trisha, I'm sorry. There's someone else I like, and she and I already agreed to start dating soon."</p><p>Trisha's shoulders drooped like a sail that suddenly lost its wind. "Oh. O-Okay then. I guess I'll―see you around." With that, she turned and slowly stumped away.</p><p>Phineas gently released a sigh. <em>These two years just keep getting harder and harder to wait.</em></p><hr/><p>Almost two years ago, Phineas had asked Isabella out on a date. However, due to how young they both still were, they had agreed to hold off on that date for two years, until they were old enough to begin a relationship. Now there were less than three months left until the big day arrived.</p><p>Phineas couldn't wait. His first shared kiss with Isabella that day had changed his entire world view about romance. It was getting to the point where he was having trouble focusing in his classes with Isabella. He kept finding himself staring at her long, flowing, silky hair, instead of listening to the teacher. Or admiring the tightness of the clothes wrapped against her slender body instead of taking notes. Why, just the other day, he had almost accidentally installed a self-destruct button on the frog DNA sequencer he had been building in his biology class, simply because he was paying too much attention to her! If Ferb hadn't been there to elbow him in warning, Phineas might have unwittingly ended up causing an explosion in class!</p><p>He had even started having dreams about kissing her. What was wrong with him? The very thought of the act used to gross him out. He could remember how when Candace and Jeremy were engaged, they were always making out on the couch in the living room, going to town like a shirtless Drusselstienian in a 1957 Boomshlaka 320-I. It looked revolting back then. Now, here he was, having similar fantasies about Isabella―wishing he could hold her close, gaze deeply into her eyes, their faces inching closer, the pucker in his lips spreading…</p><p><em>Don't think about that!</em> He came to himself, catching the drool that was forming at the corner of his mouth. <em>I just have to hold out for a few more weeks!</em></p><hr/><p>The bell rang, signalling the end of the day. Phineas and Ferb waited outside the student council room for Isabella, part of their daily routine. She was the student body president, and thus usually had a few extra duties to take care of after school each day before they walked home together. Ferb was some distance away, chatting on his cell with his girlfriend, Vanessa―or at least, what counted as "chatting" for the aphonic Ferb. They had been dating for about two years now. No one ever seemed to mention the age difference, but they had been a thing for so long now that Phineas didn't think anyone even cared anymore.</p><p>Ferb and Vanessa seemed perfect for each other. Phineas wished he and Isabella would turn out to be as compatible. Which reminded him. Now that they were finally reaching the age where they were old enough to start dating―the fact that Trisha had just asked him out got him thinking. <em>What if another boy were to ask Isabella out?</em></p><p>"Yo, look who it is! Phineas and Ferb!" someone called from down the hallway.</p><p>Ferb didn't seem to hear, but Phineas twisted around to see who had addressed them. "Oh, hey, Marco!" he greeted. Marco was the team captain and star player of the boy's soccer club. He was handsome and popular around school.</p><p>"Are you two ready for summer break?" Marco asked with a knowing look. Everyone knew Phineas and Ferb were the kings of summer.</p><p>"You know it!" Phineas grinned. "There's only, what? A week and a half left until school is over? We're totally psyched!"</p><p>Marco folded his arms and nodded smugly. "Which means now's the time to get a girlfriend, before summer starts!"</p><p>"Woah, you're right!" Phineas said, placing his chin in his hand as he thought about Isabella. "In order to have the ideal summer fling, right now is probably the best opportunity―the exact time a couple should begin dating, to maximize their time available together."</p><p>"There is someone in particular I want to ask out," Marco shrugged nonchalantly. "The prettiest girl in the school, but I heard she is real hard to get. She's turned down at least half the boys in this school already."</p><p>"Is that so?" Phineas said. "I heard there was a girl that was rejecting a lot of love confessions from boys lately." The rumors had been spreading throughout the school recently, but he didn't know which girl it was they were referring to.</p><p>"Yeah. But I think, if <em>I</em> ask her, she'll say yes. I am one of the most popular guys in the school, after all! No girl could turn me down!"</p><p>Phineas had a thought. "Say, didn't you also mention she was the prettiest girl in the school?" In Phineas' eyes, only one person matched that description. "Couldn't that only be―?"</p><p>"Yeah, you know who I'm talking about, don't you?" Marco sidled up to put his arm around Phineas and whisper in his ear. "Hey, you're pretty good friends with her, right? Have any tips for me? What does she like?"</p><p>"..."</p><p>Just then, the door to the student council room opened, and Isabella stepped out to join them. "Hey Phineas!" she waved, cheerfully. "Oh, and Marco, I didn't expect to see you here."</p><p>"Wish me luck!" Marco whispered before lurching away to swing his arm around Isabella in the exact same way. "Hola, Isabella! Fancy running into you! Say, I was thinking. You're the girls' soccer team captain. I'm the boys' team captain. We're basically two peas in a pod, right?"</p><p>"I―guess so…" Isabella reluctantly agreed, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.</p><p>"It's almost like we were fated to be together," Marco reminisced, pulling her closer to him so that their shoulders were touching. Turning to her, he then said, "Hey, I just had a totally random and not premeditated idea―we should date! We'd be the perfect couple! The whole school wouldn't be able to stop talking about us! Whaddayathink?"</p><p>Isabella swiftly pushed him aside. "Sorry, not interested," she said, neatly tapping the stack of papers she was carrying against a nearby table to straighten them.</p><p>Marco clutched at his freshly wounded heart. "Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" An instant later, he was forlornly stooping on the floor down at the end of the hallway, tracing shapes on the ground with his finger.</p><p>Isabella sighed softly. "So, Phineas, what'cha do―Phineas?" She turned to see that Phineas' jaw had fallen clear to the floor.</p><p>"You―got―asked―out―by―someone?" He could barely grunt each word out, while his finger pointed back and forth between Isabella and Marco every other syllable. "I don't believe it," Phineas muttered to himself, now staring at his palms. "Isabella got asked out on the same day as me, what are the odds of that?"</p><p>"I get asked out by someone new three times a week," Isabella offhandedly remarked. "It's a pretty frequent occurrence around here."</p><p>A beat.</p><p>Two beats.</p><p>Three.</p><p>"Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Phineas immediately joined Marco's side, similarly crouching on the ground, tracing out shapes. "She's that popular, without me even noticing…" he muttered softly, his mind utterly blown.</p><p>Isabella tilted her head slightly, then giggled to herself.</p><hr/><p>"So <em>you're</em> the rumored girl who has been turning down boys left and right," Phineas said, straddled on either side by Ferb and Isabella as the three walked home together.</p><p>"Well, I did promise that I'd go out with you all that time ago, didn't I?" Isabella smiled at the redhead.</p><p>"You remembered?!" Phineas exclaimed. They hadn't talked about it since the day they agreed to it. "Even though we were just kids when we made that promise?"</p><p>"Of course!"</p><p>"And you still want to go out with me?"</p><p>"Yes!" she said without hesitation. "I've been looking forward to it this whole time!"</p><p>Phineas swayed on his feet slightly as they strode along, trying to keep himself from grinning like an idiot. "Ehehehehehe," he failed.</p><p>"I'm free on Friday," Isabella prompted.</p><p>Phineas' knees almost buckled. "But it hasn't been a full two years yet," he said, slumping slightly. "The date we agreed on isn't until the middle of summer."</p><p>"I'm fine with moving up the date if you are."</p><p>Phineas' heart was suddenly hammering like a―well, jackhammer. <em>She wants to move up the date!</em> He took a deep breath to control his nerves. <em>I didn't know that was even an option!</em></p><p>"Really?" he flushed. "Uh―Friday sounds good! How's my schedule, Ferb?"</p><p>Ferb gave the thumbs up. That settled it.</p><p>The rest of the walk passed in mostly small talk about school and some medium talk about the other boys Isabella had rejected, but practically no large talk about any subject whatsoever. When Isabella got home, she closed the door to her room so she was alone before pumping her fist victoriously. "Yes!"</p><p>When Phineas got home, he closed the door to his room so he was alone before pumping his fist victoriously. "Yes!"</p><p>Ferb, happy that his step-brother had finally broken the ice―a metaphorical chunk of ice that was probably bigger than the actual iceberg which sank the Titanic―also pumped his fist victoriously. "...!"</p><hr/><p>Friday arrived quickly. <em>Almost TOO</em> <em>quickly.</em></p><hr/><p>As they walked home from school, Phineas confirmed with Isabella the plan for her to come over later that afternoon for their date. With that taken care of, he only had a short time to get ready.</p><p>It was time for him to do the thing he had been dreading for a long time. <em>I guess it's time to tell her. She's going to say, "I told you so." </em>After all, she did tell him so. Phineas grimaced as he pulled out his cell phone and dialed his sister Candace's number.</p><p>"Hey, Candace! It's Phineas. Right, you have caller ID, I just didn't want to make any assumptions... Oh, how's Amanda doing? ...She's pooping that much now? Wow, babies really do grow fast! ...Right, I'm calling because I wanted to ask you something. You see, Isabella and I are―well, you know, going on our first official date tonight―<em>sigh...</em> yeah, you told me so. I don't know what to do, I needed to ask you for some date ideas. Yeah, hold on... Okay, I have my pen ready..."</p><p>Phineas' hand was cramping long before Candace paused to even take a breath.</p><hr/><p>"I don't know, Candace, I'm just not feeling any of these…" Phineas lamented to his sister. "Just hear me out. What if, instead of playing the claw machine to try winning Isabella a stuffed animal, Ferb and I built a giant claw machine where―here's the kicker―instead of having a claw, you strapped yourself in and tried pulling the stuffed animal out of the machine yourself? Like bungie jumping! But into a pile of stuffed animals instead of into water!"</p><p>"No!" Candace insisted.</p><p>"What if, instead of going to see a movie, Isabella and I filmed our own movie, and instead of being only 3D, it would be one you could watch in six dimensions?!"</p><p>"No!" Candace again refuted.</p><p>"Okay, what if, instead of going out and having a nice dinner somewhere, Isabella and I started our own restaurant, and built a replica of the Statue of Liberty out of nothing but escargot and sliced cheese?"</p><p>"For the last time, Phineas, NO!" Candace repeated. "You asked me for date ideas, and I gave you date ideas! Not crazy project ideas for you and Ferb's bustable little schemes! Nobody does any of those things on dates! Dates are supposed to be nice and relaxing chances to have fun and get to know each other. Think bumper cars, not monster trucks! Going for horseback rides, not building rollercoaster rides! What I'm saying is, no inventions!"</p><p>Phineas deadpanned. "What?"</p><p>"No gadgets, no gimmicks, just pure romantic atmosphere!"</p><p>"...I-if that's what you think is best," Phineas slumped. "After all, you're the expert."</p><p>"Got that right! Listen, it's time for Amanda's nap. I gotta go. Call me back if you need any more advice."</p><p>"Okay, talk to you later, Candace!"</p><p>"Good luck, lover boy!" After a snicker, she hung up.</p><p>"No inventions," Phineas repeated to himself, pensively looking over Candace's list. "This is going to be harder than I thought."</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Dingdong!</em>
</p><p>Phineas opened the door to find Isabella wearing her usual pink skirt, the bow on her head perfectly centered in the cutest way. "Hey Phineas!" She immediately gave him her usual salutation. "What'cha doin'?"</p><p>"Oh, Isabella! You're here early!" Phineas said, quickly hiding his practice script in his back pocket. "You, um, look great, as usual!"</p><p>Isabella touched her dimple and winked back in reply. "Why, thank you!"</p><p>Candace had stressed he had to compliment her appearance right away. He wasn't expecting his heart to skip a beat when Isabella responded by shooting him such a cute pose. It seemed Candace really did know what she was talking about. He strengthened his resolve to have a little faith in Candace's method.</p><p>"So, what are we going to do?" Isabella asked.</p><p>Phineas forced a smile. "I was thinking―how does going to a movie sound?" He gritted his teeth slightly at the prospect of doing something so far below Ferb's and his usual standards; but Candace said this was what he should do, and if it made Isabella happy, he could bear it.</p><p>"Sounds great!" Isabella beamed.</p><p>Phineas forced a smile through gritted teeth. "Well then, shall we?" With an elegant wave of his hand, he led her out the door.</p><hr/><p>"Wow, that movie was great!" Isabella beamed, walking at Phineas' side.</p><p>"I'm glad you liked it," was all he said.</p><p>"The music was especially good! What was your favorite part?"</p><p>Phineas put his hand on his chin. "I'd say―the part at the Civil War Museum where the piano fell on the father-in-law's toupe, that was very amusing." He put his hands back in his pockets.</p><p>Isabella was looking sidelong at him. "Is everything okay?" she asked.</p><p>He popped back to attention. "Yeah, it's fine!" he responded. "Want to go get some grub next? I'm getting sort of hungry!"</p><hr/><p>"Wow, this cheeseburger tastes great!" Isabella beamed, sitting across from him at the diner they had chosen.</p><p>"I'm glad you like it." He forced another smile.</p><p>After another bite, Isabella swallowed and said, "Are you sure you're alright, Phineas? You've barely touched your shake."</p><p>He hurriedly shoveled a mountainous spoonful of ice cream into his mouth. "Argh!" he sputtered, feverishly rubbing his temples. "Brainfreeze!"</p><p>Isabella giggled. "Look, I think I know what's going on. You don't have to put on airs for me, Phineas. This is nice, but if your idea of a fun date is inventing, then that's what I want to do, too."</p><p>Phineas looked up, having recovered from his brainfreeze. "You saw right through me, didn't you? I just wanted you to be happy and have a fun time, that's all."</p><p>"Phineas," Isabella gently chided, "as long as we're together, I'm always having fun! But you have to be having fun, too! And I can tell when you aren't."</p><p>"I am having fun! It's just…" He trailed off.</p><p>"It's okay, Phineas! Let's go do whatever you want to do. And it doesn't have to be something 'datey.' Remember, back on that day, you didn't just promise me you'd take me on a date. You also promised you wouldn't quit being your usual, creative self, which is my favorite part about you!"</p><p>Phineas felt his face getting hot. "Really? You―<em>like</em> that part about me?"</p><p>Isabella blushed. "Don't―don't make it sound weird!" She took another bite.</p><p>Phineas relaxed for the first time that evening. "Okay, let's do it! I was gonna take you to the bowling alley after this, but why don't we go to the park instead and build our own bowling alley?! I'll have to make a few calls, order some parts, but we could still finish it before it gets dark. Hey, that gives me an idea: let's make it glow in the dark, so we can still play a round after nightfall!"</p><hr/><p>The massive structure the bowling lanes had been fitted to provided for all sorts of twists and turns, loop-de-loops, a pinball machine section, slides and pulleys, and even a Plinko game board. However, all was quiet now, and the two, having finished their game, were now laying side-by-side on the grass, quietly gazing at the star-filled sky.</p><p>Phineas, having released his pent up urges to invent, was feeling better. "Ahh," he said, taking a deep breath while sinking deeper into his bed of grass. "It's a shame the glow-in-the-dark bowling alley is obscuring some of the starlight, but it's still a nice night."</p><p>"The stars are still beautiful, even like this," Isabella mused. "Hey, Phineas, what's that?" She pointed at one of the constellations high overhead.</p><p>"That's the Summer Triangle," Phineas quickly explained, "an asterism composed from three of some of the brightest stars in the northern hemisphere during summer: Vega, Deneb, and Altair. If you connect Deneb with those stars next to it, that forms one of the wings of its neighboring constellation, Cygnus the Swan."</p><p>"No, I meant, what's that?" Isabella repeated, pointing again.</p><p>One of the stars was getting brighter. Much, much brighter. Soon, the two of them had to shield their eyes with their hands.</p><p>"I don't know," Phineas said, while the light continued to surround them.</p><p>The bright light that was approaching became more distinct as the distance between them shrank, and they began hearing a rushing noise coming from the sky. The perspective change caused the light to split into many smaller lights which took the shape of a ring, on account of the fact they were spinning.</p><p>"Phineas?" Isabella shouted nervously. "I think―it's a flying saucer! And it's coming straight toward us!"</p><p>Phineas jumped to his feet and pulled Isabella up with him. "Run!"</p><p>The ear-splitting noise became louder, and the wind was really picking up around them. The UFO was directly overhead, and the lights now fully encapsulated them.</p><p>"Phineas!"</p><p>"Isabella!"</p><p>As she ran, Isabella started floating in the air, getting pulled upward by the lights. Phineas reached for her hand to grab her, and immediately felt his own feet being lifted off the ground. Just like that, the two of them were whisked higher and higher, being beamed upwards by the light.</p><p>
  <em>CRASH!</em>
</p><p>That was the last thing he saw before everything around Phineas went dark.</p><p>In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 1: The Long Awaited Date</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Preview</em>
</p><p>"<em>Oh no, Phineas! It looks like we've been abducted by aliens!"</em></p><p>"<em>You mean we're going back into space again? Cool!"</em></p><p>"<em>Yeah, but this isn't exactly how I had hoped our first date would end up… Hey, who's this old alien we're stuck with?"</em></p><p>"<em>Greetings, Earthlings! Would you two be kind enough to teach me the customs of courtship on your planet? With as much detail as you can, if possible. Perhaps you could include a demonstration, if you wouldn't mind."</em></p><p>"<em>A d-demonstration? Sure, we'll help you with your research, right, Isabella?"</em></p><p>"<em>Um, hey, wait! Phineas, why are you suddenly drooling?"</em></p><p>Next time on Lovetopia: <em>In Sickness And In Health―And In Alien Abduction!</em> </p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Fan's Notes: Character Bios</strong>
</p><p><strong>Phineas Flynn<br/></strong> <strong>Species: Human (Male)<br/></strong> <strong>Ht: 5'11"/1.80 m. Wt: 171 lbs./77.6 kg. Age: 15 years. Eye color: Blue<br/></strong> <strong>A prodigious inventor, optimist, and adventure-seeker. He and his stepbrother are nearly inseparable. Has romantic feelings for his childhood friend, Isabella Garcia-Shapiro.</strong></p><p><strong>Isabella Garcia-Shapiro<br/></strong> <strong>Species: Human (Female)</strong><br/><strong>Ht: 5'10"/1.77 m. Wt: 136 lbs./61.7 kg. Age: 15 years. Eye color: Blue<br/></strong> <strong>Student Class President and captain of the girls' soccer team. Is friendly and approachable. Has romantic feelings for her childhood friend, Phineas Flynn.</strong></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. In Sickness And In Health―And In Alien Abduction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Blinking against the harsh lights that filled the room around her, Isabella pulled herself up to a sitting position. As she rubbed her eyes, a matrix of metal bars came into focus, and she realized she was locked inside a cage.</p><p>"Hey, what's going on? Where am I?" she demanded, reaching out to rattle the bars.</p><p>Something groaned behind her in response. Isabella turned to see Phineas stirring awake in the center of the cage. "Phineas! Are you alright?" She scooted to his side.</p><p>"Yeah, I think so," he said, rubbing his forehead as he sat up. "What about you?"</p><p>"I'm fine." Looking up, Isabella suddenly noticed they weren't alone. In the far corner of the cage sat an alien with a humanoid body and pale gray skin. The clothes he wore were ragged and dirty. Glasses were perched on his long nose, complimenting his bushy white mustache. He looked lost in thought as he watched the two acquaint themselves with their new surroundings.</p><p>"Greetings, Earthlings," he said. "I am Gulliver, and as you can see, you have been abducted, just like me."</p><p>Isabella glanced around her cramped surroundings once more. The cage was too small to stand up in. They were surrounded by crates and other various cargo, which obscured their view of most of the room. From what she could see, the room had a door with a panel full of blinking diodes and buttons not far to their left.</p><p>"My name is Phineas, and this is Isabella." Phineas took it upon himself to introduce the pair to their cellmate. "Does this mean we're in space?"</p><p>"Yes," replied the alien. His raspy voice reminded Isabella of an old man's. "I'm afraid we're probably several light-years away from your home planet by now."</p><p>"Cool!" Phineas grinned widely. Isabella always loved his boundless optimism, but―</p><p>"You're not frightened?" the alien who was called Gulliver asked. Unlike Isabella, he did not know Phineas always looked at the bright side of things.</p><p>"Why would we be?" Phineas said. "There's still gotta be tons of cool stuff left to do in space!"</p><p>"We've been to space before," Isabella explained, noting the surprised look on the alien's face. "However, Phineas, shouldn't we be at least a little worried?"</p><p>Her words seemed to bring him back down to earth―figuratively speaking, not literally. "I guess so," he said, although his grin did not completely fade away.</p><p>"Listen, Earthlings," Gulliver whispered in a worried tone, "I know Earth hasn't had a lot of interaction with the Galactic Hub, so I understand if you do not fully appreciate the direness of the situation we are currently in. You see, this ship belongs to the―"</p><p>Gulliver was cut off when the door to their left slid open. A blue-skinned, broad-shouldered alien with big yellow eyes, sharp cheekbones, and small, white fangs strode into the room. The alien was so muscular, he looked like a bodybuilder. He was flanked by two smaller aliens, who waited posted by the door, at the ready. The tall alien was wearing a black leather jacket, and his pair of trousers were wrapped in no less than five different belts of varying shapes and sizes.</p><p>"Welcome, Earthlings," the tall alien said, squatting down to look more closely at Isabella and Phineas. Gulliver shrunk back into his corner of the cell, looking away from the scene. "As of this moment, you are my prisoners!" He stood back up to full height. "Escape is futile, so do not even attempt it! We will be arriving at the rendezvous point where my buyer awaits to take you off my hands in approximately eight of your Earth hours, so I suggest you get what rest you can before then."</p><p>"Who are you? What do you want with us?" Phineas demanded.</p><p>"Who am I, you ask?" The alien faced his back to them, removing his jacket. "I am he who single-handedly defeated the Jupteinery Blob of the Horsehead Nebula in hand to hand combat!" He raised his arms to flex his biceps, striking an imposing figure. "I am he who purloined the Wrambranch Amulet from the Witch of Salmoo IV!" He curled his arms and twisted his spine, revealing his bulging pecs and chiseled abs. "I am also he who opened the sealed doors to the Brinebyurne Caverns of Flaffscoff just by shaking my booty!" He shook his booty, causing his impeccably toned glutes to jiggle and bounce. "I am the Captain of this ship! The most infamous pirate in the Milky Way Galaxy, Captain Wyler Jabberwock!" His white fangs glinted through his flashy smile, while the very air immediately surrounding his body seemed to crackle in electricity as he struck his final pose.</p><p><em>Oh my gosh!</em> Isabella swooned at the eye candy, her pupils glazing over. <em>Now there's a man who really puts the ketchup on the meatloaf! Wait, what am I saying? Phineas is right next to me! Focus, Isabella, focus! Ignore the meatloaf!</em></p><p>Phineas snickered. "Jabberwock? That's your actual name?! As in, 'Beware the Jabberwock, my son?'" He chortled louder, all while sneaking glances at Isabella. "<em>That</em> Jabberwock?"</p><p><em>Is that a hint of jealousy in Phineas that I detect? </em>Isabella mentally slapped herself. <em>I'm sorry, Phineas! I only looked one time! It didn't mean anything!</em></p><p>"It seems you've heard of me," the Captain said as he lowered his pose, checking and adjusting his many belts, before letting a heavy sigh escape and pulling his jacket back on. "I thought Earth was outside the Galactic Hub―those bothersome wanted posters really are spreading too far," he muttered to himself.</p><p><em>I don't think he knows that's the same name as a famous poem,</em> Isabella thought.</p><p>"It matters not," Captain Jabberwock finally concluded, turning back to Isabella and Phineas. "I don't know what my buyer plans to do with you, but since Earth has such a small gravitational field, you're both pretty weak. I assume it isn't to make you laborers. You'll probably be used as entertainment, or be kept as pets if you're lucky. I don't care. As long as my buyer pays me as promised, I'll soon be rid of you. And as for you, old man," he added, pointing a finger towards Gulliver, "after I am finished delivering these two, I'm going to greatly enjoy returning you back to that stinkin' cesspit of a moon we found you on. You can give that wench my regards." With that, Captain Jabberwock strode menacingly back out of the room, leaving the other two aliens behind to stand guard.</p><p>Isabella and Phineas stared after him in silence. "Get a load of that guy, huh?" Phineas said, miserably failing at hiding his jealousy. Then, as if suddenly feeling guilty for harboring any ill will, he amended, "What I meant to say is, I'm sure he's a nice guy once you get to know him."</p><p>Isabella sighed. "We've got to find a way out of here, and get back home."</p><p>"That would be impossible," Gulliver quickly noted. "Captain Jabberwock may truly be the most <em>infamous </em>pirate in the galaxy, but his first mate is a Yandarian. They're one of the most feared races in the galaxy; everyone from the planet Yandaray is a warrior with incredible strength. Trust me, no man would ever want to cross paths with one. If it means having to go through a Yandarian, escaping is impossible."</p><p><em>Wait, why'd you put emphasis on the word </em>infamous<em>?</em></p><p>Before Isabella could express her concerns, Phineas rattled off a predictably in-character platitude, "The only thing impossible is impossibility," while inching forward to investigate the brig's key lock.</p><p>One of the guards rammed the part of the cage he was inspecting with a spiked, mace-like weapon, forcing Phineas to retreat somewhat back inside.</p><p>"Sorry, you were right, it is impossible…" he confessed.</p><hr/><p>The three of them had each settled down into a different corner of their confinement. Isabella was starting to feel sleepy. It was probably late at night by now back on Earth. However, to her chagrin, the cell they were in didn't have anything soft to lay on. She sat propped with her back against the bars, trying to find a way to distract herself from the discomfort.</p><p>"Hey, you said your name was Gulliver, right?" she asked. The alien looked up in response and nodded. "What did the Captain mean by 'returning you back to where they found you?' How did you get stuck in here with us?"</p><p>Gulliver took a deep breath. "Back on my home world, I am a scientist. For the past thirty Graturnian cycles, I have been traveling the galaxy, cataloguing the fauna of every known inhabited planet. But while I was conducting my research on mammalian hexapods, I ended up getting stranded on one of the moons of Salmoo, a primitive world still stuck in its Stone Ages. I stowed away on this ship while Captain Jabberwock happened to be passing by, since chances were slim that I would be able to hitch another ride out of the system until Salmoo underwent its agricultural and industrial revolutions and entered its space age. The Captain blames me as the cause for his being cursed by the Witch of Salmoo IV, so as payback, he plans to maroon me in that backwaters system once more."</p><p>"That doesn't sound good," Isabella offered her condolences.</p><p>"You're a scientist from your home planet? Cool!" Of course, that was the topic of conversation that most interested Phineas.</p><p>"Yes, I have always found the wide variety of ecosystems that have evolved across the vast diversity of planets in the galaxy to be quite fascinating. Many systems host some form of intelligent life, and even in a brief study of them, you'll quickly find that they all have their own distinct cultures, their own stamps of individuality, making every locale a unique and wondrous world to explore.</p><p>"My life's dream has been to catalogue every biological form and species in the galaxy and compile it all into a sixty volume compendium, which I plan to one day submit to the Interstellar Confederation of Scientists at the Galactic Hub. I'll call it, 'The Tale of Gulliver's Travels.' That's got a nice ring to it, wouldn't you say?"</p><p>Isabella and Phineas glanced at each other. "Um, isn't that title already taken?" Isabella asked.</p><p>"What do you mean?" responded Gulliver.</p><p>"Well you see, on Earth, a book with that name already exists," Phineas said.</p><p>"Seriously?" Gulliver pounded his fist on the metal floor. "My life's work, and some Earthling has already written it? After all my hard work, I'll surely be accused of plagiarizing!" His eyes turned sullen.</p><p>Isabella raised her hands to clarify. "Um, except, your book is about something completely different, so as long as you change the title, you should be fine, right?"</p><p>A glimmer of hope returned to the scientist. "I see," he said thoughtfully, after a short pause. "That's too bad, I did really like that title. It seems I have been remiss in my research of your planet not to have known about this. Say, Earthlings, how would you like to help me with my research? I haven't been to Earth yet. What else can you tell me about it?"</p><hr/><p>Isabella woke with a start. Their chat with Gulliver had lasted for an hour before she and Phineas decided to try to get some rest. There had been nowhere soft to lie down, so she had waited until Phineas was snoring gently before leaning over and resting her head on his chest. Remembering where she was, she nestled back into her rising and falling pillow―she didn't want this to stop quite yet, and as long as she got up before he did, he would never know…</p><p>"Say, Isabella," a voice called from behind her. "The way you are sleeping together like that―I take it that means you and Phineas are each other's mates?"</p><p>Ever so slowly, Isabella turned around, twisting until she met Gulliver's gaze. He was watching them intensely, a writing utensil quivering above a stack of sheets in his hands. Her face instantly burned a deep crimson.</p><p>"Wha-wha-wha?!" Words wouldn't form. Nonfunctional mouth agape, she resorted to feverishly performing a sequence of arm thrusts in the air, incoherently gesticulating.</p><p>"Fascinating," Gulliver muttered, as his pen whipped back and forth across his notebook at incredible speed.</p><p>Phineas stirred at her movement. "Ugh, what time is it? Hey, Isabella, what's the matter?" He looked back and forth between Gulliver and her.</p><p>"Phineas, do tell me," Gulliver said, his pen never lifting from the page, "how long have the two of you been mates? Oh, and while we're on the subject, do Earthlings have any courting rituals? If so, what are they?"</p><p>"What?" Phineas asked, rubbing his eyes. "Rituals?" The meaning of the words suddenly registered. "Wait, d-did you say, m-mates?" Like Isabella, Phineas began blushing until his face was redder than his hair. "I-I'm not sure what you mean." He scratched his left ear surreptitiously.</p><p>"Hmm? Is my translation mustache malfunctioning? What I mean is, are the two of you united together for the purpose of creating offspring?"</p><p>Isabella felt herself floundering as she attempted to avoid either of their gazes.</p><p>Phineas was at least able to enunciate. "We-we've only gone on one date…"</p><p>"Illuminating!" The scribbles became even louder. "Tell me more about these 'dates.' What does the 'date ritual' involve?"</p><p>Isabella was again wildly waving her arms out in front of her. "It's not what you think!" she finally articulated. Gulliver gave her an intense look, expecting her to elaborate. "Dates are―they're just activities you do together to measure your compatibility with one another!"</p><p>"Astounding!" Gulliver returned to writing more notes. "And if you find your compatibility is high, what happens next?"</p><p>"Uh…" Isabella blushed again. "I suppose―you kiss…"</p><p>"Incredible!" Gulliver swiped at his brow with his sleeve. "Forgive me for being tedious, but explain that to me―what is a 'kiss?' Please include as much detail as possible. Perhaps you could give me a demonstration, if you wouldn't mind. It would help advance my research considerably!"</p><p><em>He wants to see us </em>kiss<em>?</em> Isabella resisted the urge, she fought it to the end, but it was inevitable: she glanced at Phineas to see his reaction. He was breathing more heavily than usual, and his tongue was sticking out, making him look like a panting dog. "A d-demonstration…" he whispered, staring at Isabella with big, puppy dog eyes. He licked his lips.</p><p>"R-right here?" Isabella panicked.</p><p>"I-if it's only to help you with your research… I guess we c-could… Right, Isabella?" He began inching toward her on his hands and knees.</p><p>"Um, hey, wait! Phineas, why are you suddenly drooling?"</p><p>"Isabella, don't move away from me like that, I just want to help Gulliver complete his research…"</p><p>"No, wait, this is all too sudden… Ahhhhh!"</p><p>
  <em>SLAP!</em>
</p><hr/><p>"Ah, so a kiss is when you bring your mucous membranes into contact," Gulliver repeated as he returned to writing. "Forgive me for stating the obvious, but that doesn't seem biologically necessary for the production of offspring, so why is it such an integral part of your species' courting customs?"</p><p>"Our own planet's scientists aren't fully sure themselves," Phineas said, rubbing the hand-shaped welt now residing on his cheek.</p><p>"Sorry for wiping all that drool from your mouth so roughly," Isabella apologized again, holding a straight face.</p><p>"I'm sorry for drooling so much, how uncouth. I don't know what came over me." Phineas turned back to Gulliver. "According to some scholars, kissing developed in ancient India at some point in the last 10,000-50,000 years. Many believe the behavior evolved from mouth-feeding infants into an expression of passion. Some historians claim that romantic kissing became a widespread cultural phenomenon under Alexander the Great after his visit to India, spreading with the Greeks. In modern times, romantic kissing is usually reserved for couples, but many cultures around the world also kiss as a way of greeting each other, or for expressing one's affection for close friends and family."</p><p>Isabella gave Phineas a curious look. "How do you know so much about the history of kissing?" she directed pointedly.</p><p>His cheeks flushed slightly and he looked away. "F-Ferb told me," he ultimately responded, scratching his left ear.</p><p>"Wonderful," Gulliver muttered aloud, before finishing his notes and closing his notebook. "This information has greatly aided my research! Thank you both very much!"</p><p>"I thought you said your research was about alien animals?"</p><p>"Yes, but studying the unique aspects of each species' mating rituals is an important part of that!"</p><p>Isabella sighed. "Fair enough."</p><p>At that moment, the door to the brig slid open, and Captain Jabberwock strode lazily in. "We are close to arriving at the location of my buyer," he announced, as the alien pirates who had been standing watch over the cage moved forward to insert the key. "It's time to say goodbye to everything you ever knew. Your new lives begin starting now."</p><hr/><p>Isabella and Phineas stepped out of the cage as they were told. After one of the pirates relocked the cell with Guliver still inside, Isabella was prodded in the back with a futuristic-looking spear, goading her toward the door like a steer. Captain Jabberwock led them down a hallway past rows of flashy lights that looked very much in place for the interior of an alien spaceship. They were brought to another sliding door and stepped into a room that Isabella could tell on sight was the galley.</p><p>"My buyer will be expecting the two of you to be hearty and healthy when we arrive," Captain Jabberwock explained as he picked his fangs with a fingernail. "So get some grub, and you can use the washroom at this time. Don't try doing anything foolish now, my crew will be watching you very closely."</p><p>Isabella defensively wrapped her arms across her bosom. "Hoping to see me change? You filthy pirates!"</p><p>Captain Jabberwock tsked. "Don't get your panties in a twist, miss. I have made arrangements to handle this little delicacy."</p><p>As soon as he said those words, the sliding door opened, and in walked a tall female alien who Isabella didn't doubt was one of the most beautiful women she'd ever seen. She had light yellow skin and luscious blond hair, which was styled perfectly in a wide braid that showered down her back like a waterfall of gold coins. This new alien had a sword-like weapon at her waist and was girded in armor that protected her vital organs, yet simultaneously revealed much of her feminine figure and extremely toned muscles. She exuded an air that seemed to fill the room and take command of the situation―or maybe that was because she looked ready to rush into battle at the slightest trigger.</p><p>"This is my first mate, Andromeda."</p><p>Andromeda's cold, intense stare was set squarely on Isabella, causing her mouth to go dry.</p><p>"As they say, ladies first." Captain Jabberwock jerked his head, and Andromeda wordlessly stepped forward to squeeze Isabella's upper arm in a vice-like grip, leading her to the washroom. The alien was even taller up close; Isabella had to practically jog to match the beauty's long, elegant strides.</p><p>Isabella was given no privacy as she was permitted to relieve herself and wash her face. Her chaperon never spoke once, only continued to stare at Isabella with that same, icy gaze. Since it was most uncomfortable, Isabella hurried, and minutes later, she was seated at a bench in the mess hall while Phineas was escorted off by one of the pirates for his turn.</p><p>The Captain had apparently left, and so as soon as Phineas was gone, a bowl full of blue, gooey liquid sticking to a spoon was dropped in front of her. "Ew," Isabella said after one look. The blue substance had the consistency of egg white, she thought, attempting to withdraw the spoon from the viscous slurry.</p><p>"Eat," commanded the female alien, the first word she had spoken since appearing.</p><p>Isabella didn't trust that her overseer wouldn't draw her sword and charge at her if she didn't obey, so she reluctantly scooped a small amount up and brought it to her mouth, bracing.</p><p>It tasted like―<em>nothing?</em></p><p>It was like eating air. Yet she could feel her stomach filling, her body being nourished. Isabella decided this wasn't too bad, and quickly ate more. Being perfectly tasteless, neither good nor bad, she couldn't make up her mind about whether she disliked this food or not. It was kind of surreal.</p><p>"What do you call this?" she asked as she scooped up what was left at the bottom of the bowl.</p><p>"I think they said it was called 'mesyol,'" Phineas announced, having just returned. "Apparently, it's the ultimate space food. Contains every essential nutrient!" He looked as chipper as ever, nothing could dull his spirits. Isabella guessed he must have been served some 'mesyol' while she had been out cleaning up.</p><p>"I wish it would at least taste like―something," Isabella remarked.</p><hr/><p>Having thus breakfasted, Isabella and Phineas were led down another hallway, this one full of mechanical pipes and dials. Phineas, who was inspecting all the equipment curiously as they passed, stopped in his tracks and suddenly said, "Is that the line leading to the fuel thrusters, by chance? It looks like the pressure reading is low―my guess is you have a faulty injector. I could take a look at it for you, if you'd like. Oh, and you should also consider rerouting your thermal couplings so that the engines won't overheat―"</p><p>"Phineas, they abducted us, remember? We aren't supposed to be <em>helping</em> them!"</p><p>"Shut up and keep moving!" A pirate pushed Phineas in the back, causing him to stumble forward.</p><p>"Sorry, sorry," he said, obediently marching once again.</p><p>Eventually they reached a large door which slid open from the floor up, accompanied by a platform that extended itself from the ship to the ground. Isabella and Phineas were swallowed up in the view of a beautiful cityscape on an alien planet.</p><hr/><p>ARRIVAL: PLANET TRICITUS</p><p>The sky was purple. Huge skyscrapers towered in the distance, dominating the scenery. Many had sculptures atop the apexes of their superstructures, most of them wild and exotic. Lines of hovercar traffic extended overhead for miles in every direction in a multi-layered grid, some moving fast, others hardly moving at all. Balloon-like platforms floated high in the clouds, aliens flew by in jetpacks and spacesuits, and massive billboards advertised everything from soft drinks to flying shoes, covering every square inch of available surface area.</p><p>It was a lot to take in, yet they were only given a second to look around before being prodded to move again. Isabella was conflicted between amazement and worry as she traced Phineas' footsteps down the gangplank.</p><p>Isabella stepped onto a manicured lawn of blue-green grass when a tug on her shoulder by the female pirate compelled her to wait. The ship had landed in an open field, a sort of nature park, some distance from the hustle and bustle. There were a few trees closeby with rubbery-looking stems that serpentined weightlessly to dizzying heights, sprouting purple and pink flowers in their canopy. The flower petals looked to each be about the size of a refrigerator, Isabella judged, based on the distance.</p><p>Phineas was placed shoulder-to-shoulder with her, and Captain Jabberwock took a pace forward before stopping to watch the space directly ahead. No sooner than he had, a brick-shaped hovercraft speedily descended from the sky and landed a stone's throw away from them.</p><p>The front wall of the ship dematerialized as if it had been disintegrated, and a small party of aliens walked forward to form a line at a reasonable distance away for negotiation. At their center, a humanoid alien with gravel-textured skin, thick stocky legs, and a cubic head approached. "Captain Jabberwock," it said in a groggy, robot-like monotone, "you have done well to bring us the humans."</p><p>"Blockhead! You son of a Durdleblast!" cursed Captain Jabberwock, who appeared to be on edge. "Where is the Shipper?"</p><p>"She sends her apologies," the one called Blockhead―although Isabella couldn't tell whether that was his actual name or an insult―gurgled dryly.</p><p>Captain Jabberwock jabbed at Blockhead with an accusatory finger. "I specifically told her that I don't deal with anyone other than the head honcho!"</p><p>"Hold your peace," Blockhead barked, raising a rectangular-shaped hand. "I will be handling this deal in her absence."</p><p>"Do you know who I am?" Captain Jabberwock lashed out, flipping his jacket out of the way and resting his hand threateningly on the holster at his side.</p><p>The thuggish aliens backing up Blockhead reacted in kind, raising their weapons.</p><p>
  <em>Pew!</em>
</p><p>In a flash, the first mate, Andromeda, who had only moments ago been positioned on Isabella's flank opposite Phineas, was standing in front of Captain Jabberwock, her sword raised high in the air, having deflected the incoming laser blast. The bolt of light ricocheted harmlessly into the sky.</p><p>"Hold!" Blockhead bellowed. "Hold your fire!" Hesitantly, the aliens lowered their arms, tentacles, or other applicable appendages.</p><p>"C'mon, guys," Phineas suddenly spoke out, showing his palms in a gesture of truce. "There has to be a way we can settle this nonviolently."</p><p><em>I know you mean well, Phineas, but seriously, </em>thought Isabella. <em>Learn the proper time and place. If a fight breaks out, that might give us a chance to escape!</em></p><p>For a tense moment, Captain Jabberwock and Blockhead glared menacingly at one another. It was the Captain who backed off first. "You can tell the Shipper that my fee has just doubled!" he said, turning his back to Blockhead. "If she wants the teenage lovebirds, she will have to come groveling to me herself!" He began to walk back toward the ship, gesturing for his crew to take Isabella and Phineas back inside. Andromeda let Blockhead's forces feel the full brunt of her icy stare before sheathing her sword and following.</p><p>"I offer a counter-proposal," Blockhead said. "Instead of paying your dues in marks as was previously agreed, what if we gave you what you're <em>really</em> looking for?"</p><p>Captain Jabberwock stopped and turned. Blockhead snapped his fingers, and an alien behind him produced a futuristic looking briefcase.</p><p>The Captain smirked. "And just what makes you think you know what I want?"</p><p>"It is, after all, the Shipper's business to know all there is to know about her clients."</p><p>"Hmph." Captain Jabberwock sneaked a glance at Andromeda, who nodded once. "Show me what's inside the box first. If I find your terms agreeable, the kids are all yours."</p><hr/><p>With his back turned to them and his body blocking the view of the briefcase's insides, Isabella and Phineas couldn't tell whether or not Captain Jabberwock was pleased by what he saw. They only heard the snapping sounds of the briefcase being opened and then closed, interspaced a few seconds apart. All they could do now was wait and see what happened next.</p><hr/><p>High in the sky, amidst the heavy hovercar traffic and completely unnoticed by anyone, the stray bolt of light randomly hit the undercarriage of one of the vehicles, immediately causing a steady stream of liquid to spray out. The driver of the vehicle felt the flying car vibrate and looked down, only to discover that the fuel gauge was suddenly reading completely empty. On cue, the car spiralled out of control, plummeting into the large metal sculpture of a multi-ringed planetary body that was sitting atop the apex of one of the city skyscrapers. The sculpture was knocked out of place by the collision and arced through the air, only to bounce like a basketball from rooftop to rooftop across the urban jungle. At one point, it bounced in the direction of a tower crane fixed to the top of an incomplete skyscraper, whereupon the planet rings got caught on the dangling hook. The sculpture's momentum caused it to loop wildly around the crane in a wide circle several times before the snag came loose, sending the planet flying in an altogether different direction.</p><p>It soared high above the city and temporarily became lost in the clouds before ultimately falling to crash back down into the canopy of trees surrounding the field Isabella, Phineas, and the pirates were at that precise moment standing in, waiting for Captain Jabberwock to make his decision. The tree caught the planet in its boughs like a glove catching a baseball; however, the sculpture's momentum pulled the trunk back like a catapult. The tree trunk rebounded, slingshotting the sculpture back into the air once more.</p><hr/><p>Captain Jabberwock opened his mouth to say something when he noticed a shrill whistling noise heading his way.</p><p>"Look out!" one of his crew members shouted, and he looked across his shoulder to see the strangest thing―a large metal sculpture of a multi-ringed planet was sailing directly towards him. Captain Jabberwock instinctively ducked for cover―but there was no need. Andromeda had jumped in front of him, and with one mighty swing of her sword, the sculpture split in two perfect halves, each of which flew harmlessly past on either side of them.</p><p>"What the blazes?!" was all he was able to get out of his mouth before everyone's eyes followed the two still moving halves, realizing the show wasn't over yet. One of the pieces crashed into a control panel at the edge of the woods, and immediately, innumerable sprinkler heads shot out of the ground all across the field, frenetically spraying water everywhere.</p><p>Phineas reacted quickly enough to duck, pulling Isabella down low beside him with one arm. High pressure water sprayed at the pirates that were surrounding them, bodily throwing them across the field every which way. The only one who wasn't sent flying by the deluge was Andromeda, who was using the wide section of her sword to block the force of the spray coming her way. A pile of earth began to pile up behind where her heels dug into the ground.</p><p>Blockhead's forces were no more successful at escaping than the pirates were. The water scattered them to and fro, turning the grassy knoll into a muddy slush. Last of all, Captain Jabberwock himself was flung by the spray in the direction of a pond where a flock of alien geese-like creatures were happily shooting the breeze.</p><p>The second piece of the sculpture, as it turned out, was also flying in the pond's direction, crashing with a great splash in the center of the pond. All the geese scattered at the sudden interruption to their otherwise peaceful day.</p><p>Since the spot he landed in was out of the sprinklers' range, Captain Jabberwock picked himself up and swiped the mud off his trousers and many belts. Suddenly, out of the depths of the pond, a monster-sized goose that was far bigger than a house menacingly rose from its rudely awakened slumber and leered down at him, assuming he was the cause of all this. It looked more like a dragon than a goose, with its long, slender neck, razor sharp teeth, and feathers that looked like scales. It bore down on the Captain, who was now looking at the monster in terror.</p><p>One moment later, and the giant goose had him by his belts in its fangs. It shook its head violently back and forth, whipping the Captain around dizzyingly. His belt buckles snapped and he was flung out of his clothes, which the goose continued to shake and shred angrily.</p><p>Phineas still had his arms raised over his head, shielding himself and Isabella from the powerful torrents. Isabella, realizing this was their chance for escape, tugged on his sleeve. "Let's get out of here!"</p><p>Phineas nodded. "What about Gulliver? Shouldn't we help him escape, too?"</p><p>"Let's head back to the ship then!" With that, the two of them dodged and ducked their way through what felt like a battlefield of unpredictable streams that sprayed water like bullets.</p><hr/><p>After a few minutes of chaos, someone was able to reach the control panel and shut the sprinklers off. The pirates and mercenaries scattered across the pitch slowly picked themselves back up, poured the water out of their shoes, and returned to their original spots.</p><p>Captain Jabberwock was the last to return; having been stripped of all his clothes, he was forced to join the others in nothing but his underwear.</p><p>"You pervert," Andromeda said while shielding her eyes from his nakedness. "Why do you have to do this every time? What a disgusting, filthy lowlife."</p><p>"It wasn't my fault!" he shouted back.</p><p>"I thought you had learned your lesson about this back on Plutooine?"</p><p>"That was another fluke!"</p><p>At that moment, they were interrupted by the engines of Captain Jabberwock's flying saucer turning over. Before they could react, the spaceship lifted off the ground and ascended into the air.</p><p>"Oy, Andromeda," the Captain slurred, turning to stare dumbly at his runaway ship. "Where are the Earthlings?"</p><p>In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 2: In Sickness And In Health―And In Alien Abduction</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Preview</em>
</p><p>"<em>We did it, Isabella! We actually made our getaway from those alien pirates that abducted us!"</em></p><p>"<em>Did you see Captain Jabberwock wearing nothing but underwear when we left?"</em></p><p>"<em>Yeah, what was that about?"</em></p><p>"<em>By the way, you were really brave back there, Phineas!"</em></p><p>"<em>Thanks, Isabella! So were you! ...Um, Isabella? You know, you're standing kind of close..."</em></p><p>"Mwah! <em>Smoochy smoochy pucker smooch…"</em></p><p>"<em>Ehehehe…"</em></p><p>"<em>Oh, I see! So this is what you Earthlings call a 'kiss!' What an interesting behavior, I have never seen anything like it in the entire galaxy!"</em></p><p>"<em>Eep!"</em></p><p>"<em>Isabella? Isabella, are you okay? And she just fainted…"</em></p><p>"<em>By the way, Phineas, you do know how to fly this spaceship, right?"</em></p><p>"<em>Don't worry, Gulliver! Back home, Ferb's and my inventions crash all the time, and we always make it out just fine!"</em></p><p>Next time on Lovetopia: <em>Flirt To Convert!</em> </p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Fan's Notes: Character Bios</strong>
</p><p><strong>Gulliver Cuvier<br/></strong> <strong>Homeworld: Graturn<br/></strong> <strong>Species: Graturnian (Male)<br/></strong> <strong>Ht: 5'8"/1.72 m. Wt: 175 lbs./79.4 kg. Age: 42 Graturnian Cycles/1,209.5 Earth years. Eye color: Brown.<br/></strong> <strong>A renowned biologist on Graturn, he is currently traveling the galaxy studying every species of animal life in the Milky Way. Likes fossils and reading.</strong></p><p><strong>Captain Wyler Jabberwock<br/></strong> <strong>Homeworld: Rixpia XXXIV of the Galactic Hub<br/></strong> <strong>Species: Western Blue Dwarf (Male)<br/></strong> <strong>Ht: 6'7"/2.01 m. Wt: 420 lbs./190.5 kg. Age: 125 Galactic Standard years/36 Earth years. Eye color: Yellow.<br/></strong> <strong>Formerly a bodybuilder, he is now a pirate/bounty hunter wanted for multiple counts of theft and indecent exposure. He has repeatedly violated public indecency laws in nearly every major sector in the Galactic Hub. Likes muscles (his own).</strong></p><p><strong>Andromeda<br/></strong> <strong>Homeworld: Yandaray<br/></strong> <strong>Species: Yandarian (Female)<br/></strong> <strong>Ht: 6'4"/1.93 m. Wt: 195 lbs./88.5 kg. (with armor) Age: 20 Yandarian years/19.2 Earth years. Eye color: Blue.<br/></strong> <strong>Underwent compulsory combat training on her homeworld at a young age, but was banished from Yandaray for unknown reasons. Likes mirrors and swords.</strong></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Flirt To Convert</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Fire torpedoes!" bellowed Blockhead.</p><p>"Belay that order!" Captain Jabberwock, who was leaning over Blockhead's shoulders while wearing a sheet draped around his waist to cover himself, shouted. "That's my ship, I don't want any holes blown in it!"</p><p>"That's your problem for letting the humans escape in it!"</p><p>"What? If anything, it's just as much your fault they escaped as it is mine! You were there too, so share your part of the blame!"</p><p>Blockhead turned back to his crew. "Fire torpedoes!" he ordered again.</p><p>"You moron! If you blow up my ship, you'll kill the twerps! The Shipper said she wanted them alive!"</p><p>Blockhead gritted his teeth. "Hold fire," he said. "Ready the ship's lasers to bring down their shields, and prepare for boarding!"</p><p>"Yes sir!" Blockhead's crew shouted.</p><p>"On my command." Blockhead raised his hand, preparing to give the signal. "Fire!"</p><p>A wide beam of light slashed through the dark void, searing the hull of the flying saucer they were pursuing.</p><p>"Direct hit!" someone shouted. "Their hull has been 90% breached! It looks like they didn't have their shields up!"</p><p>"No! My ship!" grieved Captain Jabberwock, slamming his palms against his forehead before having to reach back down or risk losing his makeshift toga.</p><p>Meanwhile, Andromeda, who was standing directly behind him, appeared to give no reaction.</p><p>"Captain Jabberwock's ship appears to be losing power," another alien relayed from the control panel. "Observing―the ship is diverting all its power to its main weapon systems! They're preparing to fire!"</p><p>"Shields up," Blockhead barked.</p><p>"Shields are up," the alien reported, flipping a switch. "Hold on, what is that? It doesn't look like a torpedo―"</p><p>"Prepare for impact!"</p><p>Everyone on the deck braced at the alarm.</p><p>
  <em>BOOM!</em>
</p><p>The floor beneath their feet trembled slightly, but that was it.</p><p>"Damage report," Blockhead sounded.</p><p>"Shields are still at 100%!"</p><p>"There, uh, appears to be no damage to the hull…"</p><p>Blockhead's eyebrows rose suspiciously. "They hit us, but didn't do any damage? Were they not trying to harm us?"</p><p>"There was something strange about the torpedo they fired… I'm not sure what it was."</p><p>"Wait, hold on―something's not right!"</p><p>Just then, the deck shook again, and a few of the lights on the main display went dark. In a second, the emergency power back-ups turned on, restoring the failed screens.</p><p>"What was that?" demanded Blockhead.</p><p>"Sir," one of the aliens articulated, "it appears that our main engines are freezing up! The emergency generator won't last long!"</p><p>Blockhead rounded on Captain Jabberwock. "You were smuggling freeze bombs?!"</p><p>Captain Jabberwock's jaw dropped. "I would never!" he denied. "How dare you accuse me of being a war criminal!"</p><p>"Then how do you explain this?"</p><p>"Is your brain made of cement, too? If that was a freeze bomb, the shields would have protected us!"</p><p>"Well what else could have instantly frozen my ship engines like that?"</p><p>"I don't know; maybe humans have some secret technology we don't know about! Didn't the Shipper mention that those particular brats were especially capable? They must be more devious than they appear!"</p><p>Blockhead's eyes narrowed. "It would seem we have underestimated our bounty, then."</p><p>"Sir!" another alien interrupted, "Captain Jabberwock's ship is losing power as well! It's changing direction, headed for a nearby star system!"</p><p>"Can we follow them?"</p><p>"Negative! Our main engines need thawing!"</p><p>Blockhead sighed. "Track their trajectory. We will resume following them once the repairs are finished." He turned to Captain Jabberwock and Andromeda. "You two, take one of the escape pods and follow after them. We'll relay you the coordinates. I want this mess taken care of, quickly."</p><p>"Now let's get one thing straight," Captain Jabberwock said, his face turning purple. "I don't take orders from―"</p><p>Andromeda grabbed the Captain by the arm and yanked him away from the deck before he could complete his sentence. Turning to yell over his shoulder, Captain Jabberwock shouted, "Can I at least borrow some pants from someone?"</p><p>"No," Blockhead responded without hesitation. "We don't have anything in your size. You'll just have to go like that."</p><p>"Go like this!? That's Paunjopou poo! What if we end up on an inhabited planet? You'll pay for this, you hear? You Kretarchian Slewbur―"</p><p>Andromeda pulled the Captain down the bridge and out of earshot before he could complete his colorful pejorative.</p><hr/><p>ARRIVAL: PLANET KETURAH</p><p>Phineas stumbled to the pod bay doors and slammed the operator with his palm, opening the hatch. His eyes were met by a lonely scene―a single dim, red star skirted above a distant mountain range on the horizon of the sandy desert playa they had crashed in. "We made it," he said, scanning the brown and red landscape which showed no trace of vegetation or life. A patch of white in the distance indicated salt flats occupied much of the playa. "But 'where did we make it to' is the question."</p><p>"Wow," Isabella gasped as she joined him in taking in the view. "It's beautiful."</p><p>Phineas nodded in agreement. "Yeah." <em>We're visiting another alien planet</em>―<em>cool!</em></p><p>Isabella sneakily snaked her hand down her side and clasped Phineas around the knuckles, wrapping her fingers around his palm. "You were really brave back there," she playfully breathed in his ear, causing butterflies to erupt in his stomach.</p><p>"Thanks, Isabella! So were you!"</p><p>"It was so cool how you took out their engines like that, those aliens didn't know what hit them!"</p><p>"Yeah. I hope they're doing okay, though," he said as an afterthought. "I wasn't trying to hurt anyone."</p><p>Isabella sidled up closer to him. It wasn't uncomfortable, he actually sort of liked it, but… "Uh, Isabella, you know―you're standing kind of close..."</p><p>She cocked an eyebrow and stared mischievously back at him. "I know," she said, a playful grin spreading as she leaned in closer.</p><p><em>Buh-dum! Buh-dum! Buh-dum! Buh-dum! </em>Phineas' heartbeat suddenly began racing. <em>Is she doing it? Is she actually </em>going to do <em>it!?</em> His mouth involuntarily salivated. <em>There isn't any music playing in the background, but I can still tell! This is what the moment feels like right before the guy and the girl kiss!</em></p><p>Isabella's eyes slid closed and her lips puckered, and Phineas felt himself imitate her. <em>My second kiss!</em></p><p>Her lips pressed against his. They were soft, warm, tingly. Almost ticklish. <em>Yeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssss!</em></p><p>In his mind's eye, a hundred Phineases seated in multiple rows and wearing caps and gowns all simultaneously threw their caps high in the air and cheered.</p><p>
  <em>It feels different than I remembered! This feels so―</em>
</p><p>"Oh, I see! So this is what you Earthlings call a 'kiss!' What an interesting behavior, I have never seen anything like it in the entire galaxy!"</p><p>Phineas and Isabella broke apart at the sudden noise, their faces bright red.</p><p><em>Aaaaaggggghhhhh! </em>All the Phineases in his mind's eye synchronously toppled over in their chairs.</p><p>"G-Gulliver," Phineas stuttered, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "Wh-when did you get here?"</p><p>"Did you get that recorded?" Gulliver was bent over, examining some sort of metal box.</p><p>Phineas took a closer look and discovered that the box Gulliver was talking to was actually a strangely familiar device. The chassis he had taken for a metal box was actually the body of a robot, which was supported by eight treaded wheels, four per side. A robot head popped its way out of a slot on top of the body, which lit up a digital screen of green and black diodes in resemblance of a face. "I did! I recorded it all, professor!" the waveform mouth declared. Another slot on the rover's body popped open so that it could give Gulliver a mechanical thumbs up.</p><p>"Fantastic!" Gulliver turned back to look at Phineas and Isabella. "Oh, finished already? Are all kisses so short? The way you explained them earlier made them sound so much more―evocative."</p><p>Isabella covered her face in her hands and turned away. Phineas, not knowing what to do, sheepishly rubbed the nape of his neck, failing miserably to wipe the silly grin from his face.</p><p>"What's this reaction? Are you embarrassed? Shy? Are Earthlings one of the species that instinctively seeks out privacy while undertaking their mating rituals? Very well, next time, I will observe your behaviors in hiding!"</p><p>Isabella turned to shout, "Don't observe them at all!" demonstrating a rare flash of her angry side.</p><p>"Hm?" Gulliver simply gave her a perplexed look. "Don't worry, you won't even know I was there."</p><p>"That makes it sound even creepier!" Isabella shot back nastily.</p><p>Phineas decided it was up to him to ease the tension. "What's that you've got?" He indicated toward the robot.</p><p>"This is my personal robotic assistant, or SAM, for short," Gulliver explained. "...Judging by the looks you're giving me, I can see that the acronym is lost in translation. That is unfortunate; it's actually a really clever name in the original Graturnian. SAM, the male human is Phineas, and the female is Isabella. They are mates who have already been on one 'Earth date.'"</p><p>"We're not mates!"</p><p>"We're not mates yet!" They said it at the same time.</p><p>Phineas turned to give Isabella a questioning look. "Yet?"</p><p>Realizing her mistake, Isabella covered her mouth with her hands, her eyes expressing her "Oops" loud and clear. Changing gears from embarrassment to defensive in less than a heartbeat, she said, "Shaddup! Don't take that the wrong way, it doesn't mean anything!" She folded her arms and looked away, puffing out her cheeks.</p><p>Phineas couldn't remember a time when Isabella had been this expressive before. <em>She's even cuter when she's like this!</em> he thought. "Yes," he directed back to Gulliver, "it's just like she said. We're not mates, <em>yet!</em>"</p><p>He glanced out of the corner of his eye to see if saying such a thing to tease Isabella would get an even cuter reaction. She looked back at him, stunned, and her defensiveness instantly melted. Her body then began to sway back and forth as her eyes went blank, like she was zoning out about something.</p><p>"Isabella? Isabella…" Phineas said, shaking her gently by the shoulders. She didn't snap out. No response at all. "What could possibly be going on inside your head now?" Sighing, Phineas turned back to Gulliver. "Well, the spaceship is in pretty bad shape, so I guess we're stuck here until we fix it."</p><p>"Oh dear, I've been shipwrecked again, just like on Salmoo," Gulliver whined dejectedly.</p><p>"Don't worry!" Phineas reassured. "Despite our looks, Isabella and I are pretty experienced when it comes to these things! I bet we can get her back up and running in no time!" He patted the spaceship, only to have the wall collapse dramatically at his touch. "Or maybe in a little time," he amended.</p><p>"In that case, SAM and I will go explore the desert," Gulliver said. "SAM's database contains detailed geologic maps of every planet in the Galactic Hub as well as all my research on alien life forms. We may be able to find out what planet this is and where we are."</p><p>"Sounds like a plan!"</p><p>"Wait, what's going on?" Isabella asked.</p><p>"Oh," Phineas noted, "you finally joined us back here on planet Earth―or, whatever you call this planet."</p><hr/><p>"The planet we have crashed on is known as Keturah," Gulliver explained, having returned from his brief excursion. "It's part of a quiet system in the Pegasi Formation. The star began entering its red giant stage a couple hundred million years ago. Keturah orbited too far out to be habitable before the star's expansion warmed it, so life never developed here―its current inhabitants are a peaceful mixture of theocratic colonizers from various parts of the galaxy, united by their shared religious zeal. According to SAM's map, there is a population center east of here."</p><p>Phineas pushed aside his excitement for being on an alien planet. "How far is Keturah from Earth?" he asked.</p><p>"Unfortunately, Earth is on the opposite side of the Milky Way," Gulliver said. "I'm afraid you're still over 35,000 light-years from home."</p><p>"I was afraid you'd say that," Isabella mumbled.</p><p>"Don't worry, Isabella," Phineas comforted. "I bet Ferb and the others are already looking for us."</p><p>"I know, I'm sure we'll be just fine." She weakly smiled back.</p><p>"We fixed up things here as much as we could," Phineas said, "but the ship is going to need a few new parts before she's ready to fly again. If we went to visit that large town, do you think we could find the parts we need, Gulliver?"</p><p>"Undoubtedly. However, we haven't anything of value to trade."</p><p>"It's worth a try, right? How far away is this city?"</p><p>"Not too far. SAM can get us there in one of your Earth hours."</p><p>On command, SAM popped three seats out of his body, reminding Phineas of the lunar buggy the Apollo astronauts rode on the moon. "Need a lift?" the rover's voice rang.</p><p>"Nifty," Isabella commented.</p><hr/><p>SAM's seats were aligned in a column, in three one-seat rows. That meant Gulliver sat in the front seat, Isabella was in the middle row, and Phineas had the back. They were cruising along at a decent clip, like a car on a suburban road, and SAM had no windshield.</p><p>The result: the wind was constantly whipping Isabella's hair in Phineas' face, so he couldn't see anything the entire trip.</p><hr/><p>"Oh, poor girl," Captain Jabberwock lamented as he inspected the damage on his ship, lovingly caressing the walls that were still standing. "Daddy's home now, nothing is gonna happen to you anymore…"</p><p>"Sir!?" Andromeda interrupted. "I discovered some fresh tracks headed east from the crash site. The tread matches the Graturnian's robot. The Earthlings must have gone with him."</p><p>Captain Jabberwock composed himself, hiding his face so Andromeda couldn't see the embarrassment at being seen hugging his ship. He cleared his throat and snatched a change of clothes from his quarters. "Very well. Let's follow after them," he said, quickly dressing.</p><p><em>Maybe I should try wearing </em>six <em>belts this time?</em> he thought to himself.</p><hr/><p>"Hey Isabella, would you mind doing something about your hair?"</p><p>"What? I don't see any stairs."</p><p>"I said, can you hold onto your hair?!"</p><p>"Oh, you meant the shape of the clouds up there?!"</p><p>"No, your hair!"</p><p>"Yeah, there is a bit of a glare."</p><p>"...Nevermind." The wind was rushing too loudly to communicate. Phineas twisted around in his seat to take in the view behind them, blocking Isabella's flailing tendrils with his body. They had gained some elevation, the scenery had become less sandy and more craggy. It was then that Phineas noticed two shadows in the distance. The shapes were moving their way, and quickly gaining on them.</p><p>"Hey, Gulliver! Something is following us!" he shouted over the din.</p><p>Gulliver and Isabella craned around to see, and Phineas pointed. The dark shapes were already much closer, kicking up a dust cloud with their speed. He could see their outlines much more clearly now. The objects were large, dark gray spheres that moved by pinwheeling across the ground, rolling their way towards SAM like a couple of bowling balls.</p><p>"Great Scott!" exclaimed Gulliver. The spheres were about to overtake them. SAM slowed down to avoid colliding, and the spheres zoomed past, bathing them in a cloud of dirt.</p><p>The three travelers coughed until the dust blew away before looking up to see the spheres stopped in front of them, blocking their progress. Now that he had a good look at them, Phineas noticed that the spheres had a series of linear joints connected radially along the axis of their spin. As he watched, one of those joints separated across the middle of both spheres, and the balls unfolded themselves like potato bugs unfurling their armored bodies.</p><p>The segments straightened into a centipede-shaped body that was almost as big as a school bus. As the two spheroid things straightened out, their front ends reared up, revealing a triangular, insectoid head with bulbous eyes in the cavity underneath the armor plating running down their backside. Their skins were brown, and from each of their upright torsos protruded a set of mantis-like arms, gracefully curled inward against their forelimbs. The heads raised themselves to a good eight or so feet in height, and two sets of buggy eyes gazed down at the three of them, still seated on SAM.</p><p>Phineas couldn't help but notice that Isabella was shivering slightly in front of him. Then he realized his own knees were shaking.</p><p>Sharp looking pincers pulled back and retracted into the aliens' cheeks, and the wide-lipped mouths underneath spread into a bright smile. "Hello there, visitors!" one of them said in the warmest, friendliest tone Phineas had ever heard. "We saw your vessel approaching over yonder and came out to meet you!"</p><p>The alien's companion eagerly nodded in agreement.</p><p>Phineas shared a bemused look with Isabella before staring back at the fearsome creatures before them, still unsure they weren't about to be eaten.</p><p>"Why, you must be Euryptigans!" Gulliver pleasantly greeted back, seeming to show no fear. "<em>Gr'room v'teite!</em> I hope I pronounced that right."</p><p>The aliens laughed affably. "Neither of us speak Euryptigus, to be honest," the alien said, waving its arms. "But I think you said it perfectly!"</p><p>"I wasn't sure I recognized your kind at first," Gulliver said. "Those exoskeletons threw me off, I couldn't tell what species you were until I saw your heads."</p><p>"Yeah, this planet's gravity is a bit stronger than what our species evolved to handle on Euryptigus, so these locomotive exosuits help us move about easier when we're roving about outside the city." The alien knocked on the metal husk of the sphere, referring to it as the exosuit that had reminded Phineas so much of rollie-pollies earlier. "I am Brother Abaddon, a thousand greetings." The alien's exoskeleton bowed deeply.</p><p>"And I am Brother Syntyche. A thousand greetings." The second alien bowed in like manner.</p><p>"I am Gulliver. Erm-a thousand greetings." Gulliver bowed his head.</p><p>Phineas and Isabella shared another worried glance. Deciding these aliens truly meant no harm, Phineas took a breath and followed Gulliver's lead. "My name is Phineas, and this is Isabella. Nice to meet you!" He extended his hand cordially.</p><p>The alien named Brother Abaddon hesitated before waving his arms defensively. "Sorry, it's just that our religious beliefs forbid us from shaking hands as a form of greeting," he expressed.</p><p>"Oh," Phineas said, dropping his arm. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."</p><p>"Don't worry about it!" Brother Abaddon said airily. "Although, since we're on the subject, may I ask what your feelings are towards religion and spirituality?"</p><p>"Um," Phineas nervously said, "I've never really slowed down enough to think about it, I suppose."</p><p>"I'm Jewish," Isabella boldly declared.</p><p>"I see," Brother Abaddon articulated. "I don't believe I have ever met a 'Jewish' person before. Say, would the three of you be interested in coming with us to discuss our beliefs? I think you'll find our religion, known as Kandake, has quite a few unique precepts you won't find anywhere else in the galaxy. After all, Kandake is practiced by the vast majority of individuals here on Keturah. It is the most popular religion here." As the alien spoke, his eyes lit with a certain fire that made Phineas feel taken aback.</p><p>"That's right," the less talkative Brother Syntyche abruptly offered, now showing more investment in the conversation than he had before. "In Kandake, to be a believer is to be clean in both body and spirit. It is said that the Great Hereafter is prepared for only those who live a spotless life, in all aspects and regards."</p><p>Brother Abaddon's words flowed as if he were giving a speech he had practiced many times. "Have you ever wondered, 'Why am I here? Where did I come from? Where am I going?' Kandake teaches that the answers to these questions lie in our willingness to transform our lives into models of cleanliness."</p><p><em>Wait, are they just trying to convert us to their religion?</em> Phineas wondered, feeling a little violated.</p><p>"That sounds fascinating," Gulliver suddenly interrupted, as it looked like Brother Syntyche was about to speak again. His tone was also more brusque than it had been a moment ago. "But we're actually in somewhat of a hurry, I'm afraid. Perhaps some other time? SAM, we should get going."</p><p>He patted the rover with his hand to emphasize. SAM revved to life, starting to crawl forward again.</p><p>Brother Abaddon and Brother Syntyche took to either side of the vehicle, moving with it, their exoskeletons walking on hundreds of short legs in the same way a centipede would. "Are you sure you don't have a little time? Our message doesn't take long to share, and it has been known to change lives! Who knows? You might one day look back on today and consider it the day your lives changed, too!"</p><p>"Trust me, today has already been eventful enough to be considered 'life changing' for me," Isabella dryly remarked.</p><p>As if they didn't hear her: "We're actually holding a baptismal service for those interested in joining the body of Kandake believers this coming Dorcasday! Why don't you come witness it? You can then investigate more of what the lives of the Kandake followers are like!"</p><p>Judging by the look on Gulliver's face, he was considering whether it would have been better if these aliens had actually tried to eat them. "Go faster, SAM!" he whispered, a deep frown causing his mustache to contort.</p><p>"Followers of Kandake are also respected throughout the galaxy for their high integrity and amicability!"</p><p>"The Feast of Havilah is coming up soon! If you join the Kandake sect now, you'll be granted access to the delicious and highly sanitary food booths along the Strait of Festus! It's actually the perfect opportunity, with the festival being just around the corner!"</p><p>SAM was now rocketing forward at full throttle. Isabella's face was turning red, and she was apparently covering her ears.</p><p>"Baptized members also receive these gold-embroidered handkerchiefs! Their silk is made from the finest quality silkworms on the planet Blazzeldwarf! They cost fifty marks to buy anywhere else, but if you get baptized, you'll receive one free!"</p><p>"You also will be eligible to vote in the Tammuz Precincts this upcoming election!"</p><p>"And did you know that soap made on Keturah is considered the highest quality disinfectant in the galaxy? Some faithful followers of Kandake who worship at our churches have been selected by the Purified One to be blessed with a lifetime supply!"</p><p>The aliens had to shout to be heard now. When their exoskeletons weren't in their balled-up forms, they were considerably slower, and SAM was finally putting some distance between them. Finally, Brothers Abaddon and Syntyche gave up and let them go. Gulliver heaved a hefty sigh of relief.</p><p>"What was―" Isabella began.</p><p>"Those were some missionaries from the Kandake sect," Gulliver summarized. "We're lucky we got away so easily."</p><p>"They sure were persistent," Phineas acknowledged.</p><p>"Keturah's population is almost 99% Kandake believers," Gulliver said. "The religion is highly steeped into the culture here. Not many tourists visit this planet; as you can imagine, most folks would prefer not getting swept up in their religious zeal."</p><p>"Does that mean everyone here is going to be like that?" Isabella asked, gulping.</p><p>"They won't all be missionaries by vocation," Gulliver answered. "However, one of the writings of Kandake canon teaches that 'Every member of the body of Kandake is a missionary also, for all should hear the Spotless Word of God, and be cleansed.'"</p><p>Phineas glanced back over his shoulder at the quickly retreating figures. <em>What did we just get ourselves into?</em></p><hr/><p>The ominous spell was shortly broken when SAM rode into view of the city. In stark contrast to the bustling, futuristic metropolis they had seen on the last planet, this town appeared to be far quieter and homier―an oasis in a desert. Green, Earth-like trees cast shade on the paved sidewalks. Concrete buildings for businesses were only a couple stories high and plainly decorated. Only one building, a cathedral located deep in the center of town, stood out, massive and pearly white and bejeweled in precious stones.</p><p>It didn't feel too different from any small town on Earth, like Danville.</p><p>They had reached a paved road that led from the outskirts into the city. As they approached, they passed a big sign with strange markings written on it. SAM interpreted for them: "Welcome to the city of Tryphosa!" In the background, a cupped hand holding some clear water was sporting several gold rings, while a second hand held a brass scepter with a cross on the tip.</p><p>"Is Kandake a Christian religion?" Phineas asked Gulliver.</p><p>"I don't know what you mean. I haven't heard of this 'Christian' religion before."</p><p>"Well, it's just, the cross…" Phineas pointed at the sign.</p><p>"Oh, that? Actually, by curious coincidence, a cross is actually a very common symbol for the religions of many different planets," Gulliver said. "Remarkably, crucifixion as a method of execution has been independently employed by many barbaric, space faring races in times past. Almost every planet has had some influential martyr or other die on a cross at some point in their respective histories. As a result, crosses are quite universally used throughout the Milky Way as a symbol of spirituality."</p><p>Isabella was wearing a strange look at this piece of information.</p><p>"I see…" Phineas merely said.</p><hr/><p>SAM was the only vehicle in view as they entered Tryphosa. Most of the city's occupants were commuting on foot, aside from the occasional slime-like alien species that crawled along like a snail. They saw a wide variety of alien races, including some which were humanoid. The most common race, however, was a breed of insect-like creatures that looked like a cross between a praying mantis and a centipede. Now that he was seeing so many, Phineas realized that this is what Brother Abaddon and Brother Syntyche must look like underneath their transforming exosuits.</p><p>These aliens―Euryptigans, Phineas remembered Gulliver had called them―moved by walking on the many pairs of stubby legs connected to dozens of body segments close to the ground. At the front of the segmented part of the body, an S-shaped abdomen acted as a spine and torso for the rest of their bodies to be held upright. Their heads were connected atop the torsos, while the mantis-like pair of arms sprouted from where the shoulders should be. In colors, their skins ranged from green to yellow to brown, and their sizes varied from anywhere between three to as much as ten feet tall, with bodies almost thirty feet long. Phineas eventually decided they reminded him of centaurs, except they were half-centipede half-praying mantis, rather than half-man half-horse.</p><p>What perhaps struck him most was the fact that nearly everyone they passed were wearing surgeon's masks over their faces. In the case of the Euryptigans, he did not see a single one not wearing face masks. The strings were wrapped around the big pincers connected to their cheeks. Walking down the road should have probably felt straight out of a monster movie about a doomsday virus causing everyone to mutate into insectoid creatures, were it not for the fact that they all cheerfully greeted everyone they walked past like they were old friends.</p><p>"Hello, how do you do?"</p><p>"Hello! Lovely weather we're having."</p><p>"Hello! A thousand greetings!"</p><p>Phineas was normally a chipper fellow himself, but this was something else. He glanced at Isabella. "Appearances aside, they certainly are friendly," he managed to soliloquize.</p><p>"This is so weird," Isabella agreed, staring wide-eyed at the new sights. "Should we be wearing face masks, too? Has there been an outbreak or something?"</p><p>"No," Gulliver quickly said. "This is just what is normally worn on Keturah, the planet of clean freaks."</p><hr/><p>To merge with the foot traffic, SAM had to cruise at walking speed, giving them plenty of time to look around. As a trio of humanoids without face masks riding on a planetary rover, Phineas, Isabella, and Gulliver stood out like sore thumbs.</p><p>"Everyone is staring at us," Isabella whispered under her breath.</p><p>"Greetings, visitors," a passerby waved with a smile that could be seen through the impression it left in the face mask. "Please enjoy your stay here at Tryphosa!" The three politely waved back in response.</p><p>It happened again.</p><p>And again.</p><p>And again. They hadn't even traveled a block into the city yet.</p><p>"We stand out way too much," Isabella said, hiding her face in her hands. "Can we at least go buy some face masks to wear?"</p><p>"If you'd like. I must warn you though; wearing face masks on Keturah is also widely regarded as a sign you belong to the Kandake sect," Gulliver noted.</p><p>"...Nevermind." Isabella buried her face even deeper.</p><hr/><p>And so they progressed through the town, occasionally asking directions for where they could find a shop that sold spaceship supplies and parts. The city seemed too big for everyone to possibly know everyone, Phineas thought, yet the locals all interacted with each other as if they did. It gave the place a small-town vibe of friendliness and openness that clashed jarringly with the monstrous appearances of the Euryptigans that passed them on every side.</p><p>
  <em>THUD!</em>
</p><p>Phineas felt himself jerked to the side as SAM hit the breaks. He looked over to see a Euryptigan who was probably a little under seven feet tall rolling on the ground next to them.</p><p>"Help, help!" The alien cried. "I think six or eight of my legs might be broken!"</p><p>"I'm sorry!" Gulliver said, a concerned look on his face. "I tried to avoid you, you must have bumped into us somehow! What have I done?"</p><p>"Ah! It hurts!" He writhed around, causing a scene. Many bystanders stopped to watch. "Oh, the pain!"</p><p>Phineas jumped down to help. "Where does it hurt?" he asked. Then, looking up, "Is anyone here a doctor? Can somebody help this guy?"</p><p>The alien they hit motioned for Phineas to come closer with its forelimb. Phineas leaned down. "What is it?"</p><p>"Only prayer can help me," the alien said. "Please, pray with me for my legs to be healed!"</p><p><em>The pain must be making him delirious!</em> Phineas looked around again. "Does anyone know where a hospital is? Or know a way we can call an ambulance?"</p><p>"Oh Sacred Father who art in Heaven," the alien began, clutching Phineas' shirt with one arm. "Please look after my family when I am gone…"</p><p>"Gulliver! Do you know anything we can do?"</p><p>Gulliver had gone pale and didn't respond.</p><p>"Please Lord, wilt thou guide my loved ones as thou hast guided me? Protect them from all disease and foul things, that their garments may be white and pure before Thee!"</p><p>"Isabella! Do you have your Fireside Girl sash? Maybe we could use it as a sling for one of his legs!" Isabella was inspecting the alien's legs, a curious expression on her face that Phineas didn't have time to interpret.</p><p>"And if it be thy will, let my legs be healed, that I may continue to be a humble servant before Thee! Amen!"</p><p>"Amen!" The crowd of bystanders echoed.</p><p>Phineas looked back down at the alien, and instantly became confused. "Wha―?"</p><p>The pain in his face was gone. "I―I don't believe it!" he said, looking down at his lower half. "My legs don't hurt anymore!" A chorus of gasps rang through the crowd. "My legs! They're healed!" He picked himself up off the ground. "I can walk again!"</p><p>"Wait!" Isabella suddenly declared. "I just had a good look at your legs a second ago, and they seemed fine!"</p><p>"No, they really were broken―but now they've been healed! It's a miracle!"</p><p>"It's a miracle!" The crowd shouted and cheered.</p><p>"See, human boy?" the alien said, turning to Phineas. "My broken legs were healed, because of my faith in the Kandake sect! If you join, you could one day be miraculously healed too!"</p><p>"Huh?" Phineas, confused, looked back at Gulliver, who's mouth had become a thin line. Isabella was facepalming.</p><p>"Doesn't that make you want to be baptized right away? Come this way, I know of a water font nearby we can use!" The alien began tugging Phineas along by the shirt.</p><p>"Hold on!" Phineas said, trying to pry himself free, "I really shouldn't get separated from my friends like this!"</p><p>"They can come get baptized too!"</p><p>"Shouldn't they be the ones to decide that? Besides, I'm not sure I'm ready for such a big commitment, either..."</p><p>"Nonsense! It's only proper for me to do something for you, to repay my gratitude!"</p><p>"That's not exactly how gratitude works, you know! And, come to think of it, I didn't actually do anything for you!"</p><p>"Hey, hold up!"</p><p>The two of them turned to look at Isabella, who had her hands on her hips. "I happen to be Jewish," she exclaimed, pulling a necklace out from under her collar to show the alien her Star of David. "So we're already good in the religion department." With that, she grabbed Phineas' hand and led him back to SAM.</p><hr/><p>"That was close. Thanks, Isabella."</p><p>Isabella patted Phineas on the back, feeling the tenseness in his shoulders from their encounter. "Don't mention it."</p><p>They had at least been able to get directions from someone in the crowd for the shop they were looking for. Now that they were close, Gulliver decided to send SAM back to the outskirts of town to wait for them, to at least ensure that a similar incident wouldn't happen again. So they continued walking through the streets, and once the crowd dispersed, they started making progress again.</p><p>The further into the city they travelled, the more aliens there were crowding the streets. There didn't seem to be any vehicles around for some reason. Everyone walked. They had seen a few shops selling the same types of exosuits Brother Abaddon and Brother Syntyche were wearing earlier, but apparently nobody used them within city limits.</p><p>They took a turn down an especially busy street, an open marketplace with dozens of tiny shops lining both sides of the pavement. This was the most crowded part of town they had yet visited. The road led to the massive cathedral at the center of town, which was now only a short distance away. As usual, virtually everyone in sight was wearing face masks.</p><p>The shop they were looking for was down a side road close by, according to the directions they had received. Phineas, Isabella, and Gulliver began walking through the less crowded parts of the market, trying to attract as little attention to themselves as possible.</p><p>"Oh my, what a cute couple! You sure do attract a lot of attention to yourselves," a shorter Euryptigan with a high-pitched voice carrying basket of wares said, approaching Phineas and Isabella. "Are you on your honeymoon? How would you like to sample some of my homemade hand sanitizer? It's an old family recipe, you'll love the scent! Here, take a bottle, as a free sample! All our sales also help support the Kandake sect, so it's for a good cause! If you join, you can even receive a second bottle, free!"</p><p>"Hey, is that old hag troubling you?" another alien shouted at them from his booth on the opposite side. "Don't buy her sanitizer, her 'old family recipe' actually uses nail clippings as a secret ingredient! Isn't that disgustingly unsanitary!? Instead, you should buy some of my towels! The towels I sell are hand-woven and guaranteed to clean even the toughest stains! These microfiber towels are not just extremely soft; they're actually made with a certain wool containing antibacterial properties! And you can use it to dry yourself off when you get baptized into the Kandake sect!"</p><p>"A certain wool containing antibacterial properties, my thorax! There's no way such a thing exists. Don't believe a word that crazy coot says!"</p><p>"That's what I should be saying about you!"</p><p>Phineas, Isabella, and Gulliver picked up their pace and ignored the bickering merchants. "Sorry, neither of us are planning on getting baptized." Phineas felt bad giving everyone the cold shoulder, but desperate times called for desperate measures.</p><hr/><p>At last, they found the shop that sold spaceship parts. Just as they approached the door, Phineas detected a blur of movement in the corner of his eye. He turned and saw a group of young, humanoid girls running gaily through the marketplace straight towards them, not paying attention to where they were going. One girl was carrying an ice cream cone, and the moment Phineas noticed her, she tripped on an uneven cobblestone, sending the top scoop of ice cream through the air.</p><p>In nanoseconds, Phineas mentally did the calculations of the ice cream's trajectory and deduced that it was going to land on Isabella. His body instantly reacted. "Watch out!" He leapt into action.</p><p>
  <em>SPLAT!</em>
</p><p>Phineas opened his eyes and looked down. The ice cream was stuck to the front of his shirt, right above his solar plexus. He quickly brushed it off, getting more of the ice cream stuck to his hands in the process.</p><p>"Yikes, rotten luck," Gulliver quipped.</p><p>"Oh, no, I'm really sorry, mister," the girl said.</p><p>"That's okay, it was an accident," Phineas reassured her. "Are you okay?"</p><p>The girl nodded.</p><p>"I should probably go wash off somewhere, though." Phineas tried to shake the melting goo from his hands, but it was getting sticky already.</p><p>"There are some wash basins over there," the girl said, pointing in the direction of the massive cathedral.</p><p>"Thanks!" Phineas offered, taking a step in the indicated direction.</p><p>"Gulliver, you go inside and see if the shop has the parts we need," Isabella quickly said, arriving at Phineas' side. "I'll go help Phineas clean up, and then we'll meet you back here."</p><p>"Very well," Gulliver agreed. "I'll be right here if you need any help."</p><p>Isabella nodded, then turned to face Phineas. "So, can you show us where―" Isabella started, but then realized the girl had vanished. "Hey, where'd she go?"</p><p>"Huh, she was right here a second ago." Phineas looked around. "Weird."</p><p>"Well, let's just get you cleaned up. We can find that wash basin without her."</p><p>Phineas nodded, and they set off. The cathedral was just ahead, and in the light of the glinting red sun, they could see its magnificence up close. The trimmings and joints were all layered in jewels and fine gemstones, and the stained glass windows were a splash of color that made everything else in the city look drab by comparison.</p><p>When they walked up to the courtyard outside the large front doors, they saw the water fountain they were looking for. Phineas removed his orange-striped shirt and began to rinse it under the running faucet, using the soap dispenser provided to get all the additional ice cream off his hands.</p><p>"What's the matter, Isabella?" he asked, noticing that Isabella was eyeing him with more intensity than usual.</p><p>She pointedly looked away. "Nothing!" She blushed so slightly he barely noticed.</p><p>Once his shirt was clean, he wrung it out and was about to put it back on when an eight foot tall Euryptigan dressed in white robes emerged from the cathedral. "A thousand greetings!" he proffered. "This act of washing your hands and garments in this sacred basin has been accepted before the Holy and Clean One, young brother! I now declare you a baptized member of the Kandake religion! Welcome to fold!"</p><p>Phineas and Isabella looked at each other, then at the fountain of water, then back at the priest. "Wha? You mean this is―"</p><p>Just then, a dark shadow peeped around from behind the waist of the priest and gazed upon the two with piercing, almost glowing, eyes. Phineas looked down and saw they belonged to the same girl who had spilled her ice cream on him, and she was now wearing a triumphantly smug grin.</p><p>It was one of those rare moments when Phineas snapped. "YOU SET ME UP?!"</p><p>In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 3: Flirt To Convert</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Preview</em>
</p><p>"<em>Brother Phineas, you are one of the flock now, that means you must begin following the twelve commandments as given to us in our holy writ, including commandment number five: Thou shalt not touch thy neighbor, for touching begets the spread of germs."</em></p><p>"<em>But Isabella is my girlfriend! I want to be close to her and hold hands with her and kiss her!"</em></p><p>"<em>Also, commandment number six: Thou shalt not stand within six feet of thy neighbor, and thou shalt wear a face mask while thou art in public for all the remainder of thy days."</em></p><p>"<em>This is too much! Hey, Gulliver, would you incidentally know what it takes to be excommunicated from Kandake? Gulliver? Hey, where did he go?"</em></p><p>Next time on Lovetopia: <em>Bacillus Lovesickus!</em></p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Fan's Notes: Character Bios</strong>
</p><p><strong>Brother Abaddon<br/></strong> <strong>Homeworld: Keturah<br/></strong> <strong>Species: Euryptigan (Male)<br/></strong> <strong>Ht: 8'1"/2.46 m. Wt: 616 lbs./279.4 kg. Age:0.05 Keturan years/25 Earth years. Eye color: Varies (red to green).<br/></strong> <strong>Missionary for the Kandake (Kahn-DAH-kay) sect. Is very friendly and somewhat garrulous, like most Keturans. Known to sing hymns in public. Likes cleaning and Kandake.</strong></p><p><strong>Brother Syntyche<br/></strong> <strong>Homeworld: Keturah<br/></strong> <strong>Species: Euryptigan (Male)<br/></strong> <strong>Ht: 7'10"/2.38 m. Wt: 602 lbs./273.1 kg. Age: 0.05 Keturan years/23 Earth years. Eye color: Varies (red to yellow).<br/></strong> <strong>Missionary for the Kandake sect. Is generally friendly, but much less talkative than his companion. According to medical records, he survived a heart transplant at a young age. Likes cleaning and Kandake.</strong></p><p><strong>Father Japheth<br/></strong> <strong>Homeworld: Keturah<br/></strong> <strong>Species: Euryptigan (Male)<br/></strong> <strong>Ht: 9'3"/2.81 m. Wt: 854 lbs./387.4 kg. Age: 0.13 Keturan years/67 Earth years. Eye color: Varies (yellow to blue).<br/></strong> <strong>Official title is the Supreme B'Moppah, or the head priest of the Kandake cathedral in Tryphosa, making him the highest ranking clergy in the Tammuz Precincts. Likes quoting scripture, cleaning, and Kandake.</strong></p><p><strong>SAM<br/></strong> <strong>Homeworld: Graturn<br/></strong> <strong>Species: N/A</strong><br/><strong>Ht: 5'5"/1.65 m. (with head extended) Wt: 6,725 lbs./3050 kg. Age: 38.6 Graturnian Cycles/1,111 Earth years. Eye color: N/A<br/></strong> <strong>Gulliver's robotic assistant for field work. Capable of providing transportation over most solid and liquid terrains as well as acting as an information transfer and storage unit for all the data, lab and field equipment a Graturnian scientist needs. Advanced AI processors control speech functions for almost 200 million languages. They require extra power and thus are generally kept offline except when needed. Note: Captain Jabberwock once attempted to pawn SAM off on Planet Aabaabaa, but a freak windstorm managed to remove Captain Jabberwock's pants, preventing the sale. The rover has been kept in storage on board his ship since.</strong></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Bacillus Lovesickus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"A thousand greetings, strangers!" The insectoid monsters bowed deeply before Captain Jabberwock and Andromeda. "I am Brother Abaddon."</p><p>"And I am Brother Syntyche, a thousand greetings."</p><p>Captain Jabberwock huffed, willfully neglecting to return their bows. "We're looking for these Earthlings." He held up a hologram of a boy with a triangular head and red hair, the image quickly changing back and forth from it to a girl with a semicircular head and pink bow. "Did you happen to see them pass this way?"</p><p>"We sure did!" Brother Abaddon said amicably. "They just came through here on their way to Tryphosa not long ago."</p><p>Without thanking them, Captain Jabberwock turned and began striding down the trail that led to the city. Andromeda wordlessly slipped into an easy gait just behind and slightly offset to him.</p><p>"Let's walk and talk!" Brother Abaddon reacted, quickly scuttling off to catch up. "I see that the two of you are not native to Keturah; does that mean you have come here to convert? The state religion is, of course, Kandake. If you are interested, Brother Syntyche and I can show you to the nearest water basin for baptism―"</p><p>"Hhhhrrrrrraaaaaggggghhhhhh!"</p><p>Captain Jabberwock cut the missionary off with an uppercut that knocked him several feet in the air, throwing him on his back. Brother Abaddon's many sets of legs wiggled in the air as he struggled to upright his body.</p><p>Not the least bit perturbed, Brother Syntyche came forward. "If you would like to familiarize yourself with Kandake's teachings first, can we give you this pamphlet? It will cover all the basics you'll need to know to prepare yourself to wash your hands from the dirt and grime of worldly things―"</p><p>"Uuuuurrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh!"</p><p>Before being allowed to finish, Brother Syntyche was wrapped up in Captain Jabberwock's muscular arms and flipped backwards, to be bodily slammed into the ground by the alien pirate in a german suplex.</p><p>Slapping his hands on his thighs to shake the dust off, Captain Jabberwock cracked his neck to one side and the other before continuing unabated towards the city. Andromeda never even glanced back to take in the state of the two alien missionaries, their upright legs twitching in the air.</p><hr/><p><em>What does it take for a girl to get five minutes alone with her man? </em>Isabella grumbled to herself as she watched this latest development unfold.</p><p>"This has to be a misunderstanding," Phineas was saying, holding his hands up defensively. "I wasn't trying to join your church or anything, I was just washing some ice cream off my shirt!"</p><p>"If that were the case, why didn't you use a bathroom? This basin right here is designated for baptisms only, and you used it, therefore you are baptized!"</p><p>Isabella looked on the bright side. <em>At least Phineas still hasn't put his shirt back on yet!</em> With him busy arguing with the priest, it gave her a good chance to see him in this state.</p><p>"I didn't know!" Phineas retorted. "Can't you make an exception? Just this once?"</p><p>"If I did, according to our ancient traditions, you would have to be stoned as a heathen for desecrating the holy water!"</p><p>Phineas slumped, accepting defeat. "Look on the bright side, look on the bright side," he muttered to himself. "Oh, who am I kidding? What bright side?"</p><p><em>His shirt is still off!</em> Isabella willed herself not to blink so as to take in every second of the view. <em>Ooh, six pack!</em></p><hr/><p>"I can't believe I'm stuck wearing one of these things…" Phineas adjusted the surgeon's mask on his face once again as the two of them walked back through the marketplace.</p><p>"Well, it's not like anyone's making you wear it," Isabella offered. "You could take it off if you really wanted, couldn't you?"</p><p>"Yeah, but wouldn't that be dishonest? I am technically in their church now."</p><p>"So? That doesn't mean you have to follow every single one of their stupid rules."</p><p>"It doesn't?" Phineas looked like he had never considered that possibility before.</p><p>"I mean, look at me. We may be Jewish, but my family isn't actively practicing Judaism or anything. My mom and I haven't been to the synagogue in years."</p><p>Phineas stopped and looked down. After taking a moment to mull things over, he removed the face mask. "Here, didn't you say you wanted one earlier?"</p><p>"I refuse," Isabella said without hesitation. "Did you already forget my religious background? It would be considered blasphemous for me to wear that."</p><p>"But you just admitted you aren't practicing!"</p><p>Isabella turned her nose up and continued to walk back towards the shop.</p><hr/><p>"Gulliver? Hello, Gulliver? I could have sworn this was where we left him."</p><p>Isabella searched down every aisle of merchandise, while Phineas was looking for him in the checkout line.</p><p>"Did you find him?"</p><p>"Nope, not there."</p><p>"Great. Well, we'll worry about that later. Right now, let's check and see if they have the parts we need," Isabella said.</p><p>"Good idea." Phineas led the way down a few aisles, and Isabella helped him scan the shelves for the correct replacement parts. They threw everything they needed into a bin.</p><p>"If only I could read these price tags," Phineas said, "but they're written in an alien language."</p><p>"How <em>have</em> we been able to understand every alien we've come across so far?" Isabella pondered. "I mean, Gulliver has been the only one <em>I've</em> seen wearing a translation mustache."</p><p>"Beats me," Phineas said. "But you know, it's like Ferb always says about gift horses."</p><p>"It has been convenient. But you're right. That's a question for another time. Right now, we need to find out how much these parts cost and what it will take to pay for them."</p><p>They brought their basket to the checkout stand. The shopkeeper was a humanoid alien with chalk white skin that made it hard to tell where his face ended and his surgeon's mask began. He took the basket and looked at the items. "That will be 1,150 marks, please."</p><p>Phineas checked his pockets. "Let's see, I got, um, seventy-nine cents here," he said, laying the coins on the counter. "How much will that get us?"</p><hr/><p>The two of them sat empty handed on the street in front of the shop entrance, gloomily staring into the distance.</p><p>"Man," Phineas sighed, "this was a lot easier back home when all you had to do was sign a slip of paper, and the trucks would drop everything off right in the backyard."</p><p>"You know, I've always wondered, how <em>do</em> you and Ferb pay for all the projects we build every summer?"</p><p>"Actually, it's funny you should ask. You see, there's a―"</p><p>At that moment, somewhere inside the shop, there was a loud crash that made Isabella glance over her shoulder to investigate. Through one of the windows, it looked like some piece of merchandise had fallen off one of the shelves, making a small scene as curious shoppers moseyed over to inspect the damage and observe the commotion.</p><p>"―And since it was stimulating the local economy of Danville so much, the city council approved our yearly budget," Phineas finished, oblivious to the fact that Isabella hadn't heard anything of substance at all in his explanation.</p><p>"C'mon," she said, jumping to her feet. "Let's go see if they need any help."</p><hr/><p>By the time they arrived, the shopkeeper was busily sweeping up a pile of scattered screws and bolts off the floor and setting them in a pile by the object that had crashed―a satellite of some sort, Isabella realized. "That looks like it came from Earth!" she said, and Phineas nodded in agreement.</p><p>"Let's go take a closer look."</p><p>The satellite had a rectangular body, an array of solar panels on either side, and a multitude of menacing rods and antennae on its front, including a green barrel-shaped gizmo. The chassis was crumpled and dusty, indicating the machine had seen better days.</p><p>Phineas stepped up to inspect the satellite.</p><p>"Hey, don't touch that!" the shopkeeper impatiently moped. "You can't pay for it if it―oh, nevermind. It's already broken anyways. Just don't break it any further!"</p><p>"The De-Love-Inator," Phineas read, brushing away some dust with his finger. "It is from Earth! The label is in English. I wonder how it ended up here, though."</p><p>"A De-Love-Inator?" Isabella said. "What does it do?"</p><p>"This label is pretty worn. Let's see, I think it says this green thing up here shoots a beam that can―'eliminate the feeling of love?' Whoa, that sounds pretty evil!"</p><p>"That's awful!" Isabella agreed. She couldn't imagine what her life would be like if her feelings for Phineas were suddenly wiped out in a flash of light. "Maybe it's a good thing it's broken!"</p><p>"No, no it isn't!" the shopkeep directed over his shoulder. "I can't sell it if it's broken!"</p><p>"Say," Phineas said to the shopkeeper, a light bulb going off in his head. "If Isabella and I fixed it for you, would you consider that adequate compensation for those spaceship parts?"</p><p>"Not for all of them, that piece of junk is only worth two hundred marks at the most. But it would be a start."</p><hr/><p>Just like that, the De-Love-Inator satellite looked good as new.</p><p>"Very impressive work," the shopkeeper said, watching the polished chrome sparkle. He then turned and gave Isabella and Phineas a suspicious look. "Hm. Aren't you kids a little young to be fixing broken merchandise at a small alien shop selling used space junk?"</p><p>"Um, we are teenagers now, so, I don't think so," Phineas answered, not all that sure-sounding himself. "At least, compared to how young we used to be."</p><p>The shop owner rubbed his chin. "I'll tell you what," he said, after a pause. "I got this other thing I've been tryin'a fix, but so far, it's no good. If you help me fix it, I'll consider it an even trade for those parts you're after. Capeesh?"</p><p>Isabella's and Phineas' faces surged with joy. "Capeesh!" they enthusiastically echoed.</p><p>"What is it you want us to fix?" Phineas asked, looking eager to work on a new project.</p><p>"It's not something I can describe too well, I'll have to show you."</p><p>Phineas seemed even more piqued. "Okay, where is it?" He looked around the shop.</p><p>"It's not in my shop. Tell you what; it's getting kind of late, I should be closing shop soon anyways. After I close up, I'll take you to it."</p><p>Phineas nodded. "Sounds good!"</p><p>With that, the shopkeeper left, and Isabella and Phineas jumped into each other's arms. "We're gonna make it home!" Isabella exclaimed.</p><p>"I get to fix some cool alien machine!" Phineas exclaimed.</p><p>The two looked back at each other. "Wait, what? That's―oh, right." They both realized they were excited for different reasons.</p><p>Isabella sighed nostalgically. <em>This reminds me of that time we were in Paris, and all he wanted to do was fix that plane.</em> "Some things never change," she said, shaking her head. <em>Ah, remember how Phineas didn't take a single romantic hint the entire time we were in the City of Love? </em>She giggled at the memory.</p><p>"Hey, Isabella?" Phineas whispered, jutting her out of her memories. "There's, um…" he said softly, looking nervous for some reason.</p><p>"What, Phineas?" she prompted.</p><p>He glanced around. "Well, there's, um, no one around. We're alone―for the moment."</p><p>Isabella's heart just about stopped. <em>He's right! And we're still hugging! How did I not notice?</em></p><p>He leaned in so that she could feel his breath on her ear as he whispered. "Do you want to―you know, <em>kiss</em> some more?"</p><p>The tip of his nose had turned beet red. Isabella could feel her breathing become shallow, and her body began to turn hot. Without her brain needing to tell them to, her hands came up to cup his cheeks, and she leaned forward, pursing her lips outward.</p><p>They met in the middle with his. The steaming heat of his body enveloped her, giving her butterflies. The passionate moment she had been dreaming of her whole life was―!</p><p>"Goodness gracious! What on Keturah are the two of you doing?!" the shopkeeper said in a shocked tone that may as well have been a shout for how much Isabella jumped out of her skin from it. "Committing such sinful acts <em>in my shop?</em> Outrageous! That's it, come with me! I'm taking the both of you to confess your sins and repent immediately!"</p><hr/><p>Back at the cathedral, Phineas sat alone in the confessional booth, a dark shadow veiling the face opposite him―yet he was able to recognize the voice as belonging to the priest from earlier.</p><p>"Oh lost sheep, confess your sins here beneath the feet of the Spotless One, and He shall forgive you of your unclean deeds," Father Japheth chanted in an almost sing-song tone.</p><p>Phineas took a deep breath. "Er, Father," he started, uncertain how to proceed. "It's me, the one who accidentally got baptized earlier? Anyways, we didn't do anything <em>really </em>bad, I swear! Isabella and I just, you know, kissed a little, and that's it! That's as far as we went!"</p><p>Father Japheth answered with a gentle voice. "I see. Anything else?"</p><p>Phineas shook his head. "No, I promise! I would never do anything to hurt Isabella! And I definitely wouldn't take things further without discussing it with her first! We've only been on one date, after all! But, she's my best friend, and I really like her, and I won't do anything that would compromise our relationship."</p><p>The Kandake priest took his time formulating a response. "Very well. Fret not, little one, for the Cleansed Master is forgiving. You are still new to the enlightened way, after all, so a few slip-ups here and there are to be expected. Now, cast your mind with me on the Book of Nogah, seventeenth chapter, twelfth verse: 'And the Lord said unto me, Thou shalt not touch thy neighbor, for touching begets the spread of germs. Verily I say, germs are the seeds of the vile one, who spreads sickness and disease and all manner of illness. Therefore, take thee with you this bottle of alcohol-based hand sanitizer, and anoint thine hands with it; that thou mayest be clean before me once more.'"</p><p>Phineas blinked. That was not at all what he had expected to hear.</p><p>"So, this isn't about Isabella and I <em>kissing?</em>" he wondered aloud. "It's about <em>germs?</em>"</p><p>"Of course. What else would it be about?"</p><p>"Frankly, I thought I was going to be lectured on my chastity."</p><p>"Yes, we believe in being chaste. As the scripture says, 'Blessed are the chaste, for they do in their abstinence remain clean of all foreign bodies, and antibodies, and bodily fluids.' Even though kisses may seem innocent by some world's standards, they are in fact fundamentally dirty acts. Viruses, T-cells, saliva and other fluids, and much more can be easily swapped between the two parties. That is what makes kissing a sin."</p><p>Phineas' jaw was descending to somewhere in the vicinity of his belly button. "Yes, finally!" he gesticulated by pumping a fist in the air. "Somebody else agrees with me!"</p><p>This was his old way of thinking talking. Phineas sat back in his seat, reshuffling his thoughts. "Although, while I agreed about that in the past, I can't help but feel differently around Isabella. It's like, I don't know, I <em>want</em> to share her viruses and T-cells and saliva. Which, I know, sounds gross, but at the same time―<em>doesn't.</em>"</p><p>"It is normal to have these feelings," Father Japheth declared. "Our primitive ancestors in the Old World used to dig and hedge about in the dirt, and those burrowing instincts still live inside many of us―even the prophets had to overcome the same unclean temptations you're experiencing. However, members of the Kandake sect must strive to overcome the filthy urges to soil our bodies. Now, go, keep these words in mind, and sin no more. Just remember, if you are wearing your face mask, you can't kiss anyone. Let it protect you from all evil and uncleanliness."</p><hr/><p>As soon as Isabella saw Phineas come out of the confessional, he glanced at her, then down at the face mask in his hands, then back at her. Then, clenching the mask in his fist, he made a shrieking noise like a wildman and hurled the mask as far as he could.</p><p>"Rrrraaaaaggggghhhhhhh!"</p><hr/><p>"So, how did it go?" The shopkeeper was waiting for them by the pews in the nave.</p><p>Phineas looked uncharacteristically drained. "I'm forgiven," he said with a gaunt face.</p><p>"Wonderful!" replied the shopkeep, rejoicing with a clap of his hands. "Now then, the device I needed your help with is close―it's actually inside the catacombs beneath this cathedral!"</p><p>Phineas seemed to pep up at hearing that. "Awesome! So do we get to fix it now?"</p><p>The shopkeep nodded. "Follow me." He led them to a staircase in the back of the chapel that was blocked off by stanchions. The stairs took them underground to a padlocked door. Their guide extracted a heavy iron key and opened the door with a <em>click</em>. Isabella proceeded through into a dimly lit corridor.</p><p>"Do you know the story of Saint Mattan the Alchemist, our cathedral's patron saint?" asked the shopkeep as they walked through the dim crypt.</p><p>"Can't say we do," Phineas answered.</p><p>"Saint Mattan traveled around the Old World seeking the philosopher's stone, a divine relic blessed with the power to completely clean and disinfect anything it touches."</p><p>"I believe you are mistaken," Phineas inserted. "The legend of the philosopher's stone says it could turn anything it touched to gold."</p><p>"To gold, are you kidding me? Who filled your head with that bologna? The philosopher's stone is a purification relic. Not a transmogrification relic, that's ridiculous."</p><p>Phineas frowned slightly and didn't open his mouth again for a while.</p><p>"So did he ever find the stone?" Isabella asked, the burden of conversation now being placed on her.</p><p>"He never did. If it did exist, the stone was destroyed along with Saint Mattan's home planet ten million years ago. Since the day our forefathers were led through the nebulous wilderness across the Pegasus sector to the promised land here on Keturah, our alchemists have tried and failed to create a new philosopher's stone here on this planet. With each experiment, we inched a little closer to achieving our dreams, until one day, a Kandake priest was shown in a vision from on high what we lacked.</p><p>"The vision took away his voice and eyesight, rendering him mute and blind for the rest of his life. That didn't stop him; he faithfully carved the blueprints for the device that could give us a new philosopher's stone onto clay tablets before he gave up the ghost."</p><p>They were brought to another door. "Behind this door, the pillar of our salvation rests. Here, technicians like me have painstakingly built the machine those blueprints describe with exacting detail. Behold!" He twisted the handle and swung the door open. "The Analog!"</p><p>"Whoa!" Isabella's and Phineas' eyes were instantly drawn upward. They were in a huge cavern, in the center of which dangled a yellow and green semicircular machine, hanging from the ceiling overhead. It emitted a soft glow from several spiraling conductive rods that pointed to a platform directly underneath the device. Thick bundles of wires and cables ran this way and that across the stone floor, while a vast array of gears, levers, and pulleys twisted and swayed overhead, churning in the background in perpetual motion.</p><p>"It's big!" Phineas said.</p><p>"It isn't quite finished yet," the shopkeeper continued. "The other engineers and I can't figure out what is wrong with it. Let me show you what happens." He picked out a stone from a nearby crate of samples, placed it on the platform underneath the glowing rods, and stepped back.</p><p>"You'll want to put these on," he said, handing Isabella and Phineas each a pair of welding goggles, before moving towards a forked switch on the wall. "Activating in three. Two. One."</p><p>He flipped the switch. There was a bright flash of light. <em>Zap!</em></p><p>The stone on the platform began shining brightly, radiating a blinding white light, before it vanished in a puff of smoke. The Analog whirred to a halt, and the shopkeeper returned the switch to its upright position. "Instead of creating a philosopher's stone, it disintegrates it. We don't know why. So―forgive me for not asking sooner, but what did you say your names were again?"</p><p>"I'm Phineas, and this is Isabella."</p><p>"A thousand greetings. My name is Abenoni. Do you think you are capable of fixing the Analog? If you do, God's blessings will rain down upon you, and giving you the parts you need would be the least I could do to show my gratitude."</p><p>Phineas wore his usual, confident smile. "I'll be happy to take a look at it! And with Isabella's help, I know I'll be able to get the Analog working!" He extracted a wrench from somewhere on his person and looked ready to jump in and get to work.</p><p>"Great! You can start first thing tomorrow morning!"</p><p>"Awwww…" Phineas' excitement instantly deflated.</p><hr/><p>"So you don't have a place to stay tonight? It's no problem for you to spend the night at my home," the shopkeeper, Abenoni, told them. "My wife probably already has dinner waiting."</p><p>"It feels like it's only noon in Earthtime," Phineas said in a tone that had the faintest hint of a whine. Isabella guessed he was still feeling a little down about having to wait until tomorrow to fix the machine. "I guess Isabella and I will have to deal with the jetlag―or, space-lag, I suppose I should say."</p><p>"Gulliver told me every planet has its own unique day and night cycle, and the indigenous lifeforms adapt their circadian rhythm accordingly," Isabella said. "Keturah's days are only eighteen hours long instead of twenty-four. So we'll have to get used to nine hours of daylight while we're here, instead of twelve hours like back on Earth."</p><p>"That's―actually kind of cool!" Phineas decided, before stifling a small yawn. "Maybe I could use a nap. I didn't sleep too well in the brig on Captain Jabberwock's ship."</p><p>"My wife and I have three boys and two girls. You two can share rooms with one of them," Abenoni said.</p><p>"Thanks!"</p><p>"But what about Gulliver?" Isabella asked Phineas.</p><p>"I haven't seen him since earlier, so there's nothing we can do about him."</p><p>"Do you think he got lost?"</p><p>"Well, he seems to be pretty experienced at finding his way around alien planets on his own, so I bet he's doing just fine."</p><p>"I hope you're right," Isabella said, slightly worried.</p><p>They reached the nave and were now moving towards the exit. With the red sun setting, the stained glass windows filled the cathedral with a kaleidoscope of colors, and Isabella couldn't help but be impressed by their beauty. She didn't have much time to admire them before they stepped outside into the red-tinted evening, where the previously crowded marketplace was thinning out.</p><p>"I live this way," Abenoni pointed, and Isabella and Phineas followed.</p><hr/><p>They arrived at a brick house with a white picket fence that wouldn't have looked out of place in a suburb on Earth. Abenoni led them up the porch before opening the door and stepping inside. "I'm home!" he called from the entrance.</p><p>"Dad!" a chorus of voices from various locations echoed back. "Dinner's almost ready!"</p><p>"We will be having some guests tonight!" Abenoni kicked off his shoes at the entrance. Upon seeing this, Isabella and Phineas did the same.</p><p>There was a flurry of footsteps. Within moments, three smaller aliens who were obviously Abenoni's children came crashing onto the landing of the staircase to get a look at the strangers. They looked like printed copies of Abenoni that were zoomed out to a smaller size. They had child-sized humanoid bodies with the same creamy white skin. None had hair, which came as a surprise to Isabella, since they were so human-like in every other way. She had just assumed Abenoni was bald, but maybe their race didn't have hair.</p><p>"Kids, this is Phineas and Isabella. They are going to be sleeping over here tonight. These are my three youngest; Abidan, Abital, and Amasa. Say hello, everyone."</p><p>"A thousand greetings," the kids chanted.</p><p>"A thousand greetings!" Isabella and Phineas responded.</p><p>"You're all so cute!" Isabella crouched with her hands on her knees to look at them from eye level. Putting on her friendliest smile, she glanced at the smallest. "Your name's Amasa? What'cha doin' with that?"</p><p>The one named Amasa was carrying a doll. Amasa held the toy outstretched, but didn't speak.</p><p>Phineas stepped in, trying to follow Isabella's lead by putting on a warm smile to coax the shy child into opening up. "Is that your doll? It looks perfect for a pretty girl like you!"</p><p>Amasa blushed and looked away.</p><p>One of the other children tugged on Phineas' sleeve. "Oh, and your name was Abital, right?" he said to the child.</p><p>"He's actually a boy," Abital said bluntly, pointing at Amasa. "Not a girl." Phineas froze. The room suddenly went dead quiet.</p><p>"...I'm so sorry," Phineas said, embarrassment rushing to his face.</p><hr/><p>"It's okay, it's easy to get confused the first time you meet a new alien species," Abenoni was saying, trying to wave away Phineas' profuse apologies. Meanwhile, Isabella tried her best to cheer Phineas back up by patting his shoulder encouragingly.</p><p>"Abdiel? Abiah?" Abenoni shouted up the stairs. "Are you two going to come meet our important guests?"</p><p>"We're doing homework!" was the response he received from two voices somewhere upstairs.</p><p>At that moment, another adult alien with a slightly more slender frame than Abenoni's entered the room. "Hi, hun," his wife said, handing him a moist nap. "Welcome home."</p><p>"Thank you, dear," Abenoni said, taking off his face mask for the first time and wiping it down with the moist towelette before placing the mask on a rack by the entrance, where a host of other masks were also being stored. "Phineas, Isabella, this is my wife, Ammiel."</p><p>"A thousand greetings!" They each gave Keturah's customary token greeting. Ammiel wasn't wearing a mask; neither were any of the children, Isabella realized. Apparently they didn't have to wear them inside their home.</p><p>"Come, now, everyone, it's time to wash your hands for dinner," the matriarch said. "Abdiel and Abiah, you can finish your homework later! Phineas, Isabella, give me one moment, and I'll set seats at the table for you too."</p><hr/><p>"And please bless this food which we are about to eat, which has been safely handled and prepared, that the harmful microbes will all be killed off; and that no loose dust or hair will blow into it before we eat it. Amen."</p><p>"Amen!" The prayer over the meal ended, and everyone began digging in. The main dish was some type of meat smothered in a light sauce that smelled like gravy. Sides included a white, mushy substance that reminded Isabella of mashed potatoes, and something green that was obviously the vegetable.</p><p>"Thanks for the meal!" Phineas heartily pronounced through a mouthful of food. "It's really good!"</p><p>Isabella cautiously took a bite, testing the white stuff. It had a similar flavor to rice. Then she tried the meat, which tasted no different than pork chops. "Delicious," she said, surprised. After her experience eating the blue gruel the pirates fed her, she wasn't expecting such a familiar meal so far away from Earth.</p><p>Everything seemed so normal. At least, more normal than anything else that had happened today. Gulliver had said alien cultures and lifestyles would be vastly different from anything she had experienced back home, yet here she was, using a fork―they had invented forks here! As much as she wanted to get back home, she felt a sudden surge of gratitude for at least having the next best thing at the moment.</p><p>She nibbled on another bite of food to keep her emotions in check. "Thank you, Abenoni and Ammiel, for all of this. You don't know how much it means to me to have this one moment of normalcy in this chaotic galaxy we live in."</p><p>The mother, Ammiel, returned Isabella a sweet smile. "Thank you! You're very polite, for an infidel."</p><p>Isabella swallowed the two-handed compliment-insult. "Uh, thanks."</p><p>Ammiel turned to Phineas. "Phineas, on the other hand…" A soft sigh escaped her. Phineas looked up, his cheeks stuffed full of food, wondering what he'd done wrong this time. "Look, I understand this is your first day in the Kandake sect, but even for a recent convert, your table manners are <em>awful.</em>"</p><p>Phineas looked down at his plate, then at his hands. With a big gulp, he swallowed his food and said, "Sorry, what was I supposed to be doing?"</p><p>Before anyone could answer, the stairwell erupted with bangs and thumps as the two oldest children arrived to join the dinner table. "Our homework is finished!"</p><p>"Abdiel, Abiah," Abenoni said, "these are our guests, Phineas and Isabella."</p><p>"A thousand greetings," Phineas said, as if he were being conditioned to.</p><p>"'Sup, chumps?" The taller one said, looking and acting the way someone would while going through their rebellious teenage phase.</p><p>The more slender of the two didn't even look their way before taking a seat. Phineas was looking intensely at this teenager. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and pointed his finger at this member of the family. "You're the girl from earlier! The one who spilled the ice cream on me and tricked me into getting baptized!"</p><p>The room went quiet as everyone looked at the two. The girl slowly lifted her eyes to meet Phineas', and Isabella detected the faintest hint of a smirk.</p><p>"Ahem," Ammiel cleared her throat. "Phineas, that is our son, Abiah. He is, in fact, a boy."</p><p>There was an audible noise from Phineas' brain, that sounded like something crashed and broke.</p><p>"..."</p><p>All of the younger children snickered.</p><p>Phineas slowly sat back down and scooped up a forkful of greens, which he rapidly inserted into his mouth. "What do you call this stuff? It's delicious!" he said, trying to change the subject. "Hrgm!" He suddenly made a face and covered his mouth with his hand, to prevent himself from spitting it out. After a second, he removed his hand and put on a fake smile. "Yum yum!" he said through watering eyes.</p><hr/><p>"So, how was school today?" Abenoni asked the table.</p><p>"Good," the children rang in unison.</p><p>"Learn anything new?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>"Like what?"</p><p>"I don't know."</p><p>"Can you pass me the salt, Abdiel, dear?" Ammiel asked.</p><p>Phineas, looking overeager to salvage what was left of his first impression to the matriarch, said, "I got it!" and held the salt shaker out for her.</p><p>Everyone stopped whatever they were doing and gave him stunned looks.</p><p>Isabella felt as confused as he looked. <em>How did he commit another social faux pas just by passing the salt?</em></p><p>Ammiel carefully reached across the table to accept the salt from him. "Phineas," she said, using the tone of voice a mother would while correcting her child, "when a member of the Kandake sect passes the salt, he or she <em>never</em> passes it directly over any plate in the table, be it yours or someone else's." She pointed to his forearm, which he was holding directly over his plate of food, then compared it to her own elbow, which she had carefully angled outward to go around the airspace above her plate. "You never know if a speck of dirt or stray hair sticking to the bottom of the salt could fall into the food, desecrating it. Never put something foreign in the column of space above the food."</p><p>Phineas removed his arm. "Sorry, I didn't know that rule. Table manners are a little different here than they are where we come from, it seems."</p><p>"That may be, but your heathen girlfriend's manners have been perfect, so I daresay it's just you."</p><p>Phineas shot an upset glance at Isabella.</p><p>
  <em>Sorry, Phineas, but you got yourself into this one.</em>
</p><p>Heaving a great sigh, Phineas said, "I'll try to do better," as he sat up straight, tucked his napkin into his collar, and rearranged his hold on his utensil to be more sophisticated.</p><p>Ammiel gave him a nod of appeasement. "So, Abdiel, how did your algebra test today go?"</p><p>"Okay, I think," the rebellious-acting teenager said between mouthfuls.</p><p>"What grade did you get?"</p><p>"Um…"</p><p>"Abdiel got a 'D'," Abiah snitched, receiving an angry glare in return from his sibling.</p><p>"Well Abiah was playing with wigs again today!" Abdiel retorted vengefully.</p><p>Gasps came from both parental figures. "Abiah! You know that hair falls out on things and makes them dirty! Even wigs are filthy!"</p><p>"I thought we raised you better than this!"</p><p>"You could be covered in hair right now!"</p><p>"Ow!"</p><p>Abiah punched Abdiel in the shoulder. Isabella subliminally brushed a finger through her own hair, wondering if she was being judged for the long curtains of silky smoothness she wore so proudly.</p><p>"I only did it because I saw a couple of prospective converts," Abiah said in his defense. "If I didn't wear the wig, I wouldn't have been able to convince them to convert to Kandake!"</p><p>Phineas spilled his white rice-stuff on the table at hearing that. "You're talking about me, right? You wore a wig to get me to think you were just an innocent girl who accidentally spilled her ice cream on me?"</p><p>Abiah stuck his tongue out at Phineas at a choice moment when his mother wasn't watching.</p><p>"Oh dear, Phineas, it sends you've made a small mess," Ammiel said, seeing his spill.</p><p>"Sorry, I'll just eat this as it is," he reacted, scooping the food into his mouth.</p><p>"Eww!"</p><p>"Gross!"</p><p>"Disgusting!" All the children were reacting dramatically.</p><p>Phineas spat it out immediately. "I'm sorry! I didn't think that wasn't―I mean, you've heard of the five-second rule, right?"</p><p>"Yuck, he just spat it out, too! That's even worse!" Now the whole table was in an uproar.</p><p>Phineas was once again apologizing profusely.</p><hr/><p>After a while, the atmosphere was able to settle back down. "Phineas," the shopkeeper Abenoni took it upon himself to explain, "the 'five-second rule' is one of the lies used by the adversary. In actuality, once something has touched the table or floor for even a nanosecond, it is unclean. I will not tolerate anyone appealing to the perfidious five-second rule in my house, so keep that in mind from now on."</p><p>"It won't happen again, I promise!" Phineas said from behind his hands, which were upraised, palms together, in a repentant, prayerlike fashion.</p><hr/><p>"Alright, it's time for dessert! Did everyone eat their vegetables?" Ammiel asked as she began clearing out plates.</p><p>"Yes, mother!"</p><p>"Tonight's dessert is pie―oh, the pie is almost gone. Well, we also have ice cream, so you'll each have to pick one or the other."</p><p>The children all shouted their various choices. Isabella didn't have a preference, so she waited to see what everyone else picked first.</p><p>"I'm not in the mood for ice cream," Phineas said with a furrowed brow, while glancing at a certain person at the table.</p><p>"Okay, Phineas, dear, you get the last piece of pie!" Ammiel declared, handing him the slice on a clean plate. "Guess that means the nonbeliever will have to have ice cream." Based on the accompanying smile on the matriarch's face, Isabella again couldn't tell whether she was supposed to feel insulted or not as she accepted a bowl of vanilla ice cream.</p><p>The cold, creamy dessert tasted identical to its counterpart on Earth, but wasn't quite as good as the ice cream from the moon, Isabella thought.</p><p>Phineas dug into his pie right away. "That's a very sweet flavor," he said. "What kind of pie is this?"</p><p>"Jabinberry pie."</p><p>"I don't think we have those on Earth. But it tastes similar to Doonkelberry pie. I wish you could try my mom's sometime."</p><p>"I'd be delighted to!" Ammiel seemed to be finally getting along with Phineas.</p><p>Phineas turned to Isabella. "Hey Isabella, want to try a bite? It's pretty good! I'll trade you for a bite of ice cream!"</p><p>Isabella's mind immediately began churning. <em>He wants to share his food, like a couple! That means we'll use the same spoon</em>―<em>it's practically kissing!</em></p><p>"Okay!" she quickly agreed, digging out a scoop of ice cream and holding it up in front of his mouth. "Say, 'Ah!'" Then her ability to reason kicked in. <em>Wait a second… won't this just</em>―<em>?</em></p><p>"Just what are the two of you doing?" Ammiel shrieked when she saw Isabella about to hand-feed Phineas some ice cream. "Sharing food? Sharing <em>utensils?</em> I'm not surprised by this coming from you, Phineas, but <em>Isabella?! </em>I expected more from you. You really are nothing more than a vile seductress. Shame on you!"</p><p>Isabella could feel her head almost explode cartoonishly in anger.</p><p>"Isabella, are you okay?" Phineas seemed to notice.</p><p>"...Peachy," she forced through pursed lips.</p><p>"Now you know how I feel…"</p><hr/><p>"It's clean-up time! Gather round, everyone, we need to have the entire house spotless before bedtime!"</p><p>Dinner had only just finished. Even the younger children were already grabbing cleaning supplies like brooms and dustpans, dusters and vacuums, sponges and toilet scrubbers. Isabella figured at this point this was just another part of the daily routine for the family. Something like the equivalent to reading the Torah and saying evening prayers in her extended family.</p><p>"Abdiel and Abiah, clean the kitchen and sink and wash the dishes," their mother instructed. "Abidan, Abital, and Amasa, help your father clean the restrooms and sweep the stairs. I'll tidy up the living room."</p><p>Bodies began moving every which way. Isabella and Phineas watched as Ammiel directed traffic in her home like a police officer, ushering people to and fro. Isabella felt awkward, having nothing to do, but she was getting tired of dealing with the weirdness in this family and on this planet. She just wanted to go find a place to hide and get away from everything for a while.</p><p>Phineas looked uncomfortable too, but to her chagrin, he instead stepped forward. "Isabella and I want to help, too! What can we do?"</p><p>Without missing a beat, the matriarch answered, "Phineas, you can vacuum the dining and living room for me. And as for you, Isabella dear, just take this broom and sweep any places you have stepped. Even the ground beneath the feet of unbelievers is unclean, as the scripture says."</p><p>Isabella accepted the broom with a long face.</p><hr/><p><em>This place isn't even dirty, </em>Isabella thought to herself as she swept wantonly to appear busy. <em>It's like they're doing this for fun, like watching TV.</em></p><p>Indeed, she was certain this was part of some sort of ritual or routine. The family was even singing hymns as they cleaned, every part of the house getting its own psalm or verse.</p><p><em>Scrub that toilet until it sparkles,<br/></em> <em>Wipe the seat to get it to shine.<br/></em> <em>Get behind the pipes and under the lid<br/></em> <em>So that the bathroom stays divine.</em></p><p><em>Fill your sponge with plenty of soap and water,<br/></em> <em>Make those dishes swim in suds of bubbles.<br/></em> <em>Take out the trash after dumping out the dustpan,<br/></em> <em>And mop away your mealtime troubles!</em></p><p><em>For the angels in heaven above<br/></em> <em>Dwell not in unclean places,<br/></em> <em>But the devils, yea even the dust devils,<br/></em> <em>Enter in through the upswept spaces!</em></p><p>Fortunately, because the entire house was already spick and span before they started, the cleaning session did not last long.</p><hr/><p>"Whew! The house looks great!" Ammiel said, wiping her brow. "Good work, everyone! The White Angel will see that all the children in this house are being good and staying clean when he flies over us tonight!"</p><p>The three youngsters, Abidan, Abital, and Amasa, had an extra sparkle in their eye when they heard that. "Yay!" they cheered.</p><p>The two older siblings, Abdiel and Abiah, noticeably rolled their eyes.</p><p>"Well, we'd all better get some rest," the rebellious Abdiel said with a stretch and fake yawn. "Lots to do tomorrow, so I think I'll turn in early―"</p><p>"And where do you think you're going?" Ammiel said, catching Abdiel by the ear. "You need to practice your algebra some more before you hit the sack. If you get another 'D,' you'll find yourself doing volunteer charity work with the sewer maintenance council again."</p><p>"Awwwwwww…" Abdiel groaned.</p><p>"You know, back home, I have a friend who is really strong at math, and I'm not too bad at it, either," Phineas offered. "If Abdiel needs some help, I'll be happy to tutor him." Phineas stuck his chest out proudly―then sucked it back in when he saw their reactions.</p><p>Everyone was looking at Phineas with pitying gazes.</p><p>"What?" he asked.</p><p>Abdiel facepalmed and let out a snicker. "You think I'm about to let a moron who can't tell the difference between boys and girls tutor me? Because I'M A GIRL!" With that, she stomped up the stairs, and moments later, they all heard a door slam.</p><p>Nobody said a word for a while after that.</p><hr/><p>Eventually, everyone was getting ready for bed, and Isabella was given a spare mattress to sleep on in Abdiel's room, the rebellious teenager who struggled with math. Phineas would be sleeping just down the hall with Abiah, the boy who had instigated the ice cream incident earlier. Neither of them seemed too pleased with those sleeping arrangements. It seemed like Isabella hadn't been laying on her mattress for thirty seconds when something loud crashed and shook the entire floor from the direction of Abiah's and Phineas' room.</p><p>Isabella, Abdiel, Abenoni, and Ammiel rushed into the room to see Phineas and Abiah dueling with rulers as swords and pillows for shields.</p><p>"What in the world is going on here?" Abenoni shouted, before his wife could. "Kandake believers are supposed to be pacifists! Break it up!"</p><p>"He started it!"</p><p>"I was just defending myself!"</p><p>"Well I'm ending it! Phineas, if you two can't get along, you'll have to sleep on the couch downstairs."</p><p>"I'd rather sleep anywhere than in the same room with this liar!" Phineas retorted, grabbing his things and storming out. Isabella was a bit shocked. Phineas never got this angry, except maybe once or twice with Candace under only the gravest of stakes. Phineas must have really not been getting along well with that boy.</p><p>Once things settled down again, Isabella found herself back on her mattress in Abdiel's room. She figured it was probably only late afternoon Earth time, but it felt like she had been through one of the longest, weirdest days of her life. She closed her eyes and experienced no difficulty falling asleep.</p><hr/><p>She didn't know how long she had been out for. It was still nighttime, and after lying still for a while, the grogginess was fading. Rolling over a few times didn't help preserve her diminishing drowsiness; she was now fully alert and refreshed. Isabella quietly shook her blanket off and crept to the door.</p><p>"What are you doing?" Abdiel whispered sharply, making Isabella jump.</p><p>"Um, just going to the bathroom," she whispered back.</p><p>"Yeah, right. You're sneaking out to visit with your boyfriend, aren't you?"</p><p>Luckily, the darkness hid her blush. "N-no! I wasn't… I just wanted some fresh air―"</p><p>"Shh! You'll wake my parents!" Abdiel cut her off.</p><p>They both listened to make sure there were no other noises being made in the house. Finally, Abdiel sat up to face Isabella properly. "The third and seventh steps creak, make sure you step over them."</p><p>"You mean, you're not going to try to stop me?"</p><p>Abdiel shook her head. "I hate my parent's religion's stupid rules too. Once I'm a legal adult, I'm leaving. I want to go live somewhere else in the galaxy, someplace where I can fall in love properly, without having to follow all the stupid rules." With that, she gave Isabella the thumb's up. "I am a believer in true love, and someday, I hope I have someone special in my life just like you do!"</p><p>Isabella stared back for a moment, then smiled and put her thumb up in return. At least there was one person on this planet who wasn't nuts.</p><p>Creeping down the stairs, Isabella carefully jumped over the creaky steps she had been warned about and entered the living room to see, in the dimness, Phineas' form laying on the couch. "Isabella, is that you?" he asked, apparently having heard her come down.</p><p>"Yeah. You can't sleep either?"</p><p>"I took a short nap, but it won't feel like bedtime for us for another few hours, due to space-jetlag."</p><p>That made sense, Isabella thought.</p><p>"This planet kind of bites," Phineas whispered.</p><p>"Yeah. It's been rough."</p><p>"Hopefully we can get those parts we need to fix the spaceship tomorrow. I don't want to spend a single second here longer than I have to." Phineas looked more beat up than usual. While Isabella felt like her mere presence here was an affront to her heritage, Keturah had been especially rough on him.</p><p>"Hey, I just thought of something that will cheer you up!" Isabella said. "Since we're in another part of the galaxy, I bet the constellations here are completely different than the ones on Earth! Want to go see what the stars look like on Keturah?"</p><p>Phineas perked right up. "That sounds like fun!"</p><p>Isabella padded over and took Phineas by the hand, guiding him to the front door. They softly opened it and stepped out into the night, walking out a few paces before turning their gazes upward towards the heavens.</p><p>They gasped in unison.</p><p>"It's amazing!"</p><p>"Spectacular!"</p><p>"There are so many! It's beautiful!"</p><p>To say the sky was filled with millions of stars was an understatement. No skies on Earth could hold a candle to what Isabella saw. There were so many stars, it was actually brighter out than any night with the full moon she'd experienced on Earth. The stars were especially tightly packed in one portion of the sky, creating a sort of glowing ball of light at the center, where the individual stars stopped being separate points of light, but blended together.</p><p>"Messier 15," Phineas whispered in awe. "Gulliver said we were in the Pegasi Formation, didn't he? The Pegasus constellation is where M15 is located―one of the most densely packed globular clusters in the Milky Way! This must be how it looks 'up close.' We're probably within a hundred lightyears or so of the center."</p><p>It was without a doubt one of the most spectacular sights Isabella had ever seen. After spending a few minutes absorbing the view, the only thing that could tear her eyes from this was the boy of her dreams. She leaned in close, soaking in the romantic moment they were sharing. Phineas felt her movement and looked down at her, realizing how closely they were standing. She wrapped her arms around him, tilted her head back, and went in for the magical kiss that she had been waiting all this time for.</p><p>The distance between their lips shrank away to almost nothing.</p><p>
  <em>Slam!</em>
</p><p>"Goodness gracious! What on Keturah are the two of you doing?" Abenoni's voice belted down from an open window on the second floor. "First you do it in my shop, and now you do it in my home?"</p><hr/><p>Before he had the chance to explain himself, Phineas found himself once again in the confessional.</p><p>"Oh lost sheep, confess your sins here beneath the feet of the Spotless One, and He shall forgive you of your unclean deeds."</p><p>Words could not convey his feelings. Phineas covered his face in his hands and began to sob. Unlike the case for the vast multitude of tears that had been shed in this booth, it wasn't his conscience that was getting the better of him.</p><p>In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 4: Bacillus Lovesickus</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Preview</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Phineas, Isabella, you are a godsend! Thanks to you, the Analog will be finished in time for the fair! You will be joining us, of course?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's great, Abenoni, but Isabella and I don't want to keep imposing on your hospitality, so we'll just take the parts we need and be on our way…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But tomorrow is the Feast of Havilah, one of the most important Kandake holidays, celebrating the birth of the Prophet!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're only telling Phineas and me this now? Where's the set-up? A story can't just throw this new information at us so suddenly!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's what this preview is for, I'm setting it up right now!"</em>
</p><p>Next time on Lovetopia: <em>All Is Fair In Love And War!</em></p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Fan's Notes: Galactic Geography</strong>
</p><p><strong>Planet: Keturah, Pegasi Formation<br/></strong> <strong>Period of rotation: 18 hours, 9 minutes<br/></strong> <strong>Distance from star: 60 AU (astronomical units)<br/></strong> <strong>Period of revolution: 504 Earth years</strong></p><p><strong>Keturah was a frozen ball of icy dunes for billions of years before its host star expanded into a red giant, triggering a stage of late global warming. Now capable of supporting life, Kandake refugees colonized its more fertile areas following the Great Pegasi Exodus</strong>―<strong>a planet-wide Zionist relocation program undertaken in response to systemic persecution of the emerging Kandake sect by various nearby systems. Such persecutions culminated in the attempted annihilation of Kandake by the Antares Fascist Trifecta via the artificially induced supernova of Euryptigus' home star.</strong></p><p><strong>Since it's near eradication, the Kandake religion has been safely preserved on Keturah for the past ten million years. Many notable historical events have taken place in that time, thus there are frequent, almost daily, holidays celebrated by the believers, despite the fact that one year on Keturah lasts almost ten Euryptigan lifespans</strong>―<strong>over 233,000 calendric days.</strong></p><p>
  <strong>Estimates place the supernova of Keturah's star some 350 million years from now, so Kandake is expected to flourish on this world for a long time to come.</strong>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. All Is Fair In Love And War</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Beep! Beep! Beep!</em>
</p><p>Captain Jabberwock tapped his communicator, and the hologram projection sprang up from his palm. "Who is this?" he demanded.</p><p>"My my, somebody seems to be all worked up," the message sender replied.</p><p>"Oh. It's you." He was staring at the holographic visage of his employer, the Shipper. "Listen, I don't know what Blockhead has told you, but Andromeda and I are tracking down those kids like we promised. Just hold out a little longer, and you'll soon have your new little pets."</p><p>"Of course. But that isn't what I was calling about," the Shipper calmly said. "In addition to them, I have just learned there is something else almost as valuable somewhere on Keturah. Apparently, a certain Kandake priest is in possession of a unique device capable of purifying―or purging―anything. Even an entire planet."</p><p>Captain Jabberwock groaned. "I always knew those Kandake kooks were crazy, but doesn't that sound a little <em>too </em>crazy, even for them?"</p><p>"I have it on good authority. I still need my precious Phineas and Isabella, but if you can deliver this device to me along with them, I will double your pay―in addition to letting you keep the briefcase."</p><p>The Captain's eyes widened greedily. "Consider it done!"</p><hr/><p>"The Analog, a device that can purify anything, is already finished?" The shopkeeper Abenoni raised his eyebrows.</p><p>"It is," said Phineas. "But why are you describing it that way?"</p><p>"Did I say something strange just now?"</p><p>It was the next morning. Abenoni needed to attend to his shop, so he had left Phineas and Isabella with the Analog before heading off to work. It hadn't even been a couple hours yet, and here Phineas was, back at the shop, bringing him the news.</p><p>"Isabella and I just finished with the upgrades. We also went ahead and miniaturized the technology, making the Analog more portable… Not portable enough to bring it here with me, though."</p><p>"I can't believe how fast that went. Did you really fix it? Our people have been trying to complete the Analog for millennia, so forgive me for seeming a little skeptical."</p><p>"Not at all. Whenever you're ready, go ahead and go take a look. Isabella is still down in the catacomb finishing up the last few tests."</p><p>Abenoni had an eager look in his eyes. "If that's true, today will one day be celebrated as a global holiday! I'd be a fool not to close my shop early and miss the creation of the first philosopher's stone! Give me a minute, and I'll be ready to come see it."</p><p>With that, Abenoni quickly checked out his remaining customers, locked up his shop, and accompanied Phineas towards the cathedral in the city center.</p><p>Not five minutes later, a roughneck pirate wearing a plethora of belts and a beautiful swordswoman with flowing blond hair made their way through the marketplace, questioning passersby, showing them images of the Earthlings they were searching for. Eventually, they were directed to the selfsame shop. Upon finding it closed, they peered through the window, and saw nobody inside.</p><hr/><p>"This is the Analog?" Abenoni asked.</p><p>"It's all set and ready to go!" Isabella, who was wearing a lab coat and goggles, said.</p><p>The Analog was now resting on a tabletop in the middle of the cavern, having been miniaturized to the point where it was now smaller than a really big refrigerator.</p><p>"It looks so different, though," Abenoni remarked. Indeed, Phineas realized that its appearance looked rather like a satellite now. It even had a dish with a ray at the top of the machine, which is where the beam fired from. "Well, as long as it works, it doesn't matter how it looks."</p><p>With that, Abenoni retrieved a rock sample and placed it before the machine. "How do you activate it?"</p><p>"I have the remote right here!" Isabella held the remote out.</p><p>"Thank you." Abenoni accepted the remote. Placing safety goggles over his eyes, he pointed the remote at the Analog and pushed its singular red button.</p><p><em>Pew!</em> A narrow beam of light shot out from the satellite dish and enveloped the rock. The rock softly gleamed in a pure glow of whiteness, then returned to normal.</p><p>Abenoni gasped. "The philosopher's stone!" He snatched a pair of tongs and gently picked up the stone. "It's amazing! It's stupendous!" The excitement showed on his face.</p><p>Carrying the stone to another table where several rows of petri dishes were laid out, he reached out with the tongs and tapped it against the most contaminated dish. "With this, now anything I touch will be purified! Behold, the glory of the philosopher's―huh?"</p><p>Nothing happened.</p><p>"I don't understand," Abenoni said, rapping the stone against the plastic container again and again. "This petri dish should be cleansed of all this bacterial growth! Why isn't anything happening?"</p><p>Phineas stepped forward. "When we looked at the blueprints, we discovered there had been a small mistake. The reason you couldn't get it to work before is because the Analog wasn't supposed to <em>create</em> the philosopher's stone, it <em>is </em>the philosopher's stone!"</p><p>Abenoni stared back blankly. "What?"</p><p>"Watch." Phineas took the same petri dish, placed it in front of the Analog, and stood back. "Now try again."</p><p>Mesmerized, Abenoni pressed the button on the remote once more.</p><p>Just as before, the flash of light zapped the spot where the petri dish was set. After the light faded, they stepped forward to find all the colorful growths and spongy molds it had contained were gone. The dish was clean and transparent, as if it was brand new.</p><p>Abenoni gazed in wonder, then began sniffling and then sobbing as he fell to his knees. "Praise be to the Almighty One!" he croaked, raising his voice and his hands to the heavens, wholly unable to hold back his tears. "The philosopher's stone has finally been restored!"</p><hr/><p>"Phineas, Isabella, you are a godsend! Thanks to you, the Analog has been finished in time for the fair! I can't thank you enough!"</p><p>Phineas put on a smile. "Our pleasure. We are grateful to you for taking care of us."</p><p>"That was nothing compared to what you have done for me. And for all of the Kandake followers!"</p><p>That made Phineas' smile falter. "Heh, uh, yay, Kandake," he uttered with a stunning lack of enthusiasm. "Anyways, Isabella and I don't want to keep imposing on your hospitality, so how soon can we have the parts you agreed to give us?"</p><p>"Well, you've earned them. You can have 'em the day after tomorrow, when I am able to get back to my shop."</p><p>"Eh?"</p><p>"Gah?"</p><p>Phineas and Isabella flinched as if Abenoni had just scratched his nails on a chalkboard.</p><p>"Uh, can't we head back for them sooner? Like, maybe right now, sooner? Isabella and I are eager to leave planet Keturah in our du―I mean, to get back to our home planet."</p><p>"Sorry, kids. I'm afraid that with the Feast of Havilah being tomorrow, the day after is the earliest I can reopen."</p><p>Phineas and Isabella gawked with their mouths agape, their hair standing on end like the ruffled feathers of a bird. Phineas raised his palms, flustered, but was unable to do any more than grunt.</p><p>"Hey, why don't the two of you celebrate the holiday with us?" Abenoni asked, either ignoring or not noticing their looks of disdain.</p><p>Isabella grimaced and waved her arms emphatically. "It's like Phineas said, we couldn't impose on your family like that again! We barely made it through one night together!"</p><p>"What are you talking about? My family loved having you two over. I'm sure they'll be thrilled if you stay for the Feast!"</p><p>"Holidays are supposed to be spent with families, right? We would just be getting in the way."</p><p>"Are you sure? The Feast of Havilah is one of the most celebrated holidays in all of Kandake, honoring the birth of the Prophet. Not many generations are lucky enough to get to live to see it!"</p><p>"Of course we're sure! Surely it won't take long for us to head back to your shop, grab the parts, and be out of your hair, right?"</p><p>Abenoni finally conceded. "No, it won't. All right, let's head back, then."</p><hr/><p>They were making their way through the now familiar streets of the marketplace. Phineas and Isabella were walking along behind Abenoni, letting him lead the way. "Hey Isabella," Phineas leaned over and whispered, "what are we gonna do if we don't find Gulliver before the ship is repaired?"</p><p>She flatly sighed. "I don't know. I guess we'll just have to―" She suddenly stopped in her tracks, grabbing Phineas by the elbow to stop him as well.</p><p>"What's up?" he asked.</p><p>"Abenoni?" Isabella ignored his question. "We changed our mind! Can we stay with your family again for one more day?"</p><p>"Where's that coming from? I thought you wanted to get away from this stinking―" Isabella clamped a hand over Phineas' mouth before he could finish.</p><p>Abenoni turned around, his face lighting up. "Really? Oh, I'm so glad! We can head home after we grab those parts you wanted, capeesh?"</p><p>"Actually, I feel really tired all of a sudden, so why don't we head in early and come back for them later?" Isabella said, while pulling Phineas closer to her.</p><p>"But we're already almost there," Abenoni countered, scratching his head. "We might as well get them since we came all this way."</p><p>"Oh, no, I'm so tired, I need to sit down!" Isabella crouched, pulling Phineas with her.</p><p>"Isabella, you're acting kinda weird," he said. Her eyes darted back and forth as she wore a serious look. Catching her drift, Phineas looked in the direction she indicated: Abenoni's shop. He finally understood.</p><p>Captain Jabberwock and Andromeda were casually leaning against a couple of wooden posts by the entrance, watching the crowd go by. Isabella had crouched down to hide from their view. It looked like they hadn't spotted them yet.</p><p>"Oh snap," he realized. "Oh, yeah, I think Isabella's right, Abenoni. After fixing the Analog, we're both too tired to carry the ship parts back. Let's do it tomorrow."</p><p>"We can't do it tomorrow, tomorrow is the Great Feast!"</p><p>"Then… we'll just have to do it the next day," Isabella said reluctantly. Phineas could tell by the strain in her voice that she hated that idea as much as he did, but they currently had no other choice.</p><hr/><p>It was true that they were starting to feel tired. After not getting much sleep again the previous night, Phineas could really feel the space-jetlag catching up to him. Abenoni's wife Ammiel made them a late lunch, which went by without all the hassle of the night before.</p><p>Phineas and Isabella turned in early, before dinner, as Phineas estimated that it was currently very late at night by Earth time.</p><p>Neither of them woke up until morning.</p><hr/><p>Far, far away, somewhere else in the Milky Way Galaxy, Ferb descended down the ladder that extended out the port of his rocket ship. A tribe of spear-wielding, body-painted, blue skinned aliens watched his progress from the ground.</p><p>As soon as Ferb alighted, he approached the tribe and held up a photograph, which the natives inspected with bemused looks.</p><p>Vanessa chose that moment to stick her head out the hatch and shout, "What do they say, Ferbs? Have they seen Phineas and Isabella?"</p><p>As one, all the aliens bellowed and shook their spears frighteningly, waving their weapons at the unexpected new visitor.</p><p>Five minutes later, Ferb and Vanessa found themselves hogtied to a spit, being rotated over a roaring fire.</p><p>"Don't tell my dad they tried to cook us, or he'll never let me go to space again," Vanessa grunted over her shoulder at her boyfriend. Ferb acknowledged her request with a nod.</p><hr/><p>"So, the Feast of Havilah, huh? What exactly goes on for this 'big holiday?'" Phineas asked.</p><p>It was morning, and everyone in the family was getting ready to begin the festivities.</p><p>"It's like a big carnival," Ammiel, Abenoni's wife, explained while she helped the younger children into their clothes. "Everyone gathers around the Strait of Festus for fun and games. They set up rides, booths, games, and all kinds of things like that."</p><p>"And there's no school!" the older siblings, Abdiel and Abiah, enthusiastically proclaimed.</p><p>Phineas' face lit up. "Cool! I can't believe I'm saying this, but that actually sounds like fun!"</p><p>"And here I was starting to think this planet was just full of wacky religious snobs, but I guess even you guys know how to have a good time!" Isabella whispered behind her hand to the rebellious Abdiel, with whom she had become much better friends after their first night.</p><p>"I wouldn't set my expectations too high if I were you," Abdiel whispered back.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"You'll see."</p><hr/><p>"Stick the scriptures on the Prophet! Simply toss a Book of Kandake! If you hit the Prophet's hands you win a small bottle of hand sanitizer! If you get the book to stay in his hands, you win the grand prize, a full gallon of toilet bowl cleaner! Only two marks for three tries!" A life-sized doll of the founder of Kandake was attached to a platform swaying back and forth a short distance behind the counter, increasing the game's difficulty.</p><p>"Come knock out the teeth of the devil before he can tempt the Prophet! Only two marks gets you three balls! Throw the balls, knock out the devil's teeth, and win a packet of dental floss for every tooth you break!" A wide gameboard depicting a sneering Euryptigan face with dark red eyes was posted on the wall opposite the counter, with detachable teeth inset for ease of knocking out and resetting.</p><p>"Come test the strength of your arms and your faith! Hit the launch pad with the mallet, and send that paper weight flying! If your faith is great enough to ring the bell, you'll win a free box of disposable nitrile gloves! See who has the strongest faith among your family and friends!"</p><p>"They're all Kandake themed," Phineas observed, walking through the crowds with a flat expression. "Why am I not surprised?"</p><p>"And what's with all these boring prizes?" Isabella added. "Wet naps? Lint rollers? Window squeegees? Is cleaning things really all there is to do for fun around here?"</p><p>"You mean aside from the fair, and the Feast later tonight?" Ammiel, Abenoni's wife, rhetorically asked.</p><p>Phineas and Isabella sighed in unison.</p><p>"Somebody needs to teach this planet the real definition of fun," said Isabella offhandedly.</p><p><em>Buh-DING! </em>A light bulb went off in Phineas' head. "That's it! Isabella, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, Abenoni? Can we open a booth for our own carnival game?"</p><p>"Sure! Registrations are held over there. Do you want some help getting set up?"</p><p>"Oh no no no no," Phineas waved off, flexing his fingers with a stretch. "Leave this part to us!"</p><hr/><p>A brief interlude of quirky-worky business ensued. After some hammering and with the help of a few pulleys to raise the main backbone of the structure, Phineas and Isabella's project was ready.</p><p>Abenoni and his family craned their necks skyward to take in all of the monolithic monument. "It's a―very nice cement wall you've got there," Abenoni said, underwhelmed.</p><p>"That's just the canvas," Phineas explained, grinning. "Wait for it..."</p><p>At that moment, an amplified voice energized with electric amounts of excessive excitement and energy rent the air. "HURRY HURRY HURRY! COME ONE, COME ALL, TO THE PHINEAS AND ISABELLA SPECIAL GIANT VANDALIZING AND CLEANING WALL! PAINT IT UP, AND THEN SCRUB IT DOWN USING THESE OMNIDIRECTIONAL GRAPPLING BELTS!"</p><p>The crowds below looked up to see Isabella high above them, effortlessly scaling the wall using the omnidirectional grappling belt around her waist. In one hand she held a megaphone, in the other, a push broom. "WITH THIRTY COLORS OF PAINT TO CHOOSE FROM, YOU CAN MAKE―OR CLEAN―ALL THE BIGGEST, WILDEST MESSES OF YOUR DREAMS! JUST DON'T GET SO EXCITED YOU MAKE A MESS IN YOUR PANTS!"</p><p>With that, she swung like a trapeze and detached herself from the wall, landing on a giant tube of red paint that cushioned her fall and shot a heavy spray from the nozzle which splattered all over the wall.</p><p>A beat.</p><p>Two beats.</p><p>Three.</p><p>As one, everyone in the crowd squealed in delight and rushed over to get in line for Phineas' and Isabella's new attraction. "Did you see that?"</p><p>"So cool!"</p><p>"I want to paint on it!"</p><p>"I want to clean on it!"</p><p>Phineas grinned proudly as he overheard the crowd's reaction.</p><hr/><p>"Did you see that, Andromeda? That was the girl up on that wall! That means her boyfriend is around here somewhere, too!"</p><p>"Yes. I think so, sir," Andromeda told Captain Jabberwock.</p><p>"That just leaves the old man. As soon as we have eyes on all three, that's when we'll make our move!"</p><p>"Very good, sir," nodded Andromeda, resting a hand on the hilt of her sword.</p><hr/><p>"Here is your belt, please enjoy your time!"</p><p>"Here is your broom, please enjoy your time!"</p><p>"Here is your paintbrush, please enjoy your time!"</p><p>Phineas and Isabella could barely keep up with the line. Already, there were over a hundred customers scaling the wall using Phineas' invention, either painting or cleaning the paint.</p><p>"I was right, cleaning stuff really is a popular pastime on this planet," Phineas expressed.</p><p>"Although it seems like painting the wall is the more popular choice," Isabella observed. "I mean, look at Abdiel over there!"</p><p>The rebellious oldest daughter of Abenoni was halfway up the wall cackling like a lunatic, smearing the concrete structure with a can of spray paint in each hand. "This is the first time I have ever felt truly alive! Down with the system, ahahaha!"</p><p>Isabella squinted suspiciously. "I think we're being a bad influence on her."</p><p>Abenoni and Ammiel approached the counter. "Look at you two!" Abenoni greeted. "Your booth is having quite the turnout. This might be the most popular booth of the entire fair!"</p><p>"Thanks!" Phineas and Isabella said.</p><p>"Who knew letting people vandalize a wall would be so popular?" Ammiel puzzled aloud.</p><p>"Are either of you going to take a turn?" Isabella asked.</p><p>"No, we're taking the smaller children over to try some of the other games," Abenoni said. "If you get a break, you might take a look around yourselves! There's always a lot to do at this fair!"</p><p>"Okay, we'll keep that in mind!" Phineas waved as they turned and left.</p><hr/><p>The wall was already covered from top to bottom in graffiti. With the line slowing down, Phineas turned his attention to Isabella. "Well that was fun!" he said, making conversation.</p><p>"Yes. Yes it was," agreed Isabella. "I think that was the most fun I've had since our date started!"</p><p>"Yeah, me too. Speaking of which, aren't we technically still on it?"</p><p>"Well, a date <em>is</em> usually over once the boy takes the girl home, so I think so."</p><p>"It's certainly the longest, weirdest first date I've ever heard of. So far we've been abducted by aliens…"</p><p>"Locked in a cage with a stranger…"</p><p>"Shipwrecked…"</p><p>"You even converted to a new religion!"</p><p>"That was an accident, and you know it!"</p><p>They both laughed. "Yeah, this has pretty much been the weirdest date ever," Isabella summed up.</p><p>Phineas suddenly wore a serious look. "I always thought exploring other planets would be fun, but Keturah is―well..."</p><p>"The pits?" suggested Isabella.</p><p>Phineas grimaced. "Not my first choice for a date setting, is what I was going to say."</p><p>"I won't be giving it a five-star review either, that's for sure. Although, if there was one good thing about this planet, it's that it did introduce me to the pleasure of bidet toilets."</p><p>Phineas sighed. "It's all my fault. Back on the other night, if I hadn't been so eager to build that bowling alley, we would never have been abducted in the first place. Sorry things turned out so―unromantic."</p><p>Isabella held up her hands. "No, don't apologize! I know things didn't turn out how we expected. But what I said that night still holds true! As long as I'm with you, Phineas, I'm always having fun!" She took Phineas' hands and held them in her own. "At least we'll get the parts for the spaceship tomorrow, and then we can get home."</p><p>"We just need to watch out for Captain Jabberwock and Andromeda," cautioned Phineas. "They seemed like they knew we'd been there."</p><p>Isabella brought her hand to her chin. "I wonder if they'll be watching Abenoni's shop tomorrow."</p><p>Phineas and Isabella shared a glance, confirming what the other was thinking.</p><p>"We have to get those parts today!"</p><hr/><p>"Fresh, hot drushilla on a stick! Cooked to an internal temperature of 165° to kill all microbes for your safety!"</p><p>"Clean cut zipzillpah, freshly chopped with only sterilized knives! Come and get your clean cut zipzillpah!"</p><p>"Abenoni did say we should spend some time looking around the fair," Phineas admitted as they walked through the food court together. "Do you think it will be okay if we go inside his shop without permission, though?"</p><p>"If Captain Jabberwock and Andromeda are looking for us, they'll be doing it at the fair, so this might be our only chance to grab the parts without being seen! Besides, he already said we could have them."</p><p>Phineas didn't question it any further. They strolled through the crowded marketplace in the direction of the shop, glancing at the multitude of booths that had taken over the spots normally held by business stands and sellers.</p><p>They turned down the familiar side-street and checked both directions to see if the alien pirates were around. The coast was clear, so they made their way to Abenoni's shop.</p><p>Phineas tried the door. It wouldn't budge.</p><p>"Let me try," Isabella said, extracting a hair pin. She jiggled with the handle for a few moments, then, with a click, the door opened.</p><p>"Fireside Girl Lockpicking Patch," Isabella said smugly.</p><p>"Nice!" Phineas stepped inside, and they wasted no time in grabbing the parts they needed.</p><hr/><p>As they dashed about, quickly throwing everything into a bag, a sudden knock at the door made them both jump.</p><p>Phineas glanced at Isabella, his solemn look communicating what he was thinking. <em>Don't make a peep! It could be them!</em></p><p>Isabella nodded and cautiously ducked out of sight behind a shelf. Once she was hidden, Phineas noiselessly approached the door.</p><p>Whoever it was knocked again, louder this time. Gulping, Phineas stretched out his hand and twisted the handle, slowly opening the door―</p><p>"A thousand greetings, Phineas!"</p><p>"Ahh!" Phineas slammed the door.</p><p>"Who is it?" Isabella whispered frantically. "Was it the pirates?"</p><p>"Worse," Phineas griped back. "It's those two missionaries again!"</p><p>The door was opened from the other side. "That was uncalled for!" Brother Abaddon said, feigning a hurt look. "We just wanted to swing by so we could congratulate you on your baptism!"</p><p>"And also to let you know that we ran into your friends," Brother Syntyche added. "The big blue one, and the lady with the sword. I'm afraid we didn't catch their names."</p><p>"You ran into―wait a second!" Phineas switched lanes mid-sentence. "For the record, my baptism was an accident!"</p><p>As if he didn't hear, Brother Abaddon turned his attention to Isabella. "And what about you, my dear? Given any second thoughts to converting?"</p><p>"I refuse," Isabella stated flatly.</p><p>"Ow! She didn't even hesitate!" Brother Abaddon reacted, dramatically clutching his heart. "Oh my wretched soul; it harroweth mine heart to see someone reject salvation when it is so freely offered to them!"</p><p>"Hold on, I think we almost skipped something really important!" Phineas blurted. "Did you say it was you two that told those space pirates where Isabella and I were?"</p><p>"Phineas my boy..." Brother Abaddon turned away from Isabella. "At least I can take comfort in knowing that I was an instrument in saving one soul." He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye.</p><p>"You're still trying to skip over that important detail!" pointed out Isabella.</p><p>"But what could be more important than your eternal salvation?"</p><p>"Oh, I don't know―maybe my <em>temporal</em> salvation, which is what's at stake if they find Phineas and me!"</p><p>
  <em>STOMP!</em>
</p><p>Captain Jabberwock landed in a cool pose behind the missionaries, blocking the doorway. Rising to his feet, he said, "You Kandake pests really are a headache, warning my prey like that."</p><p>"Well if it isn't the idolatrous fellow from the desert!" Brother Abaddon turned to approach the Captain with open arms. "Have you decided to be baptized after all?"</p><p>"I know how to deal with the likes of you," Captain Jabberwock said as he lazily picked his nose. In a flash, he ripped Brother Abaddon's facemask off, pulled him close, and expelled a putrid belch in his face.</p><p>Brother Abaddon instantly lost all composure. "Ah! I've been defiled! The virus of the unbeliever may be infecting me! Ahhhhh!" He ran down the road, screaming, all the while resisting the urge to touch his face.</p><p>"You're next!" Captain Jabberwock flicked a booger at Brother Syntyche before ripping his facemask off in the same way, then placing the palm of his hand over the Euryptigan's mouth. "I just went to the bathroom, and I didn't wash my hands!" he declared. "Feel how dirty they are!"</p><p>"Ewwwww!" Brother Syntyche ran off screaming in the same direction as his companion.</p><p>Chortling to himself, Captain Jabberwock turned his attention to the shop. "Now then, it's just you and me―huh?"</p><p>He suddenly realized that his prey had vanished.</p><hr/><p>"Head for the back door!" Phineas whispered, nudging Isabella deeper into the shop.</p><p>They ran through the aisles with their bag of parts in tow. "There it is!" Isabella made it there first and yanked the door open.</p><p>"Going somewhere?"</p><p>"Yikes!" Isabella almost fell flat on her back, if it wasn't for Phineas being there to catch her.</p><p>Andromeda towered over them from the doorframe, showing about as much emotion as Ferb usually did. Phineas and Isabella simultaneously gulped.</p><p>Footsteps lumbered up behind them. "You thought we would let you escape again that easily?" Captain Jabberwock chuckled as he strode into view. "Not on the watch of Captain Wyler Jabber―!"</p><p>At that moment, one of Captain Jabberwock's belts snagged on a protruding nail in one of the shelves, ripping it off the wall. The shelf fell crashing down, catching the many other belts looping around his torso along the way to the ground, pantsing the pirate.</p><p>"Drat! Not again!" shrieked the Captain, reaching down to cover his exposed boxer briefs with his hands. "I was even wearing six belts that time!"</p><p>Andromeda shielded her eyes and averted her gaze. "Must you insist on being so indecent every mission?" she scolded.</p><p>"It's not my fault! It's that blasted witch's curse! How many times do I have to tell you?!"</p><p>"Pff. Pervert," she snorted back.</p><p>"Stop calling me that! I'm not a―whoa!" With his pants around his ankles, Captain Jabberwock hobbled for a few steps before tripping into the shelf a row over, causing it to lean and tilt, threatening to dump its load of merchandise on him: a huge machine with a certain green ray attached to the top.</p><p>"Captain!" Andromeda dove into action, zipping across the room and catching the De-Love-Inator satellite easily with her Amazonian strength before it crushed Captain Jabberwock.</p><p>"Go!" Phineas shouted, seizing the chance for Isabella and him to dash out the door.</p><p>Captain Jabberwock pulled his pants back up as he stumbled to his feet. "After them!"</p><p>Andromeda set the satellite aside and tore off into the alley ahead of the Captain, who was still rebuckling all six of his belts.</p><hr/><p>"Keep going!" Phineas shouted over his shoulder toward Isabella. "They're still following us!"</p><p>The swordswoman Andromeda had managed to scale the rooftops to their left, easily keeping pace with them as she ninja-ran with her arms behind her, leaping from building to building. Captain Jabberwock was awkwardly chasing them from behind, one hand still clutching onto his trousers to keep them from falling.</p><p>"Move toward the crowd!" Isabella directed.</p><p>Phineas did so, taking a turn that would lead them back to the main road. They ran for their lives through the alleyways, not even bothering to spend the energy to look over their shoulders to check whether their pursuers were gaining on them.</p><p>"Almost there!" Phineas said, gasping for air, and finally he and Isabella broke into the street hosting the festival. They surrounded themselves with passersby before learning over on their knees to catch their breath.</p><p>"Did we… lose them?" Isabella panted.</p><p>Phineas checked his surroundings. Andromeda was standing on a nearby rooftop, scanning the sea of carnival-goers. "Not for long. Here, let me see the bag."</p><p>Isabella handed over the burlap bag she had been carrying, where they had stowed the ship's parts. Phineas rustled through the sack, taking out bits and pieces and resembling them. "This might be able to buy us a little time," he mumbled while twisting a cap off of something, inserting a corkscrew into something else, rewiring a canister here and attaching it to a metal case there.</p><p>"What are you making?" Isabella indicated toward the hodgepodge of parts Phineas had assembled on the fly. It was about the size and shape of a toilet plunger, with a trigger mechanism attached to a handle on the side opposite the barrel.</p><p>"I'm hoping it will turn any surface it hits frictionless; you know, like in physics problems. It might give us a chance to escape."</p><p>As soon as his work was finished, he returned the bag of remaining parts to Isabella, who slung it over her shoulder. Phineas took up his makeshift device with one hand and, using his other to grasp Isabella's, he led the way through the crowd.</p><hr/><p>Despite Captain Jabberwock's large stature, the Euryptigans in the crowd were too tall to see such short humans over. He looked up to catch Andromeda's eye, and made some hand motions to tell her to scout ahead and find the brats. She nodded and sprang to another rooftop across the street.</p><p>He ducked behind a couple of crates that sat behind a booth to finish reattaching his belts. It took some adjustments, but he eventually felt confident enough to at least walk normally without his pants falling again.</p><p>He began zigzagging his way through the crowd, making his way down the street. The Earthlings couldn't have gone far in such a densely packed space.</p><p>Once he had the kids, he could track down the machine the Shipper had requested without any more diversions, as well as that meddling scientist. That was all he needed to do, and the talisman that could remove the Witch of Salmoo IV's curse, which the Shipper had in her possession, would finally be his.</p><p>No longer would everything go wrong that could when it came to publicly pantsing himself at the worst possible moment.</p><p>He stopped when he saw a commotion not far ahead of him. There was a huge wall that had been painted and graffitied over, looking extremely out of place in this normally spotlessly clean city. Many carnivalers were zipping up and down the wall on some sort of safety line, some adding to the paint, others scrubbing it off with brushes. The crowd was really getting into a frenzy over it, as many of the younger generation were becoming increasingly enthusiastic about graffitiing more and more.</p><p>All of a sudden, somebody on the ground was doused in paint. Somebody overhead must have accidentally tipped a bucket over. Everyone stopped what they were doing. Looked around. Dead silence.</p><p>One particular youngster, a troublemaker from the looks of her, had a grin spread suddenly across her face. "Paint fight!" she yelled, zipping around and kicking more paint buckets over, sloshing colors everywhere.</p><p>Just like that, all of the Kandake youth who were still below the age requirement to wear facemasks broke into a wild brawl, slinging paint everywhere, all over themselves and everything on the streets underneath.</p><hr/><p>"A paint fight?" Phineas perked up and glanced across the way. "Now why didn't we think of that? That sounds <em>awesome</em>!"</p><p>"Not the time, Phineas!" Isabella tugged, getting the inventor to focus.</p><p>"Right! Although, powdered chalk would be safer…" He dropped it when she yanked his arm again.</p><p>They pressed forward, anxiously checking in all directions for any sign of the space pirates.</p><p>"All right, Gulliver, where are you?" Isabella spoke softly to herself.</p><p>"We should try looking for SAM at the front entrance to the city," suggested Phineas. "Gulliver might be there with him. Or, maybe SAM will know how to find him."</p><p>"Good idea."</p><p>At that moment, loud sirens began wailing, reminding Phineas of the tornado warning system back on Earth. "What is happening now?" he wondered aloud.</p><p>"Maybe it's something to do with the fair?"</p><p>The loudspeakers that were broadcasting the siren began to chant, "Warning! Warning! City in danger! City in danger!"</p><p>"City in danger?!" Phineas and Isabella shared a concerned look.</p><p>The loudspeakers continued. "You are making a mess. Please disperse." As they heard that, a force of blue-uniformed workers driving hand-pulled carts could be seen making its way toward the paint fight taking place at the wall.</p><p>Phineas' and Isabella's mouths had become flat lines. "Some kids playing with paint―"</p><p>"―Is considered an emergency?" They shook their heads in a disappointed fashion.</p><p>Such was the planet of clean freaks.</p><p>A shadow flashing over their heads broke them out of their trance. They looked up and saw Andromeda lightly prancing on the heads of folks in the crowd, covering an unnerving amount of ground in her search. She hadn't spotted them yet, but she was getting closer.</p><p>Phineas lifted the hand holding the makeshift device, taking aim, but Isabella grabbed his elbow to get his attention. "Let's hide in these!" She pointed at a couple of wicker baskets large enough to crouch inside, located in the shade of a nearby food stall. They quickly dove inside separate baskets, only lifting the lids a few inches to peek out once safely hidden inside.</p><p>Andromeda was now standing a few yards away with her back toward them. Her nose was pointing slightly upward, giving Phineas the impression she was sniffing for something. <em>Could she smell them?</em></p><p>He ducked back down to cover his exposed eyes and pointy nose.</p><p>A few seconds passed. Phineas took slow, deep breaths, willing his rapidly beating heart to slow down.</p><p>"Oof!"</p><p>A great force knocked his basket over, spewing Phineas out into the street. Before he knew what had happened, he was being dangled upside down by one of his ankles.</p><p>Andromeda then kicked over the other wicker basket, giving Isabella the same treatment―effortlessly holding both of them at arm's length by their ankles, just high enough for their fingers to scrape the ground.</p><p>Phineas brought the business end of his invention up to bear on his captor―only to have it kicked out of his hands, disarming him just as effortlessly.</p><p>"Oh no!" Phineas tried to stretch his hands after the device, but it was quite out of his reach. He turned his eyes back to Andromeda…</p><p>―Then uncomfortably looked pointedly away, his face turning red.</p><p>Andromeda was not oblivious to that action. "Did you see?" she asked urgently.</p><p>Phineas, still looking the other way, only turned redder. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "It's the angle you're holding me by… I couldn't stop myself..."</p><p>Indeed, he had seen up her skirt. Andromeda displayed the first hint of emotion either of them had seen from her, baring her teeth a little at the corner of her mouth while her face tinged just a shade red with embarrassment and anger. "Pervert," she accused.</p><p>"I'm sorry! It was an accident! I didn't mean to, right Isabella? Huh?" Glancing at Isabella, she was crossing her arms and puffing her cheeks disapprovingly. "Not you too! Won't someone believe me?"</p><p>"Take it from me, kid, the ladies can be pretty fickle folk." Captain Jabberwock announced his presence, twirling some handcuffs around his fingers. "It's sometimes best to just ignore―"</p><p>
  <em>SPLAT!</em>
</p><p>Ignorant of the surrounding environment, a wave of red paint seemingly from nowhere splattered all over Captain Jabberwock, drenching him. "What the―?!"</p><p>"Ha ha hahaha!" A group of kids ran past, splashing paint everywhere as they went, with the blue-uniformed damage control officers in hot pursuit. Phineas thought he heard a familiar voice taunting, "You'll never catch me alive, coppers!"</p><p>To his side, Phineas thought he heard Isabella mutter, "Definitely been a bad influence on her."</p><p>One of the officers tripped on an empty paint bucket, sending themselves careening into a blow-up jumphouse. That impact caused the air blower to dislodge and spin around in place until it was facing Captain Jabberwock, now blowing its strong gale directly at him.</p><p>Naturally, all his clothes flew right off, down to his underwear. At least most of the paint was blown off his body as well. It's job finished, the air blower cartoonishly blew itself away under its own power.</p><p>The remarkably toned and muscular blue body contorted to hide itself from the countless eyes surrounding them far too late. Captain Jabberwock's beefy arms did little to hide his nakedness from the concourses. "No, not again…" he whimpered, appearing to be on the verge of tears.</p><p>"Woooo!" The crowd catcalled and whistled.</p><p>"Mommy, that man is in his underpants!"</p><p>"Look away, dear. He's a pervert."</p><p>Turning to his first mate, he desperately pleaded, "Andromeda, save me!"</p><p>"I can't without dropping the bounty, sir!" she responded, waving Phineas and Isabella around to show him for good measure. "You're the one who used to be a body-builder, shouldn't you be used to standing in front of people in naught but a speedo?" she added bitingly, demonstrating her rare snarky side.</p><p>"This and that are two completely different things!"</p><p>Andromeda sighed. "Very well, I will do what I must." With that, she looked at the two teens she was still carrying by the ankles, calculating something in her mind.</p><p>"Woah!" Phineas suddenly felt himself get launched hundreds of feet straight up in the air, thrown by her superhuman strength. Isabella was soaring through the clouds next to him, looking as wide eyed and scared as he was.</p><p>Her hands free, Andromeda quickly picked up Captain Jabberwock and placed him on her shoulders. "Wait, Andromeda, what are you doing? Hold on, whoaaaaaa!"</p><p>With a huff, she pitched her captain like a baseball, or perhaps more like a human cannonball, sending him skyrocketing into another part of the city.</p><p>Cracking her neck to her right and to her left, she casually paced back to where she stood a moment ago, waited for Phineas' and Isabella's screams to get closer, then reached out and cleanly caught them by the ankles before they impacted.</p><p>"Ahh!"</p><p>"Oof!" The teenagers needed a second or so to take stock of what just happened. Isabella's hair was wispy and her eyes bloodshot. Phineas, on the other hand―</p><p>Was pumping his arms, shouting, "Again! Again!"</p><hr/><p>"Father Japheth," Abenoni bowed politely. "The Analog is prepped and ready for the main event."</p><p>"Praise be to God," Father Japheth declared. "To cleanse the city on the day of the Feast of Havilah, it must be fate. Oh? What is it?"</p><p>His communicator had just buzzed. The High Priest clicked it on. "Speak."</p><p>"Your Excellency, it's a disaster! Paint everywhere! People! Places! Things! What are we going to do?"</p><p>Father Japheth smiled. "Fret not, for the Almighty has foreseen the arrival of our time of need and provided salvation, for the Analog is finally ready!"</p><p>"Truly, your Excellency?"</p><p>"Yea, verily."</p><p>"Magnificent! We shall await for the Great Pillar of Light to lead us."</p><p>Father Japheth nodded to Abenoni, one of his former pupils, and an emeritus priest. "You may begin. Use the Analog. Purify the walls of the city as well as all our people's hearts."</p><p>"It shall be done," Abenoni said.</p><hr/><p>The cross resting at the apex of the cathedral popped open at a hinge like a lid, and a mechanical arm extended from the roof of the building, ascending into the heavens. Abenoni sat in a compartment at the controls, riding in the "palm" of the mechanical arm, directing the purification device attached to it known as the Analog where he wished using a joystick.</p><p>"At last, after all these millennia, the prophesied coming of the philosopher's stone, the most holy purification relic in all Kandake, is finally here!" he shouted to the heavens in euphoria. "Our salvation is at hand―huh?"</p><p>"Aaaaaahhhhhh!"</p><p>At that moment, a blue-skinned man in nothing but his underwear came falling out of the sky, landing with a thud on the wrist of the metal arm.</p><p>"Who are you?" asked Abenoni, astonished.</p><p>Captain Jabberwock grunted as he lifted his face from the contraption. "I'm definitely not the infamous space pirate known throughout the galaxy for inexplicably losing his clothes at the worst possible moment! Nope, that's definitely not me! I'm not wanted by the Galactic Hub's civil authorities!"</p><p>"Well, can you please get off? I'm trying to―"</p><p>"Did you say this was a purification device?" Captain Jabberwock flippantly intruded.</p><p>"Yes. Yes I did, and it's very important to our religion, so please get off, you infidel!"</p><p>"Are you a priest?"</p><p>"Well, technically, I'm emeritus."</p><p>"Ooh!" Captain Jabberwock took one look at the Analog and gasped. "It's the same machine that almost fell on me earlier!" he realized. "This must be what the Shipper wants!"</p><p>Indeed, the Analog coincidentally had a very similar appearance to the De-Love-Inator.</p><p>His mind made up, Captain Jabberwock started climbing the mechanical arm extension, shimmying his way towards the Analog.</p><p>"What are you doing?" shouted Abenoni. "Hey, get away from there! Hey, shoo!"</p><p>From his position inserted at the controls, Abenoni jiggled the joystick around, and the extending arm flailed accordingly, whipping the space pirate around.</p><p>"Whoa! Whoa!" He held on, managing to climb within reach of the Analog. Wrapping his bare legs around the arm of the machine to brace, he exerted his considerable strength and tore the Analog clean of its metal platform.</p><p>"No! Stop! Don't do that!" Abenoni helplessly shrieked.</p><p>"I'll be taking this," spoke the Captain. "Always remember! Today is the day you almost caught Captain Ja―!"</p><p>His grip slipped, and Captain Jabberwock was flung away by the still flailing machine with the Analog clutched tightly in his arms.</p><p>"No! Bring that back this instant!" Abenoni actually pulled down his facemask to yell, so desperate was this new predicament.</p><hr/><p>After all that had just happened, many eyes were still watching Andromeda carry Phineas and Isabella by their ankles like they were some crusty used towels. After her tremendous displays of strength, the crowd parted to let her pass without hesitation.</p><p>Phineas was content to watch the proceedings without resistance, but Isabella was fitfully squirming and struggling to get loose. "Let us go!" She tried kicking out at her captor, but Andromeda would easily dodge or, when she continued, pivoted Phineas' body in the way, forcing Isabella to give up that route. Switching tactics, she tried kicking the arm holding her upside down, but her blows glanced off the pirate warrior's armored bracelets, having no effect. Neither did trying to pry her fingers off by the soles of her shoes. Eventually, Isabella tired and gave up resisting, too.</p><hr/><p>Captain Jabberwock fell through the ceiling with a crash. He groaned and rolled over, checking to make sure the Shipper's device was okay.</p><p>Yep, both of the machines seemed to be completely fine.</p><p>Wait―<em>both of them?</em></p><p>He sat up and scratched his head.</p><p>There were two almost identical machines sitting side-by-side. The only differences were the rays sitting at the top; one was green, while the other's color was blue.</p><p>He looked around and realized he had fallen into the same shop the kids kept coming back to. The spaceship parts store. In the same spot he had almost nabbed them earlier.</p><p>Now the Shipper's requested device was laying beside the one that had nearly fallen on him. But which machine was the right one?</p><hr/><p>Andromeda carried Phineas and Isabella back inside Abenoni's shop, where they found Captain Jabberwock waiting for them.</p><p>The Captain's concentration broke as he looked up. "Good job," he said, eyeing the teenagers. "You captured the brats, I found the device the Shipper wanted, now all that's missing is that skulking Graturnian."</p><p>"I still have not been able to sense his presence. He must have figured out how I caught him last time," Andromeda said. "We could just forget about him."</p><p>Captain Jabberwock shook his head at the suggestion while clenching his fist. "As annoying as the Kandake zealots are, they won't cause that pesky scientist nearly enough suffering!"</p><p>Andromeda nodded. "I'll take these two aboard first, then continue the hunt for the Graturnian."</p><p>It was at this moment that Phineas raised his hand―which in actuality resulted in lowering it, due to his being upside down. "Can I say something here? Look, I know you want to sell us to this 'Shipper' person, but maybe we can come to some kind of agreement? What if Isabella and I fixed your ship? Would you let us go?"</p><p>"Oh, you mean my ship that you crashed into this bothersome planet of religious nutjobs after letting my former business rival blow its hull up with his lasers? That ship?"</p><p>Phineas hesitated, but only for a moment. "Uh, yep! The very same."</p><p>"What kind of an idiot are you? Why didn't you block the laser with my ship's shields?! That's space warfare 101!"</p><p>Phineas broke out a single bead of sweat behind his sheepish smile. "Well, even I can't be expected to know how to fly a new spaceship on my first try!"</p><p>"But Phineas and I can fix it, don't you want that?" Isabella said, steering the conversation back on track.</p><p>"You bozos, we already fixed the ship! She's waiting for us on the outskirts of town! With just the push of this button, she'll come whizzing over to pick… us… up…"</p><p>Captain Jabberwock made a motion like he was reaching into his pocket, which of course wasn't there, due to his missing pants. He grimaced and looked at Andromeda, who returned it with an unimpressed look of her own. "Heh, look, Andromeda, my key fob was in my pants pocket… which I lost… Who would've guessed?"</p><p>Meanwhile, Phineas was grossly disillusioned by this new information as well. "The ship was already fixed? So we came to this city―I got baptized―causing me all this stress―for <em>nothing</em>?" He clutched at the locks of hair at his temples.</p><p>"There there, it's okay, Phineas," Isabella said, reaching over to pat his back.</p><p>"Attention, infidels, heathens, and Phineas!" a voice amplified by speakers interupted from overhead, causing them all to look up and out through Captain Jabberwock's body-shaped hole in the ceiling. Abenoni sat at the controls of the extendable metal arm, which had reached all the way over from the roof of the cathedral. "Return the Analog at once, or I'll―wait, is that <em>my </em>shop?"</p><p>"Hi, Abenoni!" Phineas greeted with a wave.</p><p>"It is my shop! Oh, look what you did to my ceiling! Gah! Father, they're in my shop! … It is a problem, because now I can't threaten to smash them! …Why is that a problem, you say? Because it's my shop! They aren't going to buy it if I threaten to smash my own business! ...I know we can't afford to destroy the Analog, but they don't know it's an empty threat! Well, they do now…"</p><p>They listened to him carry out his half of a conversation on his communicator, with varying degrees of eye rolling.</p><p>"Andromeda, take care of that. I'll babysit the twerps." Captain Jabberwock grabbed Phineas and Isabella by their collars.</p><p>"Right away, Captain!" With that, Andromeda leapt into the air, creating another hole in the ceiling in the process, and with a single slash of her sword, she split the mechanical arm in two.</p><p>Abenoni came crashing down in his control chair, groaning in a heap on the ground just outside the shop.</p><p>Andromeda gracefully landed on the canvas roof of the structure, and sheathed her sword with her head bowed. Her every movement was the definition of grace and athleticism―up until the moment when the cloth gave way beneath her weight, and she slipped through a third hole to fall back into the shop.</p><p>Phineas reacted the fastest, jumping under her with his arms outstretched. "Gotcha―oof!" He caught her in his arms honeymoon style, supporting her across her back and behind her knees.</p><p>Andromeda raised her eyes with a surprised look. "You―saved me?" Her face was incredibly close to his, her arms instinctively wrapped around his shoulders for extra security.</p><p>Isabella thought she saw the swordswoman blush slightly. She began to grind her teeth and shake in a silent rage.</p><p>"Of course I―grr!" Phineas groaned under the strain. His arms and knees were shaking as he tried to keep her held up. "You know, you're a lot heavier than you look!"</p><p>"Gah!"</p><p>"Gah!"</p><p>"Gah!"</p><p>Everyone in the room except for Phineas gasped.</p><p>The redness in Andromeda's cheeks left immediately. She untangled her arms from about Phineas' neck and hopped to the ground. However, she still had a bashful look about her―her rounded shoulders were slouching for the first time since they'd met, and she seemed to be meekly looking over herself, cupping one elbow in her hand in an unusually feminine pose for her.</p><p>"You know, you really shouldn't tell a girl she's heavy," she shyly whispered. "You should have said it was my armor that was heavy."</p><p>"Gah!" Too little too late, Phineas realized the grave sin he had just committed. "I'm sorry! You're not fat! I didn't mean that at all! In fact, I think you're actually really pretty!"</p><p>He sensed a powerful, animalistic, murderous intent coming from across the room, and looked to see Isabella glaring daggers at him.</p><p>"Wait! I wasn't implying that I liked you, or anything―you're definitely not my type!" He thrust out both arms, trying to explain himself, but now Andromeda looked angrier. "Eep! That isn't to say you're not <em>not</em> my type, it's just―" Now Isabella was removing her shoes to give her something to throw at him― "Please, everyone, stop misunderstanding what I'm saying!"</p><p><em>Whack! </em>The first shoe connected in the center of his face, knocking him over.</p><p>Andromeda discovered a mirror on the far side of the shop and placidly paced toward it, twisting and turning to inspect her body from a variety of angles. "I suppose I did eat quite a bit of drushilla on a stick earlier," she hummed morosely.</p><p>"Hey, Andie, are you okay?" Captain Jabberwock gently asked in a very concerned tone. Even he had never seen her acting like this before.</p><p>She didn't seem to even hear him as she turned around to inspect the curvature of her rear end more closely. Phineas peeked up from where he lay on the floor, his nose bleeding slightly as he watched the beauty angle her body ever so seductively―</p><p>―And was promptly met with another shoe to the face.</p><p>Just then, there was a sudden crash above, breaking the mood. Captain Jabberwock's ship broke through the rest of the ceiling, demolishing what was left. The bright lights of the ship's tractor beam ignited, pulling Phineas, Isabella, and one of the satellite-shaped machines up in its iridescence. No sooner than it had, and the ship blasted off into the sky.</p><p>The Captain and Andromeda glanced at each other, back at the ceiling, then at the remaining metallic box. It had a green-tinged ray at the top.</p><hr/><p>Phineas and Isabella rubbed the sides of their heads to dull the achy pain of being beamed by a spaceship before looking up.</p><p>Gulliver stood proudly over them, hands on his hips. "You are welcome, for I, Gulliver, have rescued you! My research tells me that a dashing escape like that should set the proper atmosphere, so you may begin to show your gratitude by giving me another demonstration of one of your 'Earth kisses.' For research purposes, of course."</p><p>In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 5: All Is Fair In Love And War</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Preview</em>
</p><p><em>"I don't feel like kissing anyone right now, especially not </em>this <em>lecher!"</em></p><p>
  <em>"Isabella, are you mad at me right now?"</em>
</p><p><em>"</em>No! <em>What makes you say that?"</em></p><p>
  <em>"...Because you sound mad?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What happened to you two? I leave you alone for five minutes to find the ship, and suddenly you're showing your first signs of romantic incompatibility all trip!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Five minutes!? Phineas and I haven't seen you in two days!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well you see, I was never very far off, I was merely observing you from a distance, like I said I would!"</em>
</p><p><em>"You</em>―<em>what?"</em></p><p>
  <em>"I wanted to observe more of your species' 'kissing habits,' so I kept my distance to give you some privacy. I am, after all, very rehearsed at observing interplanetary fauna without being noticed."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Stalker!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Creeper!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Pervert!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hey! Don't treat me like this right after rescuing you! Especially when after two full days of privacy, you never fully demonstrated the kissing behavior of humans! It seems only fair as a proper trade! Wait, why are you both taking your shoes off like that? Ahhhhhh!"</em>
</p><p>Next time on Lovetopia: <em>The Inverse-Square Law Of Attraction!</em></p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Fan's Notes: Character Bios</strong>
</p><p>"<strong>The Shipper" (Alias)<br/></strong><strong>Homewold: ? ? ?<br/></strong><strong>Species: ? ? ? (Female)<br/></strong><strong>Ht: 5'6"/1.68 m. Wt: 120 lbs./54.4 kg. Age: ? Eye color: Black<br/></strong><strong>Appearance: Humanlike, as if a teenage girl. Has baggy eyes and flat black hair she keeps combed down to cover the right half of her face. Wears a ratty, loose gray sweatshirt and black skinny jeans.<br/></strong><strong>The Shipper hired the infamous space pirate, Captain Wyler Jabberwock, to abduct Phineas and Isabella on Earth. Just who is this mysterious figure, and what does she want? Muhahahahaha!</strong></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Inverse-Square Law Of Attraction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"It's true, Father. When they left Keturah, Phineas and the heathen girl took the Analog with them. It was my fault for allowing them to steal it." Abenoni gave his confession to the dark shadows on the other side of the curtain. "As punishment for my sin, the Lord has destroyed my shop."</p><p>There, Father Japheth held up a palm, extending mercy. "All is according to the Majestic One's will, even this. Abenoni my child, you are forgiven. However, for his unpardonable sin, I hereby excommunicate Phineas Flynn from the body of Kandake. He is now to be named a sinner and a betrayer in the books of heaven. I will send out our elect to search the four quadrants of the galaxy to find and recover the Analog. We will leave it up to the Holy Being to decree, in His everlastingly righteous judgment, whether our Iscariot be punished in this life or in the life to come."</p><p>Abenoni bowed and crossed himself.</p><hr/><p>Gulliver stood proudly over Phineas and Isabella, hands on his hips. "My research tells me that a dashing escape like that should set the proper atmosphere, so you may begin to show your gratitude by giving me another demonstration of one of your 'Earth kisses.' For research purposes, of course."</p><p>Isabella got to her feet. "No thanks! I don't feel like kissing anyone right now, especially not <em>this</em> lecher!" She jutted her thumb over her shoulder.</p><p>Phineas jumped up as well. "Isabella, are you mad at me right now?"</p><p>"<em>No</em>, what makes you say that?"</p><p>"...Because you sound mad?"</p><p>"And why would I be mad?" she said haughtily, crossing her arms and facing away from him.</p><p>"Come on, you know I'm not interested in that alien girl like that!" he tried to explain, but received the cold shoulder.</p><p>"I don't understand? What happened to you?" Gulliver interjected. "I leave you alone for five minutes to go steal Captain Jabberwock's ship back after he told us where it was, and suddenly you're showing your first signs of romantic incompatibility all trip!"</p><p>"Five minutes?!" Isabella assailed. "Phineas and I haven't seen you for the past two days!"</p><p>"Well you see, I was never very far off, I was merely observing you from a distance like I said I would."</p><p>"You―what?"</p><p>"I wanted to observe more of your species 'kissing habits,' so I kept my distance to give you some privacy. I am, after all, very rehearsed at observing interplanetary fauna without being noticed."</p><p>Phineas and Isabella eyed the alien scientist suspiciously.</p><p>"Stalker!" Isabella burst out, shrinking away with a look like something foul was being held directly beneath her nose. "Creeper! Pervert!"</p><p>"Gah!" Gulliver upstarted. "Don't treat me like this right after rescuing you! Especially when after two full days of privacy, you never fully demonstrated the kissing behavior of humans! It seems only fair as a proper trade!"</p><p>"Hey, what's this?" Phineas suddenly asked as he poked about the bridge. "Did you accidentally drag the Analog along too when you beamed us up, Gulliver?"</p><p>"It's for the best, I assure you," declared Gulliver. "The High Priest of Keturah, the Supreme B'Moppah, planned to use that device to vaporize every trace of microscopic life from that planet."</p><p>Phineas and Isabella turned pale. "You mean all that talk about 'salvation' was just about sanitizing the entire planet's surface―literally?"</p><p>"I'm afraid so. Such is how the Kandake scriptorians interpret their eschatological texts―by using the 'philosopher's stone' to eradicate all microbial life. And since all macroscopic life depends on microscopic life to survive…"</p><p>Isabella facepalmed. "Boy, am I sure glad we don't have to deal with those crackpots ever again."</p><hr/><p>Captain Jabberwock was holding his communicator in his palm. "Luckily, we won't have to deal with those crackpots ever again. The bad news is the brats managed to escape once more. Good news is Andromeda and I were at least able to secure the device you asked for." He glanced at his first mate. In reality, they weren't sure if the machine that was left behind was the Analog or the piece of junk sitting in that shop.</p><p>"Let me see it!" the Shipper requested.</p><p>Holding his breath, Captain Jabberwock held up his display to the satellite. The Shipper looked closer at the image, then clapped her hands in joy. "Wonderful! That's exactly the one I wanted!"</p><p>The Captain hid his sigh of relief. If it turned out they did in fact have the wrong machine, at least they had bought some time. "Do you want us to bring it to you now? Or…"</p><p>"No no no. I'll send Blockhead to pick it up for me. You two keep on the trail of my darlings. I'll need a little while to prepare after my shipment arrives, after all, so you still have time to deliver Phineas and Isabella to me."</p><p>"Understood. We'll definitely get them this time!"</p><hr/><p>Isabella had wandered off to be alone for a while, and eventually found herself looking out a glass window at the galactic vista of stars and nebulae. The beautiful view of outer space before her should have taken her mind off things, but―</p><p><em>Phineas, that idiot! How did he </em>think <em>I was going to feel when he went out of his way to catch that space pirate like that, and flirt with her too! Just because she's a little bit pretty, and super strong, and a swashbuckling pirate through and through... Ugh! That idiot!</em></p><p><em>And Gulliver, too! He just thinks it's okay to secretly watch us like some stalker, waiting to catch us kissing? I'm surrounded by such</em>―<em>boys! Such childish boys! Why couldn't there be some girls around here? Sigh… I miss my Troop.</em></p><p>A flashing red light and accompanying warning buzzer suddenly filled the upper and lower decks, interrupting her thoughts. "Great, now what?" she postulated aloud while taking a ladder to the bridge.</p><p>"What's going on?" she asked, finding Phineas and Gulliver already up top.</p><p>"The engine reactor seems to be overheating," Phineas said, reading some gauges. "Must be a coolant leak. I can fix it, but we'll probably have to drift for a while and allow the sealant to set before we can continue. How's it looking from up there, Gulliver?"</p><p>"I just pulled us out of hyperspace, so go do what you've gotta do, my boy!" returned the scientist, who stood at the wheel.</p><p>"Isabella, can you man the radio and guide me to the leak?"</p><p>"Oh, look who decided I'm important again…"</p><p>"Sorry, did you say something, Isabella?"</p><p>"Yes, I'll 'man' the radio."</p><hr/><p>"Captain, the ship's warp signature just went dark in Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha!" Andromeda reported from her station.</p><p>"The brats jumped out of hyperspace early?" Captain Jabberwock asked. "That's strange, they were on course for heading back to Earth. Do you know why they pulled out?"</p><p>"It's impossible to tell, sir."</p><p>"Well, it's like my old man always used to say, never look a gift cresslehorg in the oral cavity. We should have no problem catching up to them now, even if we did have to buy a rental ship…"</p><hr/><p>"Take the next left, and according to my schematics, that's where the leak should be."</p><p>"Thanks, Isabella!" It turned awkwardly quiet between them as Phineas plodded through the innards of the ship wearing a protective suit. His breathing was slightly fogging up the visor as he swept his flashlight up and down the insulant, looking for the leak. "Aha! I've found it!"</p><p>He worked quickly to patch the hole, then turned around to go back the way he came. "Listen, Isabella, about earlier, I'm s―"</p><p>Without warning, the floor buckled and heaved beneath his feet, throwing him off his balance. "What was that?" he asked urgently.</p><p>"It looks like―we've been caught in some kind of gravity well! Hold on… it's a planet! With our engine turned off, it's gravity is pulling us in!"</p><p>"Is it a solid or a gas planet?"</p><p>"It's rocky, like Earth."</p><p>"I'll be up there in a minute. If you have to, have Gulliver use the offline stabilizers to keep us from crashing!"</p><p>"You got it, Phineas! Hey, Gulliver, you hear that?" Isabella directed away from the mic. "Gulliver? Gulliver!"</p><hr/><p>Gulliver was peering at the planet's surface from the cockpit, the look of horror on his face explaining his unresponsiveness.</p><p>"Hello? Earth to Gulliver? Well, maybe not 'Earth,' but you know what I mean…"</p><p>"I know that planet," Gulliver hoarsely whispered, his eyes bulging. "I know that planet," he said louder. "I know that planet! I KNOW THAT PLANET!"</p><p>"What is it?" Isabella prompted.</p><p>Phineas finally returned to the bridge, casting his helmet and gloves aside to take over the controls. In the background, multiple warning lights were blinking and beeping, filling the room with noise. "What's going on, wasn't Gulliver supposed to be operating the thrusters?"</p><p>"He's panicking about something! Oi, Gulliver, what planet is that? Can you tell us?"</p><p>Gulliver brought his hands to his scalp and began tugging at his wispy white hair. "We're doomed! We're doomed we're doomed we're doomed!" Suddenly, his face started caving in on itself, like a ball of putty being kneaded inward. Immediately after, all his extremities soon followed suit, sucking inward on themselves, like a tortoise withdrawing into its shell.</p><p>"We're doomed," they heard him say one last time, before he was curled up on the floor in an oval blob.</p><p>Before they could analyze what they had just seen, the ship entered the planet's atmosphere, burning a trail through the sky. They jumped back to the controls to keep the ship from crashing.</p><p>"SAM," Phineas called, getting the robot's attention. "Can you tell us what planet this is?"</p><hr/><p>ARRIVAL: PLANET YANDARAY</p><p>"He has entered his hibernation state," SAM explained after briefly inspecting Gulliver's body. "He won't come out of it until he senses the danger has passed."</p><p>"But we survived the crash," Isabella summarized. "So why isn't he snapping out of it?"</p><p>"The imminent threat of death by crashing wasn't what caused him to revert to hibernation," the robot patiently elaborated. "The danger Dr. Cuvier was sensing likely came from the planet itself."</p><p>"The planet is that dangerous?" Phineas inquired, before consulting with the readings on the dash. "The atmosphere is normal," he read. "Temperature, air pressure, radiation levels, they're all safe. Lowering the crash shields now…" He stroked a few keys, and the metal shields retracted from the viewing window, revealing―</p><p>―A sandy white beach and picturesque shoreline. Blue waves crashed on the pearly sand. Behind the beach, lush, tropical greenery spread as far as the eye could see. A friendly yellow sun gleamed invitingly overhead, pleasantly reposing betwixt a couple of puffy white clouds in an otherwise clear, blue sky.</p><p>"Wow!" Isabella and Phineas exclaimed in unison, pressing their noses against the glass.</p><p>"That's dangerous?" Phineas asked over his shoulder, but he was only met by the sound of the doors sliding shut as SAM carted Gulliver off, probably to lay him down somewhere more comfortable.</p><p>"Maybe it's full of dangerous creatures that could eat us?" Isabella suggested.</p><p>Phineas tapped a few keys, then shook his head. "The scanners aren't picking up any large lifeforms nearby."</p><p>"Hmm. Maybe the plants are toxic? Or the water is fatally acidic?"</p><p>"These readings aren't showing any of those things, either. I know he's an expert and has been to lots of places throughout the galaxy, but do you think maybe Gulliver got the wrong planet?"</p><p>"I suppose it's possible…" Isabella said thoughtfully.</p><p>"I say we be proactive in making sure it's safe, by going and checking out that beach!" Phineas boldly proposed, raising his fist.</p><p>Isabella released a nervous chuckle. "I was thinking you'd say that."</p><hr/><p>They stopped at the hatch to confirm they were both ready for this before Phineas raised his hand. "Here goes nothing," he said, punching the button and opening the pod bay doors.</p><p>The serene scene opened up to them, and they stepped out onto the beach―</p><p>―And subsequently both fell flat on their faces.</p><p>"Ow!"</p><p>"Ouch."</p><p>Isabella was grateful that the sand provided a soft landing, but―</p><p>"I can hardly move a muscle," she flatly stated in a monotone voice.</p><p>"Same here," Phineas concurred. "Maybe that's what was so dangerous. The gravity here is crazy strong!"</p><p>Focusing by breathing steadily, Isabella gathered her strength and pushed with everything she had, granting her the ability to―barely roll over. Now she was laying on her back, which was certainly preferable. "At least… the weather is… nice…" she panted, her chest rapidly rising and falling from the exertion.</p><p>Beside her, Phineas grunted and strained to get his elbows underneath himself, then used that leverage to push his body up. With intense effort, he managed to get up on his hands and knees in a crawling position, before stopping to hold it there and rest. "It's not… so bad… once you get… used to it…" he grunted, breathing heavily.</p><p>He turned and looked at the lapping ocean waves. "If I could… just make it to the water," he said, gazing longingly at the shoreline just a few measly yards away, "I would be buoyant enough… to stand up…"</p><p>"Are you… crazy?" Isabella gasped. "Let's get back… inside the ship's… gravity shield…"</p><p>Phineas was sweating profusely now. "If you think you can… climb back up through the hatch… be my guest…"</p><p>As it was, the bottom of the door threshold was a good foot or so off the ground. In their current state, it might as well be a ten foot high wall.</p><p>"But you think… you can make it… to the water… all the way over there?"</p><p>Even if it was only a few yards, that distance seemed almost insurmountable. Phineas lifted one of his heavy, lead-lined arms and dropped it an inch or two forward, then dragged along the opposite knee behind him. "I'll definitely… urgh!... make it!"</p><p>Not willing to be outdone, Isabella shifted all her weight to one elbow, slowly performing another half-roll back onto her stomach, this time in the direction of the doorway. "You're gonna… hup!… be soaking wet… in your clothes!"</p><p>"As long as I can… bwah!… get to my feet… I'll be able to walk in this!" Phineas inched forward one baby step at a time, speaking in sync with his crawling.</p><p>"Once I get my hand… fwooh!… up on that platform thing… ghyr!… I'll be able to pull myself up!" Isabella rolled a few more times, putting her closer to the entrance of the ship.</p><p>"You're gonna feel pretty foolish… once I'm walking from the water… back to the ship…"</p><p>"Not as foolish as you'll feel… once I'm back aboard the ship… without having to get my clothes wet…"</p><p>After making some good progress, Phineas stretched one arm out a bit too much, had it skid out from under him, and fell over.</p><p>After propping an elbow under her ribcage, Isabella shimmied the other hand up to grab hold of the platform, but came up short, and fell over.</p><p>"..."</p><p>"..."</p><p>When they both realized the other had failed, each of them burst out in hysteric laughter.</p><p>"Look at us, competing like this!"</p><p>"I know, right? This isn't like us at all!"</p><p>"I guess this is what us fighting looks like…"</p><p>"Aw, our first fight? How cute!"</p><p>"Seriously though! Fighting over who will make it first? This is silly!"</p><p>"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry for not helping you keep your balance crawling to the water."</p><p>"I'm sorry for not giving you a boost onto that ledge."</p><p>"I'm sorry for getting mad at you earlier."</p><p>"I'm sorry I said those stupid things in front of you and Andromeda."</p><p>"Even Stevens?"</p><p>"Even Stevens."</p><p>A beat.</p><p>Two beats.</p><p>Three.</p><p>"So, how <em>are</em> we going to get out of this?"</p><p>"Let's just stop and rest for now…"</p><hr/><p>They were finally starting to catch their breath when they heard a voice calling from close by. "Heeeey! Yoohoo, over here!"</p><p>Startled, Phineas and Isabella craned their necks in the direction of the sound.</p><p>At the crest of a tall sand dune perhaps a football field down the shoreline, a girl was waving at the two of them. Just like that, more girls appeared over the top of the hill, coming to see what their companion had discovered.</p><p>Either the inherent difficulty in circulating blood to his brain in this environment was causing him to see things, or he was dreaming―Phineas watched as a half-dozen of the most beautiful girls he'd ever seen began running their way, all wearing extremely cute two-piece swimsuits. The crippling gravity didn't seem to trouble any of them in the slightest. As they neared, they all appeared to be about Phineas' and Isabella's age, and all of them were giggling like you would expect a group of girls to while strolling around on the beach.</p><p>The girls gathered about Phineas' and Isabella's sides and looked down at the couple as they laid in the sand. Even after running a good distance at an impressive clip, none of the girls were winded in the slightest.</p><p>"Ooh! It's some aliens!" the girls giggled, standing over Phineas and Isabella like they were all looking at a sand dollar together.</p><p>"This one's <em>a boy!</em>"</p><p>"And this girl he's with is <em>super</em> cute, too!"</p><p>"We have names, you know," Isabella said. Although he couldn't look at her, Phineas could tell by the tone of her voice that she was not appreciative of this kind of treatment.</p><p>"Sorry," said one of the girls, a real head-turner with flowing strawberry-red hair that reached down to her waist. She stooped down so that her face was close to Phineas'. "Let's start with you! What's your name, handsome?"</p><p>Phineas couldn't hide his blush. "I'm Phineas," he started, then, thinking he wasn't about to make the same mistake twice after just barely apologizing and making up with Isabella, he quickly added, "and this is my <em>girlfriend</em>, Isabella." He congratulated himself on the emphasis he put on 'girlfriend.' All these girls were already focusing on him far more than on Isabella, he needed to make it clear he was taken.</p><p>If the group of girls were nonplussed by his marking his territory, they didn't show it.</p><p>"So what are you doing laying there?" another girl asked, scootching even closer to him.</p><p>"Well, you see, neither of us can… move, exactly," he answered sheepishly. "This planet's gravity is a lot stronger than we're used to."</p><p>"Well why didn't you say so?" All at once, the group of girls threw themselves at Phineas to help him stand up, ultimately achieving nothing but covering him in bruises and getting in each other's way.</p><p>"I was at his left arm first, Phoebe, so move!"</p><p>"Well <em>I </em>was at his left hand first, Cassie, so <em>you</em> move!"</p><p>"Oi, Miranda, you don't get to cling to his waist like that!"</p><p>"Oh really, Luna? Then explain to me why you're draping yourself around his shoulders like that!"</p><p>"The muscles above his elbow are so manly!"</p><p>"Stop nuzzling against his side like that, Alexia! We're supposed to be helping him up, not cuddling with him!"</p><p>"You're cuddling with him more than I was!"</p><p>At last, Phineas was up on his feet, albeit with six dazzling beauties clinging to him from every side. Despite having a few bumps and bruises, the look on his face and the sheer volume of drool dripping off of it clearly showed he was in heaven.</p><p>Meanwhile, Isabella was still laying in the sand a few feet away, her face glowing an angry velvet. "What about me?!" she snarled, baring her canines.</p><hr/><p>Phineas and Isabella were seated on the elevated doorstep of the spaceship, resting from their ordeal.</p><p>The group of girls who had appeared were lined up before them.</p><p>"Okay, girls, it's introduction time!" the strawberry-haired bombshell said.</p><p>
  <strong>Fan's Notes: Character Bios</strong>
</p><p>"Huh? We're doing the character bios now?" Isabella sharply inquired, but was again ignored.</p><p>"I'm Cassie!" The one with the strawberry-colored hair stepped up first, making a pose with a V symbol and a wink. She was the definition of a busty beauty, with a muscular physique and curves in all the right places. "I'm the oldest of the six sisters standing before you, making me the most mature, the most devoted, the most caring, and the natural leader!"</p><p>"My name is Stella, pleasure to meet you." A girl with a more modest demeanor bowed her head politely. Her hair was a stunning midnight blue that curled about her slender shoulders. Although she seemed a little more timid, her long legs and slender frame were a splendor to behold. "I like reading fantasy stories about princes and princesses. Could it be you're the prince I've been seeking?"</p><p>"Hi! I'm Phoebe, the clumsy one!" Phoebe stuck out her tongue and winked cutely. Her bubblegum pink hair was cropped short about her neck. She acted down-to-earth, and her exposed midriff flaunted a clearly defined six-pack. "I'm kinda a tomboy, actually, though! Let's go climb trees together!"</p><p>"Oh, is it my turn? I am Miranda." Miranda had a soft voice, and rarely made eye contact as she spoke. Her purple hair was arranged in two narrow braids at her shoulder blades, and the thin-rimmed glasses resting on the bridge of her nose were especially cute. "People say I'm shy, I suppose. With that said..." She looked up and clenched a fist, changing her demeanor. "I am very confident when it comes to my baking and housekeeping skills! I'll make you a great wife someday, if you'll have me!" Realizing what she just said, she blushed and turned on her heels to hide her face, reverting back to the personality she was initially showing.</p><p>"I guess I'm up," began a girl with inky black hair that fell straight down her back, like a shower curtain. "Galexia's the name, but you can call me Alexia or Lexi if you want! I give the best messages and am the best kisser of the bunch! (Even though I've never actually kissed a boy before…)" She dropped in volume towards the end, covering her mouth with a few fingers so that the words almost didn't make it past.</p><p>The last girl, who had a fiery burst of tousled orange hair, stood at an angle with her arms folded tightly across her frame, which was the most petite of the group's. "I may be the youngest and smallest, but you better remember my name! It's Luna, and I'll beat the snot out of you if you ever forget it, you hear?" She emphasized her lines using her pointer finger and a stern gaze.</p><p>"All their introductions read like dating profiles!" Isabella was quick to accuse, although nobody seemed to be listening to her at this point. However, she couldn't deny that each of them were also drop-dead gorgeous, and she didn't like the way they were all looking at Phineas, not one bit.</p><p>The boy in question seemed as oblivious as ever to the noticeable gap in attention. He had a concerned look. "Well, it's nice to meet you all; but our guide warned us that something dangerous was on this planet. It's probably not safe for a bunch of girls to be out here all alone like this!"</p><p>The girls all looked at each other with confused looks. "There's something dangerous? Here on Yandaray?"</p><p>"That doesn't sound right…"</p><p>"Yeah, if there were anything like that lurking around, the Queen would have taken care of it a long time ago…"</p><p>"That's right! Even a big, scary monster is no match for the Queen!"</p><p>After discussing it among themselves, Cassie presented Phineas with a gentle smile. "Sorry, but your guide must be confused. Yandaray is a peaceful world. We've lived here our whole lives, and never seen anything 'dangerous' around here before."</p><p>"In fact," Stella added, "this beach―no, all the land around here is owned by our mother! We came to play at this beach many times while growing up, so if there was something dangerous nearby, we would know about it."</p><p>Phineas brought his hand to his chin in thought, struggling a little against the increased gravity. "That's weird. I wonder what it was that freaked Gulliver out so much."</p><p>He was too deep in thought to notice the twinkle in the eyes of the six girls they had just met.</p><hr/><p>Isabella saw it, though. Like a hungry soul seeing food and drink for the first time after crossing a vast desert, there was a menacing red light shining from deep inside their irises. Sensing she―and moreover, Phineas―needed to get out of there, she placed her hands on her knees for support as she fought to stand up under her own taxing bodyweight, barely managing to get to her feet. "Oh, my, look at the time! Well, it was certainly nice to meet you all, and we're very grateful you passed by to help us up, but we really should get going. Right Phineas?"</p><p>Not catching on to her eagerness to break ties with their new friends so quickly, Phineas responded, "Actually, I think the engines still―"</p><p>"Great! Then it's settled!" Isabella clambered onto the platform and rolled on her side through the doorway, instantly feeling back to normal the moment she was back inside the ship's gravity shield. "Whew! That feels much better!" she exclaimed, bouncing on the balls of her feet, feeling light as a feather. Turning to the Yandarians, she put on a show of smiling as she waved. "I guess this is good-bye! Maybe we'll meet again sometime. Are you coming, Phineas?"</p><p>"Uh, yeah," he said, pushing himself to his feet with a grunt. He began comically sliding his body onto the platform the way a small child climbs up onto a couch that they're still too short for, albeit due to the increased difficulty that physical exertion required rather than a size difference. He rolled from that position into the spaceship's interior, and was likewise released from the crippling gravity, allowing him to comfortably stand upright. Isabella extended her palm towards the hatch release button.</p><p>Her plan had almost worked, but at the last second, Phineas turned around to say―</p><p>"Hey, can we maybe get you guys something to drink, as thanks for helping us?" Once again, Phineas was being too unnecessarily kind for his own good.</p><p>Isabella would later regret that she hadn't slammed the door shut right then and there.</p><hr/><p>"Hey hey, what's the rush? Are you leaving already?" With Phineas dashing inside to get the drinks, six looks of ire were suddenly being cast toward Isabella as the party of beachgoers shifted their full attention to her for the first time.</p><p>"It sounds like you had an emergency, so it can't be helped; but you're still trespassing on our mother's private property, and we can't simply let you go after that."</p><p>"Could it be this girl intends to keep this man she is travelling with all to herself?"</p><p>"I sense a rival's arrival."</p><p>"Dear me, the Queen won't be pleased if we let them leave so quickly. Yandaray gets so few tourists these days, it would be a shame not to show them around for a bit."</p><p>"That's right, we can't ignore the benefits a boost in tourism would give the economy."</p><p>Isabella did not like the words she was overhearing in the girls' discussion. "You better not be planning on stopping us from leaving," she interrupted. "Phineas and I still have a long way to go to get back home! We can't afford to stick around."</p><p>"Listen, Isabella was it?" The oldest sister and leader, Cassie, said. "You are free to go anytime you please. On Yandaray, all women are viewed as having equal rights, whether you are a citizen or not. That having been said, men do not have any such rights. By our laws, Phineas is a trespasser, and he is going to have to be brought to meet with the Queen, who will decide whether he can leave. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."</p><p>The other girls nodded in agreement.</p><p>"Then what was all that talk about us being 'tourists' a second ago?" Isabella exploded.</p><p>The six sisters cast their eyes about and whistled indiscriminately, pretending not to have heard her.</p><p>Phineas walked back into the docking bay, carrying a tray of cups. "Sorry that took so long," he said, "I'm still figuring out what everything stored in the kitchen is. I <em>think</em> I found some fruit punch. Anyways, why don't you all come inside? I don't think I'd be able to carry this tray if I left the ship's gravitational shielding."</p><p>Not needing any more invitation than that, the six sisters immediately stepped inside.</p><p>Isabella instinctively put her body between them and Phineas. "Hold on for just a sec!" she stated loudly. "Phineas, these girls just told me that we're criminals for trespassing on this beach! We shouldn't be serving them drinks, we should be escaping while we still can!"</p><p>"Technically, just Phineas is the criminal. There are no laws against other women being on the beach."</p><p>"I thought you said it was your mother's private lands?"</p><p>"That's right. According to Yandarian laws, the Queen owns every continent and landmass on Yandaray. But all Yandarian citizens and anyone else legally acknowledged by the law―in other words, all women of every race―are free to use the lands under the Queen's discretion."</p><p>"Hold up!" Isabella said, turning around to face the girls. "You're saying your <em>mother</em> is the Queen? As in, you are all <em>princesses</em>?"</p><p>"I guess that's another way of putting it." Cassie tilted her head and touched her dimple.</p><p>It was beginning to dawn on Isabella how much trouble they were really in. Her worry seemed to show on her face, so Cassie smiled disarmingly. "Don't worry. I can assure you, Phineas won't be treated like a criminal, but like a king. He'll be perfectly safe until he has the chance to meet our mother."</p><p>The other girls hid their giggles by covering their mouths, making Isabella more suspicious. "You say that, but why are they giggling?" she pointed.</p><p>They all stopped at once. "Nobody's giggling!"</p><p>"Not me! Did you?"</p><p>"Of course not!"</p><p>"Me neither!"</p><p>Isabella clenched her fists and growled under her breath.</p><p>Phineas, nonplussed, looked around the room. "Look," he said, "I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but Isabella and I didn't mean to break any of your laws. We just happened to crash here when our ship's engines overheated. We didn't mean any harm, so your mother won't get angry, will she? I mean, is she, like, a nice Queen? Or a dictator kind of one?"</p><p>"Oh, she's really nice," Cassie held up her hands casually. "In fact, I bet she'll just love meeting you, Phineas, so you should have nothing to worry about!"</p><p>"See, Isabella? I say we should go meet the Queen and get this all cleared up. Who knows? She might even be able to help us get back home!" Phineas bypassed Isabella to distribute the drinks to the girls, unaware they were all watching him far more closely than newly met acquaintances should.</p><p>It seemed there was nothing she could do to change it, so Isabella heaved a deep sigh. "Fine, but I am not letting you out of my sight!" She quickly grabbed Phineas' arm and held him close, deftly making eye contact with the other girls to assert her dominance.</p><p>"Sounds good!" Phineas happily said, unaware she hadn't said that for his sake, but for the six sisters'.</p><p>They all gave Isabella the stink eye in return.</p><p>The blue haired one, Stella, suddenly had a dark look cross her face and smiled smugly. "Hey hey! What's with this dreary atmosphere? We're supposed to be having fun at the beach, right? C'mon, we can worry about the trivial things later!" With that, she struck a pose with her chest out, one hand on her hips, and the other whipping her hair behind her. Then she glanced at Phineas and winked.</p><p>With the skimpy bikini she wore, it didn't leave much to the imagination.</p><p>The other girls quickly caught on. "Yeah! The beach!"</p><p>"C'mon! Join us, Phineas!"</p><p>"Let's go play in the water together!"</p><p>They were all making seductive poses in their beachwear, flirtatiously smiling at Phineas while simultaneously flaunting their sexiness at Isabella.</p><p>Phineas gulped to keep the drool escaping his lips to a minimum. "That does sound fun…" he said, causing Isabella's head to cartoonishly explode. "...But I just can't handle the gravity, so sorry, I'm gonna pass this time," he said sincerely.</p><p>Isabella pulled a one-eighty and gloated, making sure each and every one of these girls got a dose of her victory.</p><p>"Don't worry about that! We've got it covered!" Stella whipped out the purse that had been slung over her shoulder this entire time and extracted a beach chair, unfolding it on the spot. "Here, take a seat, Phineas! We'll carry you out, so you don't even have to walk outside!"</p><p>Cassie, Alexia, and the others were already pushing Phineas down into the seat, and he nervously obliged, mostly because he was too confused to resist. "Hey, wait! What do you mean you'll carry me?" he questioned, disbelievingly.</p><p>In answer to his query, the moment he was settled in, four of the girls took a corner of the lounger and effortlessly picked him up, quickly carrying him back out onto the beach. Even under the intense gravity, they set him gently on the sand with perfect muscle control, not straining in the slightest.</p><p>"Here you go, Phineas, some shade while you relax!" Phoebe was already planting a large beach umbrella over the spot they had laid him on.</p><p>"Wow, gee, thanks!"</p><p>Phoebe seemed elated at the simple thank you he gave her, grinning madly.</p><p>"Hey!" Miranda jealously looked on, then rummaged about in her own purse. "Well, Phineas, if you'd like, I have some sunscreen here. I can―h-help you put it on, if you w-want."</p><p>"Really? Thanks! You guys really do think of everything! Oh, but I'm still in my shirt…"</p><p>"Feel free to―t-take it off!"</p><p>"Ugh! It's kind of hard in this gravity. Can you help me in the back there, Miranda? Hey, Miranda?"</p><p>It was no use; the shy girl was blushing outrageously and appeared too petrified to move any further.</p><p>"Here, allow me!" Since Miranda froze, Cassie and Alexia pounced on the opportunity, jumping to Phineas' side to assist.</p><p>It all happened so fast. Before Isabella could think of a way to stop them, the girls were already crowding around Phineas, massaging sunblock onto his back and shoulders. Unable to leave the protection of the ship's gravity shield, there was little she could do, other than―</p><p>"Hey, what do you think you all are doing? Phineas, stop letting them seduce you like that! How easy can you be?"</p><p>Judging by the look of ecstasy Phineas was wearing and the copious amount of drool he was releasing, he was pathetically easy.</p><p>Isabella didn't stop raising a stink. "Cassie! Phoebe! And―whatever the rest of your names are! I demand that you stop fawning over him! That's my boyfriend! The least you could do is come give me a beach chair and a ride over to the shore too! Haven't you heard of gender equality? And none of you have any right to be flaunting your assets so immodestly! I know you're only doing that because I don't have my swimsuit with me at the moment!"</p><p>Cassie gave a gentle sigh and turned to the youngest of the bunch. "Luna, she is a guest too, so we should at least give her some hospitality as well. Go take care of it!"</p><p>"Why do I have to do that while all the rest of you hog Phineas?"</p><p>"Now!"</p><p>"Okay, okay! Geez! (I hate being the youngest...)" Muttering such things, Luna stomped back to the ship to address Isabella. "Sigh! Come on, let's get you a swimsuit and a beach chair, too." She took Isabella's hand and dragged her deeper into the ship, surprising Isabella with her strength.</p><p>"Wait! I didn't really want those things, I was being facetious! I just want you to give my boyfriend back!" Yet despite Isabella's defiance, the small girl's grip didn't falter in the slightest.</p><hr/><p>Captain Jabberwock and his first mate Andromeda watched silently as the planet slowly filled the view in front of them. They had been able to track the ship's warp signature this far, but when Andromeda realized where they were, her normally icy facade broke into a slight gasp.</p><p>"The tracking program shows that they are probably somewhere around here," the Captain gestured, tapping the display. "Let's set her down there, that's where we'll begin our search."</p><p>For the first time since she had met the Captain, Andromeda disobeyed an order. "I'm afraid I can't do that, Captain."</p><p>He was so shocked at her unexpected response that Captain Jabberwock simply stared at her, slack-jawed. "What?"</p><p>"I will not 'set her down there,' sir." She gazed coldly ahead, unblinking.</p><p>After a tense moment, the Captain chuckled. "C'mon, Andie, what's the hold up? Don't tell me the fiercest warrior in the galaxy is afraid of a little mission?"</p><p>Andromeda didn't flinch. "If we step foot on that planet, it will surely be the end of us." The graveness in her tone took the Captain aback.</p><p>After giving her statement the appropriate consideration, he asked, "What makes you so sure?"</p><p>Andromeda veered the steering column to the side, changing their direction and pulling them away. "Because it's my homeworld."</p><hr/><p>Luna found a spare girl's swimsuit in one of the closets aboard the ship, which, judging by the cup size, probably belonged to Andromeda. The bikini was slightly too large for Isabella, but she didn't have time to fuss over a thing like that. She changed as quickly as possible to make sure the group of girls didn't take too much advantage of her absence.</p><p>"Okay, I'm wearing a swimsuit now. Happy? So can you please let me go?"</p><p>"Hey, don't get mad at me, we have the same goal here! My sisters aren't letting me spend time with Phineas either, you know."</p><p>"You're not his girlfriend, so don't give me that!"</p><p>"You really do want to hog him all to yourself, don't you?"</p><p>"Of course I do! He's my boyfriend!"</p><p>"What's a boyfriend? Just get the lead out so we can get back to the beach already!"</p><p>"Wait, on second thought, I don't know about going outside in this…" Isabella hugged her arms around herself, covering her bare midriff. She hadn't worn a two-piece in public before.</p><p>"You're getting second thoughts now? C'mon, you look fine, so let's go!" Luna pushed Isabella slightly to get her going.</p><p>Hurrying back to the entrance with Luna, Isabella paused at the doorframe and reluctantly removed her arms from her exposed abdomen.</p><p>"Phineas, if you dare ignore me while I'm wearing this, I swear I'll―" She got embarrassed before she could finish and reverted back to covering her stomach, but then she looked up and realized nobody was listening anyways.</p><p>They were all raising up a scaffolding around some partially constructed tubes at the point where the waves were crashing. Everyone was located at a different joint, hammering the structure together.</p><p>Phineas was the first to see her arrive. "Hey, Isabella!" He waved the hammer he was holding as a greeting. "We thought it sounded fun to build a waterslide! Want to help?"</p><p>It wasn't like he was suddenly able to withstand the magnified gravity. Phoebe had her one hand wrapped around his where he held the hammer so he could lift it, her other wrapped around his waist to support him where he stood on the scaffolding. From Isabella's perspective, they were basically cuddling while working, Phoebe providing the power, Phineas, the direction.</p><p>The air immediately surrounding Isabella cracked with electricity. Filling with jealous rage, she threw her head back and screamed at the heavens, rending the very air as her body bulged with throbbing veins and her hair spiked upward of its own accord. Streaks of gold shot from her follicles and overtook the individual strands, replacing their raven-black color.</p><p>"GO! FIND! YOUR! OWN! BOYFRIEND!"</p><p>She blasted out of the spacecraft door―</p><p>―and immediately fell flat on her face. The gold shimmer in her hair died out instantly.</p><p>Luna crossed her arms and hmphed at the spot where Isabella face-planted. "You forgot my name earlier, so don't expect me to help you up."</p><p>In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter Six: The Inverse-Square Law Of Attraction</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Preview</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Phineas, my sisters and I need your help! Our planet is in danger! Phineas dear, are you listening? You're drooling really badly!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hehe, sorry, what was that about needing my help?"</em>
</p><p><em>"Our planet is in grave danger! You see, our mother is very</em>―<em>uh, you're still drooling."</em></p><p>
  <em>"That explains why I'm so thirsty… Go on?"</em>
</p><p><em>"Right, so our mother, the Queen, needs to</em>―<em>would you like me to get you a napkin?"</em></p><p>
  <em>"Cassie, just tell him already!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Okay, okay! The thing is, mom's getting kind of up there. Yandaray will need a new queen soon, but there cannot be a queen without a king. And for some reason, none of us have been able to find a suitable prince to match with..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What sis is trying to say is, we haven't had a man visit our planet in decades."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I told you we'd treat you more like a king than a criminal, didn't I? That's because it just so happens that you're our first, and only, prospect―I mean candidate."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So… when the time comes..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Please pick me, okay?" x6</em>
</p><p>Next time on Lovetopia: <em>What's The Harm In Having A Harem?</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. What's The Harm In Having A Harem?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"To hammer, you hold the nail in place with your fingers like that, and then pound it in carefully at first so you don't smash them―oops! I'm sorry! Are you okay?"</p><p>"Don't worry, Phin-baby! It doesn't hurt when you hold my hand like that… In fact, feel free to kiss it better!"</p><p>Phineas was showing the clumsy Yandarian Phoebe how to hammer a nail properly, and had accidentally hit her thumb on their first swing.</p><p>"Seriously, how tough are you? You can walk in this gravity like it's nothing, and you shrug off hammering your finger like it's a pinprick?"</p><p>"Well, we did grow up here, so we're pretty used to it. This gravity feels normal to us. Anyways, most people can acclimate to stronger gravitational fields within a few months. But, you know, I don't mind helping you walk, even after you acclimate!" Phoebe said with a squeeze, nuzzling her cheek into Phineas' back.</p><p>"Uh, thanks?"</p><p>At that moment, Galexia interrupted. "Hey, Phoebe! It's my turn to work beside Phineas! So hurry up and switch places with me!"</p><p>"Are you kidding me? You know I'm too clumsy to hammer without Phineas guiding me! So the only option is for us to continue working like this!"</p><p>"Huh? Weren't you the one who built that treehouse back when we were younger? Don't give me that 'I'm too clumsy' schtick! I bet you even told him you'd never hammered before! Cassie! Phoebe isn't giving me my turn with Phineas!"</p><p>"Phoebe!? Let Lexi have a turn with the man!"</p><p>"No! My turn still has a few more minutes!"</p><p>"Look! She's changing her story! She was giving <em>me </em>the old 'I'm too clumsy' speech five seconds ago!"</p><p>"Phoebe! You were there when we all agreed to take turns spending time with Phineas. You had your turn, now pass him along. It's only fair. You can have another turn later."</p><p>"Who put you in charge anyway, Cassie? You're not the Queen yet!"</p><p>"Are you disputing my authority as the eldest?"</p><p>"I suppose I am!" Phoebe glared at her sister.</p><p>"Don't make me come over there!" Cassie glared right back.</p><p>"It's okay," Phineas interrupted, not wanting to be the cause of a fight. "Phoebe, you just keep practicing swinging that hammer for a bit while I go check up on how Alexia's section is coming along." After giving her control of the hammer, he grabbed onto a nearby iron bar of scaffolding to support himself as he shuffled down the plank.</p><p>"Awww..." Phoebe pouted before turning to finish hammering in the nail like she was a pro.</p><p>Alexia clutched at her chest as Phineas approached her. "My heart's beating really fast for some reason! Phineas just chose to be with me out of all my sisters! Does this mean he likes me?" Her hands flew to her face as she blushed.</p><p>"What'd you say about someone liking you?" Phineas asked, having just caught that last part by the time he reached her.</p><p>"Oh―it's, um… I was wondering, do you like me?" she breathed.</p><p>"Of course I like you, we're friends, aren't we?" Phineas said in his typical, laidback voice.</p><p>Alexia blushed more and had to wipe a bit of drool from the corner of her mouth. "Ehehe!"</p><p>"Wow, your welding job looks great!" Phineas said, inspecting the support beams behind her. "Just be sure that the steel melt on this bar gets a little thicker, like how that one looks over there!" he offered.</p><p>"I see… Can you―give me some other pointers?"</p><p>"Sure can," Phineas grinned, and before long, Alexia was happily supporting him from behind while he welded, in much the same way Phoebe had been previously.</p><p>Isabella, unable to work as the Yandarians were quite uninterested in holding her frame up, merely sat at the lounger and looked on from the beach, both elbows jutting into her knees as she unhappily rested her chin in her hands. "There he goes on to the next girl, like he's in one of those speed-dating games they throw at singles parties," she muttered bitterly, half wishing they would all just fall into the ocean.</p><hr/><p>Dressed in a wetsuit and flippers, Ferb leaned backwards over the side of the bobbing rocket ship and fell into the ocean, quickly biting down on his breathing apparatus. He descended into the water until he came across a pink-skinned, mermaid-like alien with webbed appendages, gills, and fins. Once he had its attention, Ferb showed the aquatic alien a picture of Phineas and Isabella. The alien, after taking a good look, shook its head, and returned the photograph.</p><p>Ferb gave the thumbs up and swam back to the surface.</p><hr/><p>"Well done, everyone!" Phineas congratulated as they stood on the beach, looking upon their creation. The water slide was finished, consisting of an escalator that ferried riders up to the apex, where the tubes began their twisting, turning descent, ultimately plunging into the ocean. It was a far cry from some of the other slides he had built in his day, what with being handicapped by the gravity and not having Ferb around to help. That made it no less impressive to the six sisters, however, who oohed and awed, starstruck.</p><p>"Wow, this slide is incredible!"</p><p>"And we built it so fast, too!"</p><p>"I can hardly believe my eyes!"</p><p>"It seems Phineas really is a handyman with these things!"</p><p>"I am so in love right now!"</p><p>"I bet a man like that provides the same amount of attention and devotion to <em>everything</em> he cares about in life!"</p><p>Isabella just rolled her eyes.</p><p>"Well what are we all waiting for?" Phineas asked rhetorically. "Let's ride!"</p><p>"Yeah!" The six sisters pumped their fists in the air.</p><p>At long last, Phineas finally turned to speak with Isabella for the first time in over an hour. "Isabella, are you coming?"</p><p>She turned her nose up from where she sat on the lounger. "Humph! No thanks! I'm still tired, so I don't feel like getting up!"</p><p>Little red flags went off in Phineas' mind, indicating that something was off. They had just made up right after they got to the beach, so surely Isabella couldn't still be mad at him, could she?</p><p>Before he could ponder that thought, the sisters were crowding around him. "Phineas, c'mon! Ride with me first!"</p><p>"No, ride with me! I already have an innertube, see?"</p><p>"No fair! You spent more time working with him than I did, so I should ride with him first!"</p><p>Isabella was pushed to the back of Phineas' mind as the ladies dragged him over to the bottom of the escalator. "Calm down, everyone! We'll just have to take turns!" he resolved.</p><hr/><p>"Whee!" Phoebe clung to the crook of Phineas' arm the whole ride as they slid down together.</p><hr/><p>"Haha! Yeah!" Stella held onto Phineas' hand so they didn't get separated around any of the bends.</p><hr/><p>"Woohoo!" Cassie kept both arms raised high in the air as she rode human-train style between Phineas' legs.</p><hr/><p>"Ahhh!" Miranda hugged Phineas tightly across his chest, keeping both eyes tightly shut as she braced against him the whole way down.</p><hr/><p>"Mmm, this is the best!" Alexia rode human-train style behind Phineas, locking her arms around his waist while nuzzling his shoulder from behind.</p><hr/><p>"Eh, woah!" Luna, small as she was, managed to fit on Phineas' lap for the duration of the slide.</p><hr/><p>Isabella grinded her teeth from her lounge chair, managing to tear in half the beach towel she had been holding in a death grip.</p><hr/><p>After having ridden the slide over and over, Phineas was starting to feel drained. He floated on his back without an innertube, bobbing along the waves serenely like a human beach ball. In accordance with Archimedes' principle, his body was far more buoyant here than it was on Earth, because the volume of water he displaced weighed so much more on Yandaray's surface. It effectively canceled out the planet's extra gravity to be in the water. "Whew, what a day!" he said, taking a deep breath. Casting his eyes back to the shore, the six sisters were busying themselves with spreading a blanket out and setting up picnic supplies. After a short time, Cassie yoohooed and waved at Phineas.</p><p>"Hey, lunch is ready!"</p><p>"Okay! Be right there!" he shouted, and proceeded to swim the length back.</p><p>Cassie turned around. "That goes for you too, Isabella. We have enough sandwiches for everyone!"</p><p>Isabella frowned and crossed her arms. "I'm not hungry," she stated flatly before her stomach grumbled, giving her away.</p><p>"C'mon, don't be such a fuddy-duddy! Join the group!"</p><p>Heaving a sigh, Isabella managed to lift her body out of the beach chair, feeling grateful she had done so many squats at the gym during soccer season.</p><p>She was joined by Phineas as they struggled to walk over the shifting sand, compounded by the extra weight they felt from the intense gravity. Upon making it the short distance to where the picnic blanket was spread, they plopped themselves down and had to catch their breath from the exertion.</p><p>They were quickly joined by the other six girls, all of whom were still as energetic as ever. "Oh man, I've starved!" Phoebe said, rubbing her tummy.</p><p>"Me too!"</p><p>"Don't hold back and eat up, everyone! Miranda packed plenty of sandwiches!"</p><p>"Thanks, Miranda!"</p><p>"Don't mention it…"</p><p>The sandwiches and a handful of juice boxes were passed around until everyone had some, and they all munched away happily. It would have looked like a normal picnic, if it weren't for the fact that just bringing their sandwiches up to take a bite was like trying to eat dumbbells for Phineas and Isabella. After just a few bites, Phineas' biceps were already sore. Every time he lifted his food, his arms would shake visibly.</p><p>Seeing this, Cassie scooched next to him. "Here, Phineas, say, 'Ahh!'" She held up her sandwich close to his mouth.</p><p>"But that's your sandwich, Cassie," Phineas balked. "You already bit there!"</p><p>"I don't mind!" she replied with a gentle tone.</p><p>Casting a neglectful look at his own sandwich and the long and arduous journey it was wont to take, Phineas hesitantly opened his mouth and accepted a bite of hers. "Ohm!" he chewed.</p><p>Cassie smiled and brought the sandwich to her own mouth, biting right over Phineas' teeth marks. "Mmm! So good!" She held her stuffed cheek full of food with her other hand, paying no mind to the half dozen looks of unabashed jealousy every other girl was shooting at her.</p><p>Suddenly, all the girls were climbing over each other, trying to offer their sandwiches to Phineas. "Here, Phineas! Have a bite of mine!"</p><p>"Don't you want to try some of mine, dear? It's grilled cheese!"</p><p>"I also want to try yours, too!"</p><p>"Say, 'Ahh!' Open wide!"</p><p>"Are you thirsty? Have some of my juice! Go ahead and use my straw!"</p><p>At the bottom of the pile, Phineas winced. "Oof! You're all crushing me―ohm?!" His opening his mouth was the opening they were all waiting for, and multiple sandwiches were shoveled in, puffing his cheeks out like a squirrel. Now attempting to chew all this food without choking, he had to shut his eyes to concentrate.</p><p>Meanwhile, Isabella's head was no longer cartoonishly exploding. It was going full-blown supernova. She viciously tore into her sandwich, pretending to ignore everyone the way they were all ignoring her.</p><p>"They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Stella chanted, looking on as Phineas munched away.</p><p>"Does that mean he likes one of us now?" asked Luna.</p><p>"He probably likes the one whose sandwich tasted the best," offered Miranda.</p><p>"So whose sandwich was the best?" Alexia prodded.</p><p>"Yeah, whose?" added Phoebe.</p><p>After taking adequate time to chew and swallow properly, Phineas paused for breath. "They were all good!"</p><p>"But whose did you like <em>best?</em>"</p><p>"C'mon, don't be shy!"</p><p>"Yeah, which of us do you like the most?"</p><p>"Huh? Are you asking about the sandwiches, or about something else?"</p><p>"The sandwiches! No, us! No, the sandwiches!"</p><p>"Just tell us your choice!"</p><p>"I don't know, I liked all of them!"</p><p>It suddenly went quiet as everyone sank back into their spots, acting like they had been rejected.</p><p>"...So you really don't like any of us?" Stella asked.</p><p>"What? No!" Phineas denied. "I literally said I liked all of them equally, how did you even come to that conclusion? (Besides, when you stuff five different sandwiches in my mouth all at once, it makes it kind of hard to differentiate flavors...)"</p><p>"But we're asking which one of us you like!"</p><p>"I like all of you! How many times do I have to say this? And even if I didn't like your sandwiches, I would still like you as a person!"</p><p>The girls all looked up. "Really?"</p><p>"Of course! You've been nothing but kind to Isabella and me ever since we arrived!"</p><p>Isabella snorted at that, but Phineas didn't notice.</p><p>"So, in a hypothetical situation," Cassie cautiously asked, "if I asked you to come hang out with me, you'd say yes?"</p><p>"Absolutely!"</p><p>"What if, again, in a purely hypothetical situation," Stella responded, "I was locked at the top of a tall tower, does that mean you'd come rescue me?"</p><p>"Without hesitation!"</p><p>"Suppose I wanted to go rock climbing with someone," Phoebe proposed, "would you go with me?"</p><p>"Of course!"</p><p>"And what if I needed some help folding laundry?" asked Miranda. "You would be there for me, too?"</p><p>"Totally!"</p><p>"Sometimes my back and shoulders get some nasty knots," Alexia chimed in. "Would you massage them for me when they ache?"</p><p>"In a heartbeat!"</p><p>"It's―it's not like I ever need help with anything," Luna standoffishly pouted, "but if we're talking hypotheticals here, would you help me if I ever did?"</p><p>"You betcha!" His supportive and encouraging words left all the girls swooning, with heart icons visibly showing in their pupils.</p><p>Phineas followed up by giving them all a thumbs up. "We're friends now, and that's what friends do!" In that one line, all the romantic tension that had built up in the air came crashing down, with all six girls getting friend-zoned at once by this world's most oblivious and only boy. The six sisters all fell on their backs in shock.</p><p>There was a soft sound from Phineas' side. Isabella had snorted in trying to contain herself, ultimately failing as she rolled onto her back in a fit of laughter, kicking her legs wildly in the air. "Serves you all right, you're ten years too late! You have no idea how much of his obliviousness I had to wade through before I got through to him! Ha haha!~"</p><p>Phineas looked around, startled. "What obliviousness? Did I say something strange?"</p><p>Stella broke out of her stupor and raised her voice. "If he's really that oblivious, then I suppose I will just have to stop beating around the bush! Phineas, let me tell you my true feelings!" She lunged forward and grabbed him by the shoulders. "I want you to be mine!"</p><p>"O-kay," Phineas said, uncertainly. "Be your what?"</p><p>"No, listen to me before you give her an answer!" Miranda pushed Stella aside. "Phineas, whatever the other girls say, I definitely li―li―li―" At the last moment, the girl became too shy to continue.</p><p>Phoebe used the lull in conversation to make her move. She grabbed the picnic basket by the handle and flung it into the air. "Whoops! There goes my clumsy side again! Oh no, it's going to fall on you, Phineas!" she said in a tempered voice of theatrical revealment as she dove on him to protect him.</p><p>"Oof!" Phineas was suddenly thrown on his back, with Phoebe laying on top of him, gazing in his eyes.</p><p>The basket softly landed clear on the other side of the blanket, nowhere near where they had been sitting.</p><p>"Are you okay, Phineas? That was dangerous!" Her face was inches apart from his. It was at this moment he realized that these girls were acting kind of strange. Phoebe's toned, athletic body was pressing against his chest, making his heart rate increase. Phineas felt his blood pressure spike and involuntarily began drooling. He gulped to swallow some of it down.</p><p>"You know, Phineas, compared to the other girls, I think you and I have the greatest connection."</p><p>His breathing became very shallow as she leaned in closer. <em>Holy guacamole! Is she trying to kiss me? Wait a second, have all these girls</em> <em>actually been hitting on me this whole time? Even after I told them Isabella was already my girlfriend!?</em></p><p>Phoebe licked her lips, which were just inches apart from his.</p><p>
  <em>I'm sorry, Isabella! I didn't realize this was going to happen! I just thought they were having fun building the slide and hanging out with us! I was a fool, I didn't mean for this to happen!</em>
</p><p>"Get off him!" Just like that, Phoebe's weight was yanked off of him.</p><p>"Hey, what gives you the right to―!"</p><p>"I'm the one he belongs with!" Phineas' arm was nearly ripped from its socket as he was whipped up so high his feet missed the ground and he came crashing back down, face first.</p><p>"Oof! Ow ow ow…" He had landed on something soft. When he opened his eyes, they immediately met up with Alexia's, making him suddenly realize he was now laying in the opposite position, directly on top of her.</p><p>"I can't ignore my feelings any longer," she whispered gently in his ear. "Phineas, I swear I will make you fall for me! You will be my groom!"</p><p><em>No! Isabella is already my girlfriend! All these girls are gorgeous, but I already promised myself to her, and I can't cheat on her now while we're still in the middle of our first date!</em> He thought that, but he couldn't raise himself off Alexia's body even the slightest, due to the planet's gravity. It took all he had just to lift his head an inch or two so that his lips wouldn't make contact with hers.</p><p>"Just give me your answer," Alexia continued. "Do you love me?"</p><p>"...!" Phineas strained, just concentrating on not letting his head droop any lower. "I―"</p><p>"Hey, just what are you trying to pull?" Phineas felt his body pulled up yet again, but he managed to land on his feet this time. There was a <em>thud,</em> and Phineas looked up to see Alexia rubbing the top of her head.</p><p>"Ow! Luna, what was that for?"</p><p>"You know exactly what! We all saw what you did, Alexia! You purposely made him fall on top of you, how despicable!" Luna exclaimed.</p><p>"Well what do you expect me to do after Phoebe pulled a stunt like that?"</p><p>"Shut up! You know he's not used to Yandaray's gravity yet, you could have hurt him!"</p><p>Phineas felt a rush of gratitude for the first person to finally understand his feelings. "Thank you, Luna!" he said while placing a hand on her shoulder, making her blush.</p><p>Alexia stopped rubbing her goose egg and put on a smug face. "Oho, so even you have fallen for him too, Luna?"</p><p>Luna blushed even more. "I said shut up!" she turned away and folded her arms tightly.</p><p>Cassie, the eldest, stood up and assumed center stage. "Ho hum, that was certainly entertaining, to say the least. I guess there's no hiding it any longer. Phineas, all six of us have fallen madly in love with you. So, which of us do you pick?―</p><p>"Is what I should say, but the truth is that I can't stand the thought of losing this battle to any of my sisters! You will be mine!"</p><p>"―Eh?"</p><p>Before anyone could react, Cassie swept Phineas up off his feet in the honeymoon carry and dashed off in the direction of the lush rainforest. "Sorry sisters, but as the oldest, I deserve to be the first to be married! It's only fair!"</p><p>Just like that, she disappeared into the dense foliage, carrying Phineas with her.</p><p>"Hey!" The five remaining sisters and Isabella all shouted in unison.</p><p>"No fair, Cassie!"</p><p>"That was way below the belt!"</p><p>"So much for all that talk of being the most mature out of all of us!"</p><p>"When I find her, I'm gonna kill her!"</p><p>"Agreed!"</p><p>"Let's get her!"</p><p>"Hey wait, don't leave me here all alone!" Isabella called, but in a flash, they had all taken off at full speed into the jungle. In contrast, Isabella slowly and shakily got to her feet and began putting one foot in front of the other, her legs about to buckle at any moment under the intense strain just walking put them under. After a few steps, she paused to catch her breath and realized how futile it was.</p><p>She looked in the direction of the jungle and clenched a fist. "This isn't over!"</p><hr/><p>After having been carried some distance into the lush vegetation, Phineas was set down. "What's going―"</p><p>"Shh!" Cassie laid a finger over his lips, silencing him, before diverting her eyes back into the depths of the rainforest. All her senses were cranked up on high alert, judging from the way her eyes darted back and forth and her head turned at the slightest noise. She was even sniffing the air a little. Phineas cast his eyes around as well, wondering what she was looking for, when suddenly―</p><p>"Get down!" Cassie pulled Phineas onto the ground, and not a moment later, a couple of darts sunk their way into the tree trunk directly behind them.</p><p>"Hey, sis!" From the shadows in the foliage a few feet away, a shape emerged and turned into the form of Galexia, who was grinning so widely it made her look like a crazed lunatic. In her hand was the pipe she had apparently used to blow the tranquilizers. "Hand over the boy and I might let you live!"</p><p>"I don't think so!" Cassie picked Phineas back up and made a run for it, narrowly avoiding another couple of darts as they bounced off a mossy boulder.</p><p>"Gotta get to the castle!" Cassie muttered under her breath, checking over her shoulder as she sprinted down a narrow pathway through the jungle. Carrying Phineas didn't seem to slow her down in the slightest.</p><p>"Hold on, Cassie! Wait!" Phineas tried. "I don't like this! Whatever you and your sisters are doing, it makes me feel like I'm some sort of prey!"</p><p>"Just hold on tight, Phineas! I'll keep you―"</p><p>
  <em>Whoosh!</em>
</p><p>"―safe?"</p><p>"Ah-hahahaaah!" A dark shape swung out of nowhere on a tree vine and snatched Phineas out of Cassie's arms. Phineas watched in a daze as innumerable branches and tree trunks were careening past in a blur when it clicked and he realized he was swinging through the canopy.</p><p>"I got you!" Phoebe said, shooting Phineas a toothy grin as she cradled him tightly with one arm, grasping onto a vine with the other.</p><p>"Phoebe, thank goodness! Cassie and Alexia are acting crazy! We need to―uh, Phoebe?"</p><p>A dark shadow crossed Phoebe's face. "Don't worry, Phineas, dear! It will all be over soon! Once I make you my groom, they won't be able to lay a finger on you!"</p><p>Phineas gulped. <em>Not her too!</em></p><p>Just then, Phoebe noticed another shadow leaping from branch to branch not far behind, seemingly keeping up with them. "Get lost!" she called over her shoulder. "This is <em>my </em>husband!"</p><p>"Not if I marry him first!" Miranda retorted, close on their tail. "Hyaa!" With a flick of her wrist, a pair of throwing stars shot from her fingers and sliced cleanly through Phoebe's vine, sending Phineas and her tumbling.</p><p>In this intense gravity, even short falls could be deadly, so Phineas braced himself―</p><p>Only to be caught in the waiting arms of Miranda, as Phoebe crashed to the ground in a crumpled heap. "Ow ow ow…" she winced, one of her legs twitching in the air.</p><p>"H-hi, Phineas," Miranda shyly blushed. "Could you please hold on tight? I can't afford to―"</p><p>"You snooze, you lose!" Phineas felt the whiplash as he was stolen once again, this time by Stella. "Sayonara, sistas!"</p><p>"Stella! Has the whole world gone crazy, or is it just me?"</p><p>"Oh, you're not crazy, Phineas! You're my Prince Charming, after all! As soon as we get to the castle, we can finally begin our own happily ever after!"</p><p>"...The whole world, then?" he repeated blankly.</p><p>Stella was galloping up a mountain path now, and the lush tropical jungle was beginning to thin. Phineas could tell he had been brought a substantial distance from the beach already, and none of these girls seemed the least bit tired.</p><p>"Okay, I'm trying to wrap my head around this," Phineas announced, putting together all the pieces of information he had. "You're taking me to a castle, where I'm guessing your mother is since she's the Queen, and you all want to marry me? And where's Isabella?"</p><p>"Don't think about the other girls, beloved. There's no need for you to worry about anything except for―a flying boulder!" Stella dug her heels into the ground, skidding to a halt. An instant later, a large boulder the size of a refrigerator smashed down into the pathway a short distance ahead of them, blocking the way.</p><p>Stella about faced and shouted, "Hey! That almost crushed us!"</p><p>Luna was approaching them from down the mountain path, cracking her knuckles. "Then you should really be more careful where you step."</p><p>"As if that had anything to do with it!"</p><p>Just then, a rumbling sound rattled from nearby, caused by another huge boulder being pushed aside. Miranda emerged from the spot onto the path. "Don't think you'll be settling this without me!"</p><p>"Ah-<em>aaaaah</em>-aaaaah!" Swinging from out of nowhere on a tree vine while whooping like Tarzan, Phoebe launched herself through the air and landed on the pathway beside them. "Don't worry, Phineas, dear! I'll take care of these pests, and then we can begin our honeymoon!" she said, rising from a crouch.</p><p>"You'll 'take care' of us?" Alexia chuckled with a twittering laugh that she half covered using the back of her hand, taking up a position in the circle they were forming. "As if!"</p><p>Last but not least, Cassie appeared out of the forest side of the path and took up a stance as well. "Oh, look! We're all back together again!"</p><p>All six sisters stood in a circle, facing each other. The tension in the air was so thick, Phineas figured it could be cut with a knife.</p><p>"Things are about to get messy, so here, you might want to take a step back." Stella gently placed Phineas down on his feet before returning to face the others. "Ah, so, this is it, huh? The final battle to determine which of us will be wedding Phineas?"</p><p>"Last one standing wins?"</p><p>"That's fine by me!"</p><p>"Yeah!"</p><p>"Me too!"</p><p>"Hyaaaah!"</p><p>All together, they charged the center of the circle they had formed, and in no time the area had become a puffy cloud of dirt. A mismatching hodgepodge of arms and legs were visibly swinging through gaps in the swirling dust.</p><p>As much as Phineas disliked violence, he had bigger problems. This was a matter of life and death. Trying not to be seen, he tiptoed along the edge of the pathway, using the cliff face to steady himself. <em>If I could just sneak past them without being noticed, I might have a chance to escape and get back to the beach</em>―he thought that, but the gravity was still too strong. After taking just a couple of steps, he was already beginning to feel winded and light-headed. His progress was further halted when Miranda smashed into the embankment directly in front of him, scattering small rocks and pebbles and severely cracking the base of the cliff.</p><p>She didn't seem harmed; in fact, she thoughtlessly extracted herself from the impression her body had cast in the solid rock, dusted herself off, and leapt back into the fray.</p><p>Phineas had to put his eyes back in their sockets after seeing this impressive display of strength and durability. "This is nuts! These Yandarians are scary strong!" He restarted his journey around the edge of the skirmish, muttering, "I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here!"</p><p>There was a conveniently sized branch laying on the ground nearby. Phineas thought he'd try using it as a walking stick, but when he attempted to lift it, it proved far too heavy to be of any use. Casting that thought aside, he continued his trek empty-handed.</p><p>Meanwhile, the free-for-all continued. The noise of the battle was truly, air-rendingly, earth-shakingly terrifying, to the point that some of the impacts were causing Phineas' bones to rattle.</p><p>"Kamelamela!"</p><p>"Radouken!"</p><p>"Hasengan!"</p><p>"Serious consecutive jabs!"</p><p>"Idaho Smash!"</p><p>"Falcon Crunch!"</p><p>At the six battle cries that rang to the sky like claps of thunder, he turned to see all six of the girls punching each other at once, sending a mighty shockwave through the air. It rippled and roared, creating a huge burst of energy, the wind of which caught Phineas. With nothing to brace himself with, the shockwave and subsequent blast of wind tossed him into the sky, like a baseball being hit on a home run.</p><p>"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" His silhouette turned into a distant speck in the sky.</p><p>"Phineas!" six female voices shouted in unison, all shocked by what they had accidentally done.</p><p>By some miracle, a river cutting through the mountain pass appeared below Phineas at the end of his fall, and he landed in the water with a splash. He paddled for air and broke his head out of the water, catching his breath.</p><p>"We're coming, Phineas!" he heard from somewhere nearby, but when he turned his head to look around, he realized how swift the stream's current was. The banks of the river on either side were rushing past. He was being swept away!</p><p>"This should take me back to the ocean," he told himself, and began doing the breaststroke to keep himself from hitting any of the rocks jutting out of the water. Glancing over his shoulder, the six sisters were ninja-running down the riverbanks parallel to him. He quickened his stroke, hoping to leave them behind and escape.</p><p>Then he noticed a sort of horizon line in the water ahead. The current was accelerating, and Phineas immediately knew what was about to happen next. "Oh no, oh no!" He swiftly turned about and frantically paddled the other way, but it was too late. The waterfall was quickly approaching, and within seconds, he reached the edge and tumbled over.</p><p>"Phineas!" someone called, but he was too busy waiting for his impending doom to turn and see what was happening behind him.</p><p>It was a cartoonishly long fall before he hit the water and blacked out.</p><hr/><p>He came to with a groan. Phineas opened his eyes and found himself in a lavishly decorated bedroom. He was laying on a four-poster bed, resting in between exquisitely soft sheets that felt like the finest silk.</p><p>"Good afternoon, master!"</p><p>He glanced at his side. A stunning brunette girl about his age was standing over him. She wore a strangely familiar black dress and accompanying white apron―the cliché outfit of a maid. High on her forehead, a cowlick caused a strand of hair at her crown to stand straight up. She flashed him a courteous smile and bowed. "Do not be alarmed! I am Callisto, here to serve you during your stay at Queen Lyra's castle. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask!"</p><p>"Callisto?" Phineas asked in a groggy voice.</p><p>"Please call me 'Callie!' Everyone does! Because of my cowlick, see?" She pointed cutely at the spot on her forehead. Just like all the other girls he had met on this planet, she was a knockout, and Phineas almost drooled in spite of himself.</p><p>"Callie, how did I get here?" he asked instead.</p><p>Callie gave him a warm smile. "The princesses brought you here. They said it was their fault you were knocked unconscious and wanted you to get rested up until you were feeling better."</p><p>"Oh, that's right," he said, remembering. "Well, it was their fault I nearly drowned, but if they saved my life, I guess I can't be too mad about it."</p><p>"Splendid!" Callie the maid clapped her hands and turned to a metal gurney. "If you are feeling up to it, I have prepared a small meal for you." She raised a silver lid from off a tray, revealing a steaming platter of hearty stew and instantly unleashing a pleasant aroma of food.</p><p>"Today's entre is twice-smoked boeuf bourguignon with fresh vegetables and herbs I picked this morning from the royal garden. To go with your dish, I have provided a variety of hand-kneaded and freshly baked bruschetta rolls topped with an olive-based vinaigrette and our head chef's signature fried seaskunk sauce. For the salad I hand-tossed some of our finest green-leafed koisogn stems with brachioberries and added a hint of lime, and to drink, lunksome gurglewarsh with a dash of sweetening cider. Please enjoy!"</p><p>Phineas blinked. "Did that whole line just roll off the tongue?" Then he smelled that heavenly aroma, and his stomach growled. "Well I am feeling pretty hungry, so I guess I'll dig in! Hrgh!" He tried to sit up, but was reminded that the planet's gravity was impeccably strong and didn't make it anywhere.</p><p>"Here, allow me!" Cassie helped him sit up with a smile, then passed the tray of food over and set it across his lap.</p><p>"Thanks," Phineas offered. "Um, where are the girls―I mean, the princesses?"</p><p>Callie tilted her head, ever smiling. "They are currently in an audience with the Queen. Once you are finished eating, I have been instructed to show you to the throne room to join them."</p><p>Phineas took a deep breath and nodded. "Right."</p><p>Taking a final bow, Callie let herself out of the room. Phineas reached out to grasp the nearest spoon―and found it too heavy to even lift.</p><p>"Callie?" he called.</p><p>"Yes, master?" she said, poking her head back in.</p><p>"It's kind of embarrassing, but I'm not used to this gravity yet, and, well, I couldn't even lift the spoon…"</p><p>"Allow me to assist!" She happily scooped up a bite of boeuf bourguignon, then softly blew to cool it and held it up to his mouth. "Here, say, 'Ah!'"</p><p>"Wha? The 'Say "Ah!" Game' again?"</p><hr/><p>"Your majesty, our guest has arrived. The Queen welcomes Phineas Flynn!"</p><p>Phineas was brought to a magnificent court with embroidered tapestries hanging from the walls. Massive stone pillars lined the hall, and the thick burgundy carpet underfoot was exquisitely soft. He passed through the golden archway at the entrance and lumbered down the aisle, barely managing to cross the court before needing to catch his breath. Callie accompanied him, and when they stopped, she dropped to her knees before the throne.</p><p>"Your majesty," she genuflected.</p><p>Phineas tried to do the same, shakily lowering his body, but ultimately losing the fight against the gravity and falling splat on his face. Now he could tell how squishy and soft the carpet really was. "Your majesty," he grumbled into the floor.</p><p>Callie quickly helped him stand back upright, and Phineas lifted his eyes.</p><p>The old woman seated on the throne was short, squat, and shriveled. She removed her thick grandma-style glasses, which had a necklace attachment, to breath on the lens and clean them with a handkerchief before placing them back on her wrinkly nose. Then she peered at Phineas more closely.</p><p>"Hmm," she hummed, before rising from her seat. Standing up, she was even shorter than when sitting on the throne. She reached for a walker at her side and, one step at a time, pushed her way down the six steps to be at his level. "Hmm."</p><p>She was scrutinizing him very intensely, and Phineas started to break into a sweat. Using her walker, she carted her way around him, never taking her eyes off him, getting a good view from every angle. Phineas, feeling more uncomfortable with each passing second, glanced around the room and saw the six sisters sitting on cushioned chairs to either side of the throne, all watching the proceedings with bated breath.</p><p>"Hmm." The Queen had almost finished her inspection, now standing at an angle behind Phineas' left shoulder. At last, she finally spoke. "He certainly is a handsome one, isn't he? What did you say your name was, son?"</p><p>"I'm Phineas! Phineas Flynn."</p><p>A beat.</p><p>Two beats.</p><p>Three.</p><p>"Well, that's the brightest smile I've seen all day, sunshine!" The Queen spanked Phineas' behind and roared with laughter, then pushed herself back up the stairs and retook her seat. Another maid, dressed identically to Callie, quickly moved the walker back to where it had initially been, back within reach at the Queen's side.</p><p><em>What in the world?</em> Phineas stood frozen to the spot, not knowing how to react to what had just happened.</p><p>As soon as she was settled back into her seat, the Queen closed her eyes and took a deep breath, relaxing. Then she reopened them and looked at Phineas with renewed interest. Tilting her head, she said, "My, my! You certainly are a handsome one, aren't you? What did you say your name was, son?"</p><p>"Mother!" Cassie jumped to her feet. "This is Phineas, the boy I brought home!"</p><p>"The boy <em>WE</em> brought home!" The other five girls quickly shouted.</p><p>"Ooh, you brought a man home? Good girls!" The Queen showered her daughters with her granny-like smile. "Oh, that takes me back to when I was a young, beautiful maiden! Oh, the men just couldn't keep their hands off of me! Of course, I remember the first man I brought home after returning from my first planet subjugation, oh yes, now that was a handsome man! Say, Cassie, dear, when are you going to go on your first subjugation?"</p><p>"Mother, the Galactic Hub doesn't let us subjugate planets anymore, remember?" Cassie said patiently.</p><p>"Really? Well, back in my day, we didn't give a hoot about anything that lot's boisterous boasts. My mother would not have tolerated those pencil-pushing peabrains for a single parsec." The Queen turned and saw Phineas, now looking at him like it was her first time meeting him. "Oh, you certainly are a handsome one, aren't you? What did you say your name was, son?"</p><p>Phineas was utterly confused. "Okay, what is going on?" he asked Callie under his breath.</p><p>Letting loose a sad sigh, the maid offered, "The Queen's condition has been getting worse and worse lately. Her memory isn't nearly what it once was."</p><p>Phineas deadpanned. "You're being ruled by this old fogey with Alzheimer's?"</p><p>"I'm afraid so," Callie explained. "And if a new Queen is not crowned in time, our society could crumble."</p><p>"Callie, my ears aren't working as well as they used to, what are you saying?"</p><p>"Eh?" Callie turned red and bowed. "Apologies, your majesty!"</p><p>"Aren't you going to introduce me to this handsome young man? Oh, he really is quite the looker!" The Queen leaned forward and fixed a strand of her thinning white hair. "By chance, are you diabetic? Because I'll raise your blood sugar for you, baby!" She wagged her eyebrows at him while gyrating her shoulders suggestively.</p><p>"Blrgh!" Phineas had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep from vomiting. "I think I might be sick…"</p><p>"Mother!"</p><p>The Queen chuckled and waved it off. "I kid, I kid! (But really, who is this man?)"</p><p>Cassie rushed over and grabbed hold of Phineas by the crook of his arm. "Mother, remember how you said that whichever of us brought home a man first got to marry him?"</p><p>"I did? Well, I think I remember saying something like that…"</p><p>"HEY!" The five other girls rushed forward, each of them grabbing at a part of Phineas as well. "We all brought him here together!"</p><p>"Yeah, Cassie, you're back to using dirty tricks again!"</p><p>"Mother, don't let Cassie take all the credit! We really all worked equally hard to bring him home with us!"</p><p>"Yeah, don't listen to Cassie!"</p><p>"Hey, don't all of you try so hard to make me sound like some trickster!"</p><p>"Ow, ow ow! You're all sort of crushing me, I can't breath!" Phineas gasped.</p><p>"Hmm," The Queen struck a thoughtful pose. "Yes, one of you will need to become Queen after me, and you are all at a marriageable age. But if it was a six-way tie, then who should get the husband?"</p><p>Phineas took advantage of the pause to interrupt. "Could we please not talk about me like it's already been decided that I'm going to marry someone here?"</p><p>"What are you talking about?" The Queen stated. "We haven't had a man visit our planet since I was their age. Naturally, you will be Yandaray's next King. The only question is, who will be its Queen?"</p><p>Phineas' jaw dropped. "But―but―but―" he but-butted.</p><p>The Queen clapped her hands together, as if she had come to a decision. "All right! This boy shall be wed to my oldest daughter, Andromeda!" she announced to the court.</p><p>Everyone shared a concerned glance. "But Mother," Cassie raised her voice, "you banished big sis Andromeda two years ago!"</p><p>"I did?"</p><p>"Yes! But if you want Phineas to go to the eldest, then I will be more than happy to―"</p><p>"What did I banish Andromeda for again?"</p><p>Everyone in the room fell flat on their backs, aside from the Queen and Phineas.</p><hr/><p>"So you're telling me that not only can you not step foot on that planet because you were banished by its Queen, but also that if <em>I</em> go down there, I'll be forced into marrying one of the princesses and become its new King?"</p><p>Andromeda nodded her head at Captain Jabberwock's satisfactory summary.</p><p>"Well that's not so bad, is it? After all, Yandarians are well known for being some of the prettiest women in all the galaxy. And just imagine how rich I would become if I were King of an entire planet!" He looked intrigued by the prospect.</p><p>"You would have nothing. Men have no rights or wealth on Yandaray―not even the King."</p><p>"Then what's the point of having a King?"</p><p>"The King's purpose is to provide offspring for the Queen. A single Yandarian Queen can lay millions of eggs, but there is one problem―they are all female. That is why there are no male Yandarians. But the species evolved to have great genetic adaptability, so the Queen is reproductively compatible with virtually any male life form. That is why Yandarians are so strong and beautiful; we have an extremely diverse genetic code, accumulated through many generations of conquering and acquiring the best parts of other species' DNA across the Milky Way."</p><p>"I get it, I get it. Look, you can stay here in orbit, but I'm going down there to get our bounty. If I don't get her those kids, the Shipper won't give me the amulet, and I'll be stuck with my 'condition' forever. So it's a risk I'll have to take. I'll be back in three Necturtian shakes."</p><p>With no more discussion to be had, Captain Jabberwock took the rental ship's spare pod and ejected, headed for the planet surface.</p><p>Once the ship's scanners indicated he had entered Yandaray's atmosphere, Andromeda lowered her head and whispered, "Please be careful."</p><hr/><p>"Mother, Andromeda isn't on Yandaray anymore, remember?"</p><p>"She isn't? Well, of course I remember! My memory is like a steel trap!"</p><p>"Riiiight. But as the second-eldest, I suppose that makes me next in line, so to speak―"</p><p>"No fair, Cassie!"</p><p>"You always use your age to get what you want!"</p><p>"Phineas would definitely be happiest with me!"</p><p>"Get a grip, Stella! With your cooking, you'd end up poisoning him! He should have a wife who is a good housekeeper, like me!"</p><p>"I think he'd actually prefer a tomboy who likes roughhousing and doing manly guy stuff with him!"</p><p>"Owowow, please stop pulling on me, everyone! I feel like I'm about to be ripped in half! Don't I get a say in this?"</p><p>"The boy has a point," The Queen said, putting an end to the fighting. "Well then, which of my daughters will you pick for your bride?"</p><p>Phineas gasped upon being released, allowing him to finally catch his breath. Rubbing his shoulders, he declared, "I already have a girlfriend! I told you all earlier, Isabella is who I want to be with!"</p><p>Phineas shuddered at the number of death glares now being sent his way from every angle.</p><p>The Queen rose to her feet. "How bold of you to refuse all of my daughters," she glowered, sending frightened shivers up Phineas' spine. "You must have quite the strong resolve if you can stand up to the Queen of Yandaray!" She paused and allowed a smug grin to cross her face. Wiping a tiny amount of drool off her face with her sleeve, she declared, "If that is your choice, I suppose there is only one way to settle this. Young man, by my decree, you will be marrying all six of my daughters, so that you can raise up all the more seed for my kingdom! You may hardly be able to stand in our planet's gravity, but you have shown that you possess tremendous strength of a different kind! Pass that strength on to my granddaughters, and make the proud Yandarian race a people who are feared throughout the galaxy once again!"</p><p>In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 7: What's The Harm In Having A Harem?</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Preview</em>
</p><p>"<em>All six of them? I can't marry six girls at once! That's gotta be illegal, right?"</em></p><p>"<em>There are no laws forbidding polygamy on Yandaray."</em></p><p>"<em>That's right! Whatever the Queen says goes!"</em></p><p>"<em>Fufufu, Phineas dear, I can't wait until our loins unite!"</em></p><p>"<em>I want you to give me lots of strong and beautiful daughters!"</em></p><p>"<em>I already have the first million names picked for our children, Phineas!"</em></p><p>"<em>M-m-million? Just how many children can Yandarians have?"</em></p><p>"<em>Fufufufu!" x6</em></p><p>"<em>There will be a lot of mouths to feed. I hope you are ready to work hard to provide for our families!"</em></p><p>"<em>That is, when you aren't busy attending to your other Queens in their bedrooms!"</em></p><p>"<em>Fufufu!" x6</em></p><p>"<em>...AAAAAYYYYYIIIIIEEEEE! I GOTTA GET OFF THIS PLANEEEET! Isabella, saaave meeee!"</em></p><p>Next time on Lovetopia: <em>We Who Are About To Wed Salute You!</em></p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Fan's Notes: Character Bios</strong>
</p><p><strong>Queen Lyra<br/></strong> <strong>Homeworld: Yandaray<br/></strong> <strong>Species: Yandarian (Note: Yandarians are always female)<br/></strong> <strong>Ht: 4'5"/1.35 m. Wt: 81 lbs./36.7 kg. Age: 43 Yandarian years/41.3 Earth years. Eye color: Black.<br/></strong> <strong>Queen of Yandaray and the Matriarch of all living Yandarians. Once highly feared and loved throughout the galaxy, Queen Lyra lived a life full of adventure and romance, until finally losing the battle of the Crab Nebula to an alliance of nearly 1,000 systems in the Galactic Hub, ending Yandarian expansionism. She now battles her greatest enemy, Alzheimer's Disease. Likes strong men and the smell of victory after battle.</strong></p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Fan's Notes: Galactic Geography</strong>
</p><p><strong>Planet: Yandaray, Libra Formation<br/></strong> <strong>Period of Rotation: 27 hours<br/></strong> <strong>Distance from star: ~1 AU (93 million miles/150 million km)<br/></strong> <strong>Period of Revolution: 338.2 Yandarian days/380.5 Earth days<br/></strong> <strong>Surface gravity: 3.0 G's</strong></p><p>
  <strong>Yandarians were an aggressive colonial society specializing in warfare until the Crab Nebula Treaty brought Yandarian colonization of the Milky Way to an end. This Amazonian, all-female society is split into three groups. First is the queen Yandarian, who stands as the matriarch of the whole species and governs absolutely. Sometimes, there are multiple queens, although this frequently leads to internal fighting between the queens, even when they are ruling from different worlds.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>A queen can lay as many as 10 million eggs a year, which quickly hatch into the second and largest group, working class Yandarians. Though infertile, worker Yandarians develop quickly and are already highly skilled in both domestic and military affairs by their first birthday. Worker Yandarians are fiercely loyal to their queen, not hesitating to sacrifice their lives for the colony if necessary.</strong>
</p><p><strong>The princess </strong> <strong>class Y</strong> <strong>andarians account for the third group. When a queen passes on, all her working class daughters expire soon after, and the colony starts over with a princess class Yandarian becoming the new queen. It is she who assumes the task of repopulating the planet.</strong></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. We Who Are About To Wed Salute You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"As Queen, I decree that this man shall marry all six of my daughters!" Queen Lyra pointed at Phineas.</p><p>His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, and he spontaneously began hyperventilating. "Heek-<em>woo!</em> Heek-<em>woo!</em>" The air made a high-pitched whistle as he sucked it between his teeth.</p><p>"I call being his first wife!" Cassie jubilantly shot a fist in the air, her other arm being still wrapped around the crook of Phineas' elbow. "As the oldest, it is my birthright, after all!"</p><p>"Then I get to be his second! We'll do it by age!" Stella latched onto Phineas' other arm with a smirk.</p><p>"Wha―wait! I can't marry all of you! Isn't there some law against that?"</p><p>"Yandaray has no laws against polygamy," Miranda breathlessly pointed out. "Whatever the Queen says is law."</p><p>Phineas gulped.</p><p>Phoebe sidled up beside Phineas as well. "Fufufu! Phineas dear, I can't wait until our honeymoon! They say that on a couple's first night together, they have the world's best pillow fight!"</p><p>Phineas had puffed out his cheeks in desperation and was making squelching noises by letting the air escape.</p><p>"I'm especially looking forward to starting our family together!" Alexia cooed softly into his ear. "We can take it slow at first; perhaps only start with a hundred thousand children and grow from there."</p><p>"And I already have the first million names picked for our children, Phineas!"</p><p>"M-million?" he squeaked. "H-how many children can Yandarians have?"</p><p>"Fufufu!" The sisters twittered in unison.</p><p>"Let's just say there will be a lot of mouths to feed. I hope you are prepared to work hard to provide for all our families!"</p><p>"That is, when you aren't busy attending to your other Queens in their bedrooms!"</p><p>With those words, Phineas' hyperventilation reached its peak, and he emitted a tiny squeak. Just like that, his eyes rolled back into his head, and he fainted.</p><hr/><p>"Phineas, Phineas, can you hear us? Wake up!" The six sisters were gathered around Phineas' limp body. A few of them were fanning his face with their hands.</p><p>Phineas grunted and furrowed his eyebrows. "Uwoh, I'm okay, just give me a second."</p><p>"I'm embarrassed to have such a wimp for a fiancé!" With that, Luna slapped him across the cheek. "Wake up!"</p><p>"Ow! I'm awake! I'm awake!" He rubbed his hand-shaped welt.</p><p>"C'mon, let's get you up on your feet." The girls helped him stand.</p><p>"So, now that our engagement is in order, Mother, when will the wedding ceremony be held?"</p><p>"Eh? Wedding ceremony? What wedding? Who's getting married?" The Queen looked around at all of them in confusion.</p><p>"We are! You just said Phineas would be marrying all of us!"</p><p>"I did? Who is Phineas?"</p><p>"This boy we brought home! How have you forgotten everything already?"</p><p>"Ooh, you certainly are a handsome one, aren't you?" The Queen waggled her eyebrows in Phineas' direction. "How about marrying me instead?"</p><p>"Mother!"</p><p>"I kid! I kid! Hohohoho!" The Queen covered her mouth as she twittered. "What good girls you are! About time you brought home a man. When are you marrying him?"</p><p>"That's what we're asking you!"</p><p>"Well, when you're in love, there's no reason to wait around, is there? After all, I am an old lady, and I don't want to miss my daughters' big day. Let's have the wedding immediately!"</p><p>"R-right now?!" Stella stepped forward. "That won't work! What about the invitations? The cake? My dress?"</p><p>"Hey, she's got a point! I want a nice wedding too!"</p><p>"Yeah, me too! With lots of pink banners and flowers lining the aisle and all my friends as bridesmaids…"</p><p>"It would take days or even weeks to get everything ready though! I want to marry Phineas as soon as possible!"</p><p>"Then what if we don't go too overboard in making it fancy? Let's just have a nice and simple wedding here in the castle. Something like that would only take two or three days to set up."</p><p>"Wait, a wedding? Who's getting married?" interjected the Queen.</p><p>Everyone collectively sighed. Phineas couldn't help but feel bad for their mother's state. Even so―</p><p>"Hey, didn't you say that whatever the Queen says goes?" he asked, getting an idea. The Queen couldn't seem to hold a conversation for more than a minute, yet her word was legally binding. Perhaps he could find a way to cross her up? It might be a tad dishonest, but he was desperate.</p><p>"Your majesty?" He stepped forward, getting the Queen's attention. "As I seem to recall, you were just saying a minute ago that I could choose who I wanted to marry, isn't that right?"</p><p>"Oh? Did I say that?" asked the Queen.</p><p>"Hey, what are you up to?" the sisters followed up.</p><p>"That's right!" Phineas ignored the girls. "In fact, she's a girl I'm positively head over heels for, and you wouldn't want to get in the way of true love, right?"</p><p>"Ooh!" The Queen's eyes lit up. "This sounds interesting!"</p><p>"It is!" Phineas wiggled his way out of the grip of the girls, dodging the glares they were tossing his way like knives. "So, with your permission, I'll just take my leave and go―uh, continue on with my life, and continue dating Isabella, and hopefully even marrying her someday, right, your Majesty? I remember you saying just a minute ago you wanted me to marry the girl I love, so you'll let me do that, right?"</p><p>"Did I say that?" The Queen put her hand to her chin in thought? "I do remember saying something…"</p><p>"It's just a simple 'yes' or 'no' question." Phineas bore down on her short frame with a smile. "Will you let me go be with the girl I―oof!"</p><p><em>Klonk!</em> Phineas' eyes rolled back into his head and he slumped to the floor.</p><p>"Whoops! My hand slipped! There I go, being clumsy again!" Phoebe stuck her tongue out and punished herself for hitting Phineas by applying a playful noogie to the side of her own head.</p><p>"Good work, Phoebe!" Cassie gave her sister the thumb's up. "He was this close to ruining everything!"</p><p>"No, not good work!" Luna shouted, kneeling at Phineas' side. "I think you killed him, Phoebe! Look, I think I see his spirit leaving his mouth!"</p><p>"Thatta girl, Phoebe!" complimented Queen Lyra. "That was a rock-solid punch! As expected of one of my daughters!"</p><p>"Don't compliment her! Get Phineas a doctor!"</p><p>"It's just that it was so moving to see…" Queen Lyra softened. "In fact, it's got me in the mood for a tournament arc! By my decree, that's how we'll decide which of you gets to be his first wife!"</p><p>"How about you decree we get him some medical treatment?!"</p><hr/><p>When Phineas came to, his head was throbbing. He found himself in the same bed as before, a clean white bandage wrapped around his head.</p><p>"Oh, good! You're awake!" The maid Callie smiled in relief. "It would not have been good for you to die so close to your wedding date, master!"</p><p>"Ungh…" Phineas groaned as he sank deeper into the pillow, seriously considering whether death wasn't a worse fate than what he had been dealt. "I need to get out of here…"</p><p>"By the way, I was told to inform you that a tournament will be held tomorrow between the princesses," Callie dutifully reported. "The outcome will determine the order in which the princesses will be arranged as your wives."</p><p>Phineas didn't think he fully comprehended that statement, but he said, "Hey, Callie, can I ask you something? You said it was your duty to help me in any way I needed, didn't you?"</p><p>"That's correct."</p><p>"In that case, I got a whopper for you. Would it be too much to ask of you to help me sneak out of here and run away before they marry me off?"</p><p>"That would go against the Queen's wishes, which is contrary to my primary directive."</p><p>"I was afraid you'd say that."</p><p>"However, you are free to roam about the castle as you please. Nowhere is off limits for the future King, not even the Queen's personal quarters! In fact, she specifically mentioned how happy she would be if you were to―</p><p>"No way is that happening!"</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>"Plus, I can barely walk in this gravity, so I guess this is basically the same as being under house arrest."</p><p>"Not to worry! The princesses and Queen took your needs under consideration and decided to give you this, to assist with your mobility while you acclimatize to Yandaray's gravity!" She gestured palm up towards an item at the foot of the bed. Phineas raised his head to see the indicated object was the Queen's walker, positioned at a convenient angle so he could easily reach it.</p><p>Phineas let his head drop back against the pillow. "Pft! Yeah right! There is no way I'm using that!"</p><p>"Well, I shall let you get your rest!" Callie moved toward the door. "Call me if you need anything else!" With that, she departed, leaving him completely alone.</p><p>Phineas glanced back at the walker. Nobody was watching him at the moment. If it meant his escape, it might be worth using―</p><p>"Definitely not gonna happen!" He rolled over to face away from the walker. There are some things in life are things you just can't submit to as a matter of a man's pride.</p><p>One hour later, he was frantically pushing his way down the hallway, using the walker to hold himself up. "Where's the bathroom? I gotta pee so badly!"</p><hr/><p>In a safe orbit high above the surface of Yandaray, Andromeda was alerted to an incoming call. She tapped the screen, and an image of the Captain's buyer, the Shipper, flashed into view.</p><p>"I just received the package you delivered from Keturah," the Shipper said, a dark shadow crossing her face. "I asked Captain Jabberwock to retrieve a device capable of purifying or purging anything. What I received was―"</p><p>The Shipper paused for dramatic effect. Andromeda narrowed her eyes, but showed no other reaction as she braced herself for the bad news.</p><p>"What I received was―exactly what I wanted, the De-Love-Inator satellite! Do you have any idea how incredibly useful this satellite is? It can not only purge all the love out of a single person; given enough power, it could eradicate all love on an entire planet! With this device, I am one step closer to achieving my ultimate dreams!"</p><p>Andromeda hid her sigh of relief behind her poker mask. "Congratulations, ma'am."</p><p>"Yes, of course, I didn't call you simply to celebrate. You see, the De-Love-Inator will need some modifications before it is ready to suit my needs. As it turns out, there is something else I will need you to collect for me. And what a coincidence? Your ship's coordinates are exactly where I wanted you to go.</p><p>"It is said that there is a rare perfume produced only on Yandaray using the Queen's pheromones. It is an aphrodasiac so intoxicating, they call it the 'love potion,' because it can make any man instantly fall in love with whoever is wearing it. With a vial of that love potion, I should be able to reverse the polarity of the De-Love-Inator, and I'll finally be able to―whoopsie, it's still too soon to give away my final plan just yet!"</p><p>"I'll let the Captain know right away," Andromeda said frostily. "Anything else?"</p><p>"No, that is all. Er, actually, while you're at it, could you also give that Captain of yours a big hug and a kiss? Just for me? If possible, make a recording and forward me the video as well! Ehehehehe!" The Shipper laughed as she brought a handkerchief to her face to treat a spontaneous nosebleed, which had afflicted her from seemingly nowhere.</p><p>Andromeda delivered her an icy glare before swiping the console, ending the call.</p><hr/><p>Dusk had come and gone, and the castle had settled in for another beautiful night in paradise on Yandaray. The windows carved high into the stone walls let in the silvery light of Yandaray's moon and two accompanying moonmoons, which is what any natural satellites orbiting around a planet's moon are colloquially known as. Cassie, the oldest non-banished princess of Yandaray, used the light to sneak softly down the corridor in her nightdress.</p><p>She thought she was alone, but when she reached the door to Phineas' room, she sensed a presence lurking in the shadows. "Who's there?" she whispered.</p><p>"Cassie?" Stella stepped into view. "What are you doing here?"</p><p>"I was just making a trip to the restroom is all. More importantly, what are <em>you</em> doing here?"</p><p>"You expect me to believe that? It's obvious that I have caught you sneaking into Phineas' room in the dead of night."</p><p>Cassie sniffed the air. "<em>You</em> caught <em>me?</em> Then care to explain that fragrance? You stole some of Mother's special perfume, didn't you?"</p><p>"Eh? Y-you must be mistaken… There was an extra bottle in the bathroom I didn't recognize, so I simply tried a dash to see what it was…"</p><p>"You expect me to believe that?" Cassie crossed her arms.</p><p>Stella sighed. "It seems we both came here for the same reason. But I was here first, so scram! Shoo!"</p><p>"I'm not a stray! And don't think I'm about to let you enter Phineas' room alone while wearing that!"</p><p>"I should be saying the same about you! You better go cover up, or someone might get the wrong impression!"</p><p>The two girls growled at each other, glaring with an intensity that seemed to light up the corridor with sporadic jolts of static electricity.</p><p>"Guys, enough with the fighting!" Alexia suddenly appeared, wiping her eyes sleepily. "Why don't we just all sleep in Phineas' bed?"</p><p>Stella and Cassie turned their backs to each other and crossed their arms. "Fine! But only because someone needs to be making sure <em>she</em> doesn't try anything with him!" they said in unison.</p><p>"C'mon, let's just go in already," Alexia yawned, pushing open the bedroom door. "Assuming we haven't already woken him up with all this noise―huh?"</p><p>The three sisters took one step inside and stopped when they heard something coming from deeper in the room.</p><p>"Oh Phineas, you're so warm and squishy! So soft! Hyumhyumhyumhyum…"</p><p>"Who is that purring like a kitten under the covers with Phineas!?" the sisters demanded, grabbing the blanket together and ripping it off the bed.</p><p>"Oops! Uh, hi!?" Phoebe's visage blushed from the shadows, her arms and legs wrapped around―</p><p>"A decoy!" the sisters all realized at once. Phoebe relinquished the full-size body pillow, which had a red-orange wig taped to the top.</p><p>"So that's why he was so soft…" Phoebe said, scratching her head.</p><p>"And what about the fact that he was missing his arms and legs? When were you going to realize that?"</p><p>"Well, you know me, I'm the clumsy one!"</p><p>"Being clumsy doesn't make you forget people have arms and legs!"</p><p>"Yeah, but he is an alien. Maybe he takes them off in his sleep? You never know…"</p><p>"Maybe we should start calling you the stupid one or the ditzy one instead of the clumsy one!"</p><p>"Girls! Girls! Girls!" Cassie halted the bickering. "None of that is important right now! The important thing is that Phineas is probably wandering around somewhere, lost and alone! We need to go look for him!"</p><p>"He's probably trying to escape."</p><p>"Now now, we shouldn't jump to conclusions."</p><p>"Who's jumping to conclusions? You remember when he tried to trick Mother into letting him go earlier?"</p><p>"If he is trying to escape, it's because he only loves me and can't stand the thought of being married to all the rest of you!"</p><p>Just then, the light switch clicked on, illuminating the room. "Hey, Phineas, can we sleep in here with―"</p><p>Luna and Miranda dropped short where they stood at the doorway, the looks on their faces showing their surprise at how crowded the room was. All six sisters stared blankly at each other.</p><p>Then Miranda slammed the door closed on the four who had just been bickering inside.</p><p>"Hey! Don't pretend like we weren't here!" Stella shouted, wrenching the door open again.</p><p>"You all snuck into Phineas' room to try to sleep with him!" Luna accused flatly, with a finger point.</p><p>"Takes one to know one!" Alexia shot back.</p><p>"Okay, look," Cassie ejaculated, "we're all guilty, so let's just move on! Obviously, Phineas snuck out, and it's up to us to find him, so let's make it a competition―a little warm-up for the tournament tomorrow! Whoever finds Phineas first gets to have the closest spot to him on the bed. Agreed?"</p><p>There was a general mutter of consent.</p><p>"Then let the hunt begin! Oooooon-yourmarkgetsetgo!" Cassie quickly dashed out of the room first, before the others could react.</p><p>"What the?! Cheater!"</p><p>"Cassie's up to her old tricks again!"</p><p>"Get back here!"</p><p>The rest of the sisters took off after her into the night.</p><hr/><p>Phineas rhythmically thrusted out into the darkness with the walker, breathing heavily as he continued putting more distance between himself and the castle. Even if he felt like an old man using this thing, he had to admit, it really helped him move much more easily.</p><p>The steep trail cutting across the mountainous terrain behind the castle didn't do him any favors. As soon as he'd exited the castle, he discovered there was a quaint village extending from the foothills, starting at the castle's front gates, and stretching down into the valley. Therefore, he chose this more difficult path, hoping not to be spotted. Plus, his sense of direction told him the other side of the mountain was where Isabella and the ship were at. He just hoped he could make the crossing before anyone discovered he had run away.</p><p>"Aha!" Something appeared out of nowhere directly in front of him. Phineas jumped back at the movement.</p><p>"P-Phoebe?" He recognized the silhouette by the light of the three moons. Phoebe was hanging from a vine upside-down at about eye level, arms crossed, grinning.</p><p>"Looks like I found you, honey!" She reached out to embrace him, but Phineas dodged her arms. "Shoot!"</p><p>In a panic, Phineas did the equivalent of sprinting with the walker, shuffling as fast as he could.</p><p>"Uh-oh," Phoebe said as she tried to move after him, but the vine somehow got knotted up around her ankle, holding her back. She reached for her foot and wrestled with the branches. "Grk! Gotta―get―loose!"</p><p>"I heard something! Over there!"</p><p>Another one of the girls' voices was close by. Phineas pushed around a bend and hid behind a tree, gasping for air, but trying his best to do so without making noise.</p><p>A shadow emerged on the far side of the tree. He held his breath, sweating bullets. The silhouette approached the tree he was hiding behind. One hand appeared around the side of the trunk, and Phineas reactively slid around behind the opposite side, narrowly avoiding being seen.</p><p>Then, sensing the presence coming now back round to check this other side, he shuffled around again, just as a hand appeared on the spot he had been only moments before. There was a sniffing sound coming from the space behind the stump. He waited, watching the hand with trepidation.</p><p><em>Crack!</em> A twig snapped in the background.</p><p>"I gotcha now!" The hand flew from the tree trunk as the shadow dove into the bushes.</p><p><em>Crash! </em>The owner of the hand pounded into the nearby foliage.</p><p>"Hey, Stella, that's me!"</p><p>"Alexia?"</p><p>"No-o, the President of the Galaxy!"</p><p>"Sorry! I thought you were Phineas!"</p><p>"Get off me!"</p><p>Phineas tiptoed silently away, adrenaline spiking. He'd barely escaped that one, but he needed an idea, fast. <em>Think, think!</em> He racked his brain.</p><p>"Hey, what's that?" another one of the girls shouted, and it sounded like they were coming his way.</p><p>"Do you see that? Up ahead? Is that him?"</p><p>"Yes, I see it! The walker, the triangular head, there's no mistaking it! There he is!"</p><p>"You're as good as mine now, baby!"</p><p>Miranda and Luna rushed forward, clearly seeing Phineas' profile outlined against the backdrop of a patch of moonlight. Racing each other neck and neck, the moment they were within range, they dove for the dark image and grabbed hold.</p><p>"Aha! I got you! Wait, this is..."</p><p>"No way, I was here first―huh?"</p><p>The sisters looked more closely at the triangular shape they were hugging. Now that they could see it, it was definitely―</p><p>A logic-defying, triangular-shaped, giant mushroom, with two twigs stabbed into the stem to look like arms attached to a body holding the walker.</p><p>"Aw geez, it's just a mushroom!"</p><p>"But this is definitely his walker! He can't have gone far without it!"</p><p>Phineas held his breath from behind a tree stump, waiting for the footsteps to fade away. After the girls had moved sufficiently far off, he finally allowed himself to inhale, panting softly for air, his heart still pounding.</p><p>"Whew! That was too close," he whispered.</p><p>No sooner than he had, an arm shot out from the opposite side of the stump, an impossibly strong hand catching his collar in a vice-like grip. The arm's owner lifted him off the ground and brought him round into view, and Phineas looked into the eyes of Cassie, the oldest princess-sister. "I win," she smugly said.</p><p>"How did you find me?" Phineas gasped.</p><p>"By feeling your air," Cassie responded. "After hiking up the mountain and then running from us like that in this gravity, you couldn't hold your breath forever."</p><p>
  <strong>(Fan's Notes: Yandarian Biology Trivia</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Yandarians evolved a small, unique organ posterior to the nasal cavity, near the base of the brain, called a nastroumtis. This organ grants them a specialized sense: the perception of air flows and air currents, which allows them to "see"―or perhaps, "smell"―the movement of air particles in their surroundings. No other species in the galaxy has been found to have an analogous organ, nor shown signs of possessing this peculiar extra sense.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Some scientists have theorized that the nastroumtis helps Yandarians react faster to certain threats in the thick of battle, such as projectiles. There are also recorded instances of Yandarians using their extra sense of air movements for tracking and hunting respirating prey as far as fifty meters away.</strong>
</p><p>―<strong>Taken from Gulliver's notes on Yandarians)</strong></p><p>In no time at all, Phineas found himself back in the king-sized poster bed in the castle, now with six beautiful Yandarian girls snuggled up closely with their arms about him, three to a side. The peaceful sounds of gentle snoring filled the room, but Phineas knew he would be getting no sleep tonight.</p><hr/><p>He fell asleep after all. Turns out being placed in a high gravity environment increases one's metabolic rate and tires the body much faster, his scientific brain would later realize. But that thought provided little comfort the next morning when he opened his eyes and remembered where he was.</p><p>The six sisters were laying beside him, most of them still asleep.</p><p>"Good morning, Phineas," Cassie cooed contentedly, their faces inches apart. "Would you like breakfast? A bath? Or," she licked her lips seductively, "would you rather have―me?"</p><p>She ended the sentence with a cute wink, but her face quickly contorted when an unidentified fist was cordially introduced to the back of her cranium. "Ow!" She rubbed the spot vigorously.</p><p>"You don't get to say lines like that until after you're married!" Luna seethed.</p><p>"Fine, fine," Cassie sighed. "It'll just have to wait until after the tournament." She leaned over and whispered in Phineas' ear, "To be continued."</p><p>Phineas bolted upright, in spite of the gravity. "Okay, nature is calling, so let me up!" His tone was less of a statement and more of a plea.</p><hr/><p>Captain Jabberwock strolled through the outskirts of a small town located at the feet of a majestic mountain pass, overlooked by a picturesque, fairytale castle. It was dawn, and the pastures of exotic domesticated animals were just beginning to come alive.</p><p>His muscular physique was not bothered by the planet's gravity in the slightest; in fact, he felt energized by it, like the enervating feeling one gets breathing crisp alpine air on a morning hike.</p><p>He saw movement coming from a small cottage down the road. A couple of young, attractive women, dressed in laborers' attire akin to a peasant woman's full dress and apron from the Middle Ages, were setting out on their morning chores.</p><p>"Excuse me," he called out, holding up an image. "I'm looking for these two Earthlings. Have you seen them?"</p><p>The women dropped the buckets they were carrying and immediately ran up to him, completely ignoring the display.</p><p>"Ooh, you're a man!"</p><p>"I've never seen a real man before!"</p><p>"Look at how big his arms are! Squeee!"</p><p>The Captain brushed them off. "Here, take a good look at these images. Are you sure you haven't seen this boy and girl around here?"</p><p>"Forget about them, you can have me!"</p><p>"What's the matter, baby? Am I not pretty enough for you?"</p><p>Captain Jabberwock growled in frustration, baring his fangs. "Look, I don't have time to play games!"</p><p>"Good! Then we can just cut to the good stuff!" The women smilingly latched on to his arms and directed him toward the cottage.</p><p>"Hold on, let go!" Captain Jabberwock yanked to free himself, and was extremely surprised when neither of the women gave an inch. "Huh? You resisted my muscles? <em>My </em>muscles?"</p><p>"My my, we found a strong one, didn't we, sister?"</p><p>"Yes, sister! This will be even more fun than I imagined!"</p><p>"Hey, wait! Stop! Let go of me!" Captain Jabberwock struggled, but their grips held all the more firmly. The two women looked up at him, and though they were smiling, something in their smiles glinted a certain way that made this hardened space pirate realize what made Yandarians so feared throughout the galaxy.</p><p>"Come this way, mister, and let's get to know each other a bit better!" The worker Yandarians leaned forward, pressing their bosoms firmly against the space pirate.</p><p>A certain highly undignified and unmanly scream was heard echoing across the valley that morning.</p><p>
  <strong>(Fan's Notes: Yandarian Biology Trivia</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>Although worker Yandarians are infertile, they still share the Yandarian Queen's notoriously strong libido.)</strong>
</p><hr/><p>The bright yellow sun was already high in the sky as huge crowds gathered from all across the planet, quickly filling the amphitheater-style seats of a massive stone building in the town below the castle. The venue was not a far cry architecturally from the Roman Coliseum, Phineas thought.</p><p>He was seated in the royalty box close to the Queen, dressed in the perfectly tailored suit of a groom. The wedding would be held immediately after a winner to today's tournament was decided, and there was nowhere for him to run now.</p><p><em>I wonder what Isabella is doing right now,</em> he wondered. <em>I wish I at least had the chance to tell her how I feel.</em></p><p>"My sisters, welcome one and all!" A loud announcer's voice boomed throughout the stadium. "The Princess Tournament will now begin!"</p><p>The stadium boomed and thundered with cheers and applause.</p><p>"You all know our princesses! Princess Cassiopeia! Princess Stella! Princess Phoebe! Princess Miranda! Princess Galexia! And, last but not least, Princess Luna!"</p><p>The six sisters stood in a line at the center of the stadium, dressed in their battle gear, solemnly awaiting the start of the tourney.</p><p>The announcer continued. "The rules are simple! The challengers will take turns facing each other in one-on-one combat! Each challenger can use any weapons she chooses. Matches will be decided when a combatant leaves the arena, admits defeat, is knocked unconscious, or is killed, and the winner gets to advance to the next round. The grand prize is a bottle of the 'love potion,' the ultra-rare Yandarian perfume possessed only by a Yandarian Queen, a perfume which can only be produced using the Queen's pheromones and is said to be so potent it can instantly make any man fall in desperate love with its wearer! (According to some legends, it even provides the man with <em>other</em> boosts as well!)" Said bottle was held up by Queen Lyra herself in the VIP box for the whole audience to see, while many in the crowd oohed. "Guess the winner gets to have a <em>very</em> fun honeymoon with the future King! Now then, are! You! Ready!?"</p><p>The crowd roared in anticipation. "Whoo! Yeah!" The Queen even jumped up from her luxurious chair in the VIP section to cheer.</p><p>"She just said your daughters could kill each other, and you're cheering?" Phineas lectured her.</p><p>"Dying in battle is something all Yandarians are proud to do," she responded.</p><p>"Seriously?" That just made Phineas worry all the more. "I've seen them fight! They won't hold back!"</p><p>"I'm looking forward to it!"</p><p>Phineas facepalmed.</p><p>"All right! Then, let's get ready to r―!"</p><p>"Wait!"</p><p>A single figure made its way onto the pitch. The figure was covered in a black cloak with the hood pulled high over its head. Its semicircular head sat at a height and was mounted to a slender frame Phineas knew he'd seen somewhere.</p><p>"Wait!" The cloaked figure said once more, now capturing the attention of every set of eyes in the stadium. "I wish to also participate in the tournament!"</p><p>It was so quiet, the entire audience could have heard a pin drop. And then―</p><p>"Isabella!" Phineas shouted from the Queen's quarters while waving his arms. "Isabella, thank goodness! You've got to help me!"</p><p>It was the hooded figure's turn to facepalm. "You revealed my identity too soon!" Isabella's voice yelled.</p><p>"Uh, who are you?" asked the announcer.</p><p>"She's Isabella! My girlfriend!" Phineas called from the booth.</p><p>"Dang it, Phineas, that was my one chance to make a cool appearance, and you blew it!" Sighing, Isabella pulled down the hood and shrugged off the cape, revealing that she was wearing a ratty black shirt and dark, patched up pants. A bandolier was wrapped about her right shoulder, and a dark gray beret sat atop her head. She looked determined and ready for battle.</p><p>"Your Majesty!" Isabella directed in a loud voice toward the Queen. "According to Yandaray's laws, any eligible bachelorette is allowed to participate in the tournament! And as a teenage girl from Earth, I am granted all the same rights of a Yandarian citizen! Isn't that right?" Isabella glanced at the announcer for confirmation. "Therefore, I demand entrance into this tournament!"</p><p>Every head in the stadium turned to the Queen.</p><p>Queen Lyra stood from her seat. "Earthling, do you really think you can defeat my daughters in pitched combat? I'm amazed you can even stand in this planet's gravity! How can you hope to stand a chance against them, who were trained from birth to be the galaxy's deadliest warriors?"</p><p>Isabella didn't flinch. "That may be true. I know I don't stand much of a chance. But Phineas is still my boyfriend! Of course, he's gonna be in a lot of trouble for leaving me all alone on that beach, running off with a bunch of pretty alien girls like that… But I can't abandon him! So just you watch me win! And if I do, I also demand that his engagements with the princesses be annulled as well!"</p><p>"Hold on!" Cassie spoke out of turn. "Mother, you can't seriously be considering this! Yandaray needs a new queen, soon! Otherwise, our whole species will be brought to the brink of extinction!"</p><p>"Cassiopeia!" The Queen's tone instantly silenced her daughter. "I know full well what is at stake here! However, how can I say no to a maiden in love?" She clasped her hands together in admiration.</p><p>Affected by Isabella's rousing speech, the crowd began to chant. "Let her fight! Let her fight!" Within seconds, the whole arena was shaking. "Let her fight! Let her fight!"</p><p>At last, Queen Lyra raised a hand, communicating she has reached a decision. The chanting died out.</p><p>"By my decree―" she began, as everyone moved to the edges of their seats― "What were we talking about again?"</p><p>Everyone fell flat on their backs.</p><p>"Oh, that's right, I remember now! By my decree, she can fight!"</p><p>The crowd went wild.</p><p>"No! Isabella, don't do this!" Phineas was not thrilled like everyone else. "Listen, they could seriously kill you!"</p><p>Isabella angled her body away from him and inserted a pinky in her ear to clean it. "That's strange, I thought I heard something just now. Was it the wind?"</p><p>"Isabella? Isabella, I know you can hear me!"</p><p>She continued to ignore him.</p><p>"There you have it, folks!" The announcer retook control of the situation. "That makes seven contestants, and now we're ready to begin! It's time for the randomized drawing to see who will be in our first match!"</p><hr/><p>A great wheel with each of the combatants' names placed in evenly sized pie slices was spinning and spinning, eventually slowing. Everyone watched the needle eagerly, waiting to see who would be in the first round.</p><p>
  <em>Click-a-clack-a-clack… Ding!</em>
</p><p>The first name to be selected―Phineas craned his neck to see.</p><p>The announcer read the spinner. "In the first match, contestant number one will be: Isabella!"</p><p>Phineas started chewing on his nails as Isabella took a deep breath and stepped forward.</p><p>"And her opponent will be―" The spinner started up again, whirling and twirling.</p><p>"Contestant number two is Miranda! All other contestants will now leave the field."</p><p>Miranda waited behind as the other five sisters moved to the sidelines.</p><p>"Hmm, interesting," Queen Lyra muttered.</p><p>"What? What's interesting?" asked the nervous wreck called Phineas.</p><p>"Miranda has always been the most timid and shy one of the group. Her hesitation and self-doubt have always held her back. She is, without a doubt, the weakest fighter among my daughters."</p><p>"You mean Isabella might actually stand a chance?" he asked hopefully. Before he could get an answer―</p><p>"Begin!" The announcer signaled the start of the fight.</p><p>"I must win, for Phineas' sake!" declared Isabella, charging forward and letting loose a battle cry. "Haaaahhh!" To Phineas' surprise, she didn't seem to be struggling with the gravity at all.</p><p>Isabella extracted a telescoping bo staff from the small rucksack on her back, raised it high, then struck a blow with all her might.</p><p>
  <em>Clank!</em>
</p><p>"She did it!" Phineas pumped a fist, then took it back. "Huh?"</p><p>Miranda had effortlessly caught the business end of the staff between her second and third fingers, holding it at a distance like it was a strand of yarn. "Oh, so that was your best strike, huh? I guess I overestimated you by quite a lot."</p><p>Isabella gritted her teeth, her arms shaking from the strength she was putting into the attack. Starkly contrasting this was the steady hand of Miranda, who was exerting so little effort to hold Isabella back she looked almost bored.</p><p>"Miranda may be the weakest one of her sisters," said the Queen, while Phineas looked on with his hands covering his mouth, "but compared to even elite soldiers from almost any other race, she would be considered extremely dangerous."</p><p>With just a flick of her wrist, Miranda tossed Isabella aside like she weighed no more than a pencil, disarming her of the bo staff. Isabella rolled and climbed back to her feet, while simultaneously extracting a small crossbow from the inside of her sleeves. She wasted no time in aiming and firing.</p><p>Stifling a yawn, Miranda deflected the dart with the bo staff without looking. Isabella tossed aside the crossbow and pulled a couple of small grenades out of her rucksack. Using her teeth to remove the pins, she tossed them Miranda's way and jumped for cover.</p><p><em>Boom!</em> The grenades exploded, shrouding the princess in smoke, but she didn't seem to care. Isabella flanked her opponent and, pulling something out of her rucksack Phineas couldn't see, she dove into the smoke.</p><p>Holding his breath, Phineas waited for the smoke to clear. Slowly but surely, it dissipated, revealing―</p><p>Isabella being held in a headlock by Miranda, who had a small knife held against Isabella's throat.</p><p>"Isabella!" Phineas stretched his hand out, but there was nothing he could do.</p><p>"Predictable, slow, choppy." Miranda tsked. "You're out of your league, I'm afraid." Loosening her grip, she flicked the knife over her shoulder, sticking it into the wheel spinner in a perfect bullseye from this considerable distance without looking. "You should quit. Don't you realize you are at my mercy? I could snap you like a toothpick right now! I wouldn't trust my sisters to show you this much restraint. Surrender already!"</p><p>Isabella grunted, then threw her hips back, catching Miranda off guard. Relying on her training in judo, hapkido, and jiu jitsu, the difference in strength no longer mattered; she could use her opponent's weight against her. Isabella rolled forward, kicking Miranda off her feet and throwing her bodily over her shoulder.</p><p>The Yandarian reacted quickly and adjusted in midair, gracefully landing on her feet. "You're definitely persistent, I'll give you that," she sighed, while Isabella backed away to rub her windpipe and catch her breath. But at least she was free of the chokehold.</p><p>"What if I told you this was all going exactly according to plan?" Isabella asked.</p><p>"Huh?" Miranda tilted her head.</p><p>Seizing her chance, Isabella tapped a small button hidden on the inside of her wristband, triggering the loop of rope Miranda was standing over unawares, snaring her ankle and lifting her upside-down into the air.</p><p>"Not bad," Miranda said, casually inspecting the trap. "You must have laid this while that smokescreen was up. Clever girl!"</p><p>Isabella picked up her bo staff and approached cautiously. "You're defenseless," she said, "so give me the victory!"</p><p>Miranda remained casually hanging by her ankle. "Just tell me something. Yesterday, you could barely stand under Yandaray's gravity. Although you are still not a threat to me, I must know how you improved so much so quickly."</p><p>Laying her staff against her shoulder, Isabella smirked. "It wasn't easy. After you left me stranded on that beach, I had to give it everything I had just to survive." Her vision rippled into a flashback.</p><p>"I had to train my body and my mind. Sharpen my senses. Hone my survival techniques." In her mind's eye, Isabella watched herself doing push-ups, sit-ups, and squats on the beach. Hours later, the sweat dripped down from her body as she swung her staff over and over against the backdrop of a beautiful sunset.</p><p>"Yes, after all that rigorous training, I was finally able to move about as well as I could on my home planet," she summarized.</p><p>"Wow, really?!" Miranda's eyes, as well as those of everyone within earshot, were shining. "That's so cool! My opinion of you really shot up just now!"</p><p>Isabella grinned. "Just kidding! Turns out our spaceship had a couple of exosuits in storage. They're made for wearing in high-gravity environments like this!" She pulled out the suit from under her clothes. To Phineas, it looked uncannily similar to a certain dancing exosuit he and Ferb had once developed for Jeremy a few years back.</p><p>Miranda's impressed demeanor quickly changed into a frown. "Wow, that's lame. I want my five seconds of being impressed back!"</p><p>"Surrender!" Isabella leaped forward and began raining down hits with her bo staff, but Miranda blocked every single one with her wrists without breaking a sweat, despite her position.</p><p>"You still can't lay a finger on me."</p><p>Isabella withdrew a pace. "It seems you're right." She gave the staff a resigned look before dropping it and withdrawing a feather from her bag. "Time to change tactics then! Coochie-coochie-coo!" She extended the feather and tickled Miranda mercilessly.</p><p>"Ahaha! Ahaha! No, stop! Ahaha!" Miranda writhed and contorted to escape, but Isabella didn't stop the onslaught.</p><p>"I said surrender!"</p><p>"Ahaha! No! Ahaha, never!"</p><p>"Amazing!" commented the announcer. "It seems Isabella has managed to bring the fight to a stalemate!"</p><p>"Whoo! Yeah, you can do it! Go, Isabella!" cheered on the crowd, having clearly picked their favorite.</p><p>"Don't you realize that you're cheering for your own extinction?!" Cassie turned and yelled to the stands.</p><p>"Oh, yeah, she's got a point," the crowd muttered, turning silent.</p><p>After putting her all into such a brutal assault with her only effective weapon, Isabella had to step back and catch her breath.</p><p>Miranda, having somehow endured her afflictions, took a deep breath and decided it was her turn. "Time to end this farce," she said, before wrapping her free ankle up in the rope and, like a pair of scissors, spreading her legs until the rope broke. She acrobatically landed in a pose with one leg out, the other supporting her weight in a crouch.</p><p>Isabella took up a stance, but the fight was over. Miranda sallied forward like the wind, laying a devastating combo attack on Isabella before she could react.</p><p>A moment later, Isabella was laying on the ground, covered in dirt and bruises. Her body quivered in pain.</p><p>"Isabella's down!" The announcer started the countdown. "One! Two! Three!"</p><p>Fighting through the pain, Isabella forced herself onto her hands and knees. "I can't lose!" she told herself. "Phineas is counting on me!"</p><p>"Four! Five!"</p><p>Grunting, Isabella tried to push herself up, but Miranda placed her boot on the small of her back, holding her down. "You won't be getting back up after I do this!" Having said that, she reached for Isabella's spine.</p><p>
  <em>Snap!</em>
</p><p>Everyone gasped.</p><p>Phineas cried out. "Isabella! No!"</p><p>"Relax! I just broke the exosuit, the girl is fine!" Miranda pulled the exosuit off Isabella's body and tossed it limply aside.</p><p>"Six! Seven! Eight!"</p><p>"No! This can't be happening!" Isabella fought with all her might, but now without the suit, there was no way she could stand on her own. "I can't lose!" She reached out and grabbed Miranda by the ankle, but there was nothing else she could do.</p><p>Miranda extracted herself from Isabella's grip and began walking away.</p><p>"Nine! Ten!" A bell rang out. "Isabella is out! The winner is Miranda!"</p><p>"Whoo!" The stands erupted in cheers.</p><p>Phineas' knuckles were white from gripping the handrail at the front of the booth. "Isabella! Are you alright?" he shouted, leaning over.</p><p>Isabella rolled on her side and smiled up at her boyfriend, totally exhausted. "I'm sorry, Phineas, I gave it my best shot, but I couldn't save you."</p><p>"No, it was my fault!" Phineas shook his head. "I wasn't paying enough attention to you yesterday. If I had, I would have realized what you were going through sooner. I am sorry!"</p><p>"Even stevens?" Isabella said, wincing as she tested her wounds.</p><p>"Even stevens!" Phineas gave her a thumbs up. "If I wasn't about to be married off, I would still want to be your boyfriend!"</p><p>"Oh, Phineas!" Isabella gushed. "Even if you can't ever leave this planet, I still want to be your girlfriend!"</p><p>"Aww!" The crowd awwed.</p><p>"What's this?" the announcer boomed. "It seems that Phineas' and Isabella's heartfelt reunion have captured the heartstrings of every spectator in this all-female, romance-starved audience! Why, even I'm choking up a little over it!"</p><p>Phineas looked around and realized there wasn't a dry eye to be seen. Even Cassie and her other sisters waiting on the sidelines seemed moved.</p><p>"Sob! How romantic!"</p><p>"Wah! It's so tragic!"</p><p>"Sniff! They care about each other so much, yet can never be together!"</p><p>"Hic! And after she tried so hard in a match she couldn't possibly win!"</p><p>Even Queen Lyra was dabbing at the corners of her eyes with a handkerchief. She stood and told one of her servants, "Bring the girl up here!"</p><p>Isabella was carried up into the royalty box and laid to rest on a hastily erected cot.</p><p>The Queen held the megaphone up to her mouth. "In all my years, I've never been so moved by the love two youngsters shared with each other. So, by my decree, I hereby grant―um, what was your name again?"</p><p>"Isabella."</p><p>"Right, I hereby grant Isabella honorary Yandarian citizenship! Once all my daughters are wed to him, I will allow her to be taken on by my future son-in-law immediately after, as a concubine!"</p><p>"Whooo!" The crowd whooed.</p><p>"Yes!" Phineas and Isabella cheered as well, then the rest of the sentence caught up to their brains. "Wait, what was that last part again?"</p><p>"Congratulations, daughter!" Queen Lyra placed her hand on Isabella's shoulder and gave her a warm smile.</p><p>Isabella's face drained. "You mean I'm―m-m-marrying―" She glanced at Phineas―</p><p>―then immediately fainted.</p><hr/><p>"And that brings the second match of the tournament to a stunning conclusion! It was a close one, but Stella pulled through in the end, eliminating Alexia!"</p><p>The stadium erupted after the thrilling bout, and a team of workers moved onto the arena to fix the damage, as there were multiple craters dotting the pitch. Alexia was carted off to the medical tent, although Stella had to limp there for treatments as well.</p><p>"Now, if you'll turn your attention with me to the spinner, we will see who our next matchup is! There are three combatants remaining in the first round, who will it be? There it goes, the wheel is spinning, and next up is―Phoebe!</p><p>"Now, let's spin the wheel one more time! Phoebe's opponent will be―Luna!"</p><p>Phoebe and Luna glanced at each other.</p><p>"So, looks like I get the easy win, huh?" Phoebe said with a greedy smile.</p><p>"I'll make you eat those words!" flared up Luna, squaring up to her sister at the center of the arena.</p><p>"And let the match―begin!"</p><p>"Haaaa!"</p><p>"Waaaargh!"</p><p>A shockwave rippled across the arena as the combatants traded blows furiously.</p><p>"The match is off to a flashy start! Phoebe and Luna are flying all over the pitch at incredible speed, and what power! It feels like I'm getting the wind knocked out of me just by hearing those crunching hits! Ooh, that's gotta hurt!</p><p>"And the battle has taken to the sky now, with Luna leaping high into the air, chasing after her sister! Oh, but what's this? Phoebe has piledrived her back into the ground, blasting a huge crater in the center of the pitch! But Luna's right back up and going at it, yowza! These princesses are really something else! My word of advice, Phineas, don't make any of your future wives angry!"</p><hr/><p>After checking both ways to make sure the street was empty, Captain Jabberwock cautiously emerged from the leafy covering in a tree he had climbed. He was running out of hiding places; luckily, he was almost to his goal. Perhaps even more luckily, he still had all his clothing. The huge amphitheater where the tournament was being held, and where he had located his bounties, was just ahead. Most of the locals were crowding inside for the tournament, allowing him to finally sneak in without being seen and, more importantly, without being hit on, flirted with, or picked up.</p><p>This was two planets in a row this job had taken him to, now, which were absolute nutcase worlds with people who deserved to be kept in insane asylums. None of this ridiculousness seemed to have anything to do with his curse, he figured it was just plain bad luck.</p><p>He strolled through the lower level of the amphitheater and took a peek onto the field. A couple of Yandarians were buzzing back and forth at eye-popping speeds, filling the air with clashing noises that made his skin crawl. He had a lot of confidence in his muscles, so he figured he could handle one Yandarian in a fight if things came to that. But apparently they were all sisters, so if he picked a fight with even one Yandarian, the whole planet would probably have her back. He had to be careful.</p><p>Scanning the field, he saw a VIP section with a wrinkly old grandma―come to think of it, that was the first Yandarian he'd seen on this planet who wasn't drop dead gorgeous, simply due to her age. Then, to her side, was the boy with a triangle for a head and red hair. The grandma was watching the fight on the battlefield eagerly, but the boy was looking at something inside the booth―there! The girl was there as well! Perfect, they were still together. Well, the girl didn't look like she was doing so well, judging from the way she was lying there.</p><p>That wasn't good. The Shipper wouldn't want them injured.</p><p>He held up his communicator. "Andromeda, I have eyes on the Earthlings. It's not gonna be easy to get them out, though. Andromeda? Are you there?" He didn't get an answer.</p><p>Cursing, the Captain put away his communicator and scanned the area, looking for the best course of action.</p><hr/><p>Phoebe bull-rushed at Luna, letting loose a war cry. Luna stood her ground, waiting for the right moment―and at the last second, swung the huge wooden hammer that was almost as big as she was, slamming Phoebe into the solid stone walls surrounding the field. Phoebe gasped at having the wind knocked out of her.</p><p>Luna wasn't done. Dropping the weapon, she pounced forward and grabbed Phoebe from the impression her body left in the rock. With Phoebe's stunned body in tow, Luna ran down the side of the pitch, skirting the wall, grinding Phoebe into the marble with so much force that pieces of rock were being shattered away from the wall. Without allowing her sister to recover, Luna swung Phoebe around and tossed her at incredible speed, launching her into a corner of the stands with so much force it caused the stadium to shake and nearly blasted apart a section of the bleachers, while also sending spectators scattering from their seats.</p><p>
  <em>Ding ding ding!</em>
</p><p>"Phoebe has been ejected from the ring! Phoebe is disqualified! The winner is Luna!" screamed the announcer in a frenzy, as the crowd went nuts at that climactic finish.</p><p>"Haha! Yeah!" Luna flexed her muscles, smiling brightly. "That's what you get for underestimating me!"</p><p>"Hey! What gives?" A deep, angry voice bellowed from the stands somewhere in the vicinity of the crash. "I have had it up to here with this planet! First, I get sexually harassed everywhere I go, then I am forced to reckon with the fact that for once my big muscles don't make me the strongest one around, and now I'm having things thrown at me?"</p><p>A muscle-bound, blue-skinned alien emerged from the rubble where Phoebe had crash landed, baring his fangs. He climbed down the bleachers and hopped over the wall onto the pitch, marching up to Luna to give him a piece of his mind. "What is this, intergalactic 'pick on a man' day? I'm just here minding my own business, trying to track down a certain bounty, and this planet keeps throwing me sucker punch after sucker punch! I've had it!"</p><p>He then stopped and looked around, realizing he had caused a big scene. Now, tens of thousands of Yandarians were looking at his masculine body with lustful eyes.</p><p>"Razzjadoth droppings," he cursed.</p><p>"Captain Jabberwock!" Phineas said.</p><p>Luna, who was utterly dwarfed standing in front of him, didn't seem to hear a word he said. She was just looking brazenly at his bulging pectorals and chiseled abs, which were so defined they showed through his tight gray shirt, leaving little to the imagination. "Dang, son! I didn't know there were men in this galaxy who looked like this!" Her eyes were bulging to the size of grapefruits, and a trail of drool dangled halfway from her mouth to the ground.</p><p>"See? This is what I'm talking about! I'm not an object, I'm a space pirate, and I'll be collecting my bounty now, so stay out of my way!"</p><p>Captain Jabberwock turned on his heels and sprinted across the pitch, headed for the royalty box where Phineas and Isabella were.</p><p>Before he could make it halfway, a strawberry-haired girl who was as breathtakingly beautiful as Andromeda herself jumped in his way, drawing a sword. "Oi! Where do you think you're going?"</p><p>Captain Jabberwock dug his heels into the ground, gritted his teeth. "Listen, you! Yandarians aren't the only race in the galaxy with super strength! So if you don't want a piece of this," he patted his biceps, "you best step aside, girlie!"</p><p>Seemingly one of the few individuals in the whole arena that wasn't showing any interest in his physique, Cassie's brows furrowed. "I don't know who you think you are, but as the eldest princess and one of the future queens of Yandaray, I can't let you take one step closer to our Queen, and my mother!"</p><p>"I don't care about your Queen!" Captain Jabberwock spat. "I'm here for the Earthlings!" He pointed at Phineas and Isabella.</p><p>Cassie's face flushed with anger. "You mean you're here to take away my future husband, the man who makes my loins burn every time I look at him, and Yandaray's future king?"</p><p>"Wait," Captain Jabberwock halted, his face falling. "You selected <em>him</em> to become Yandaray's king? This pipsqueak from Earth?"</p><p>"Yes! Yes we did!"</p><p>"But she told me that was supposed to be impossible for a weak species like the humans!" Balling his fists, Captain Jabberwock fell into a cursing rage. "Dancing fuddlediffs! Piece of crawling Tarantatian nooglebach! Flying germalagus fur! Spathactic revoblasting actrobyootes! Higglespindle trash!" He stomped about for a good minute. Not far away, Miranda had to use her hands to stop Luna's ears, protecting her younger sister from the vulgar diatribe. "If you already selected that boy as your king, taking him to the Shipper now is going to start an all out war against Planet Yandaray!" concluded Captain Jabberwock.</p><p>"I'm glad you can appreciate the scope of the situation," Cassie glared. "I suggest you surrender before you make things any worse for yourself!"</p><p>Captain Jabberwock twitched spastically. "If I don't deliver the humans to the Shipper, I'll never be released from my curse," he muttered. "Nothing, not even being killed by Yandarians, is worse than that. I'll just have to do it!" Steeling himself, he faced Cassie. "Fine! It looks like I go through you! Hraaah!" He charged.</p><p>Cassie jumped back and took up a stance, pointing her sword. She then leapt into the fray, slicing and dicing. Captain Jabberwock dodged the blade, then lunged sideways to create some space for himself. Drawing his blaster, he fired several bolts Cassie's way. Using her sword, she deflected all of them.</p><p>"I've seen that fighting style before," Captain Jabberwock said, dancing in a circle with his opponent.</p><p>"That's impossible," Cassie responded, swooshing through the air with her blade. "The person who showed me this while we sparred as children is probably long dead by now."</p><p>"Guess again," said the Captain, firing off a few more laser blasts. "She's currently serving as my first mate."</p><p>Cassie gasped, and due to that momentary lapse in concentration, one of the bolts grazed her left shoulder. She winced in pain and stepped back, placing a hand over the wound.</p><p>Seizing his chance, the Captain shot off in the direction of the royalty booth.</p><p>"Oh no you don't!" Using her good arm, Cassie threw her sword. It sliced through the air, heading straight for Captain Jabberwock's heart.</p><p>
  <em>Clang!</em>
</p><p>"Huh?"</p><p>Just before the sword had reached its mark, a figure had appeared, descending from the sky as if she were an angel. She was certainly as beautiful as one, and with her sword, she had deflected the projectile.</p><p>Andromeda rose from her landing pose, lifted her head, and squinted at her younger sister. "Cassiopeia."</p><p>Cassie smirked and let go of her shoulder, which wasn't bleeding very badly. "Andromeda."</p><p>"Andromeda!" The Queen jumped up from her chair and waved. "Yoohoo! Mommy's over here! Oh, look how big you've grown! I've missed you!"</p><p>A vein on Andromeda's forehead bulged. "You were the one who banished me in the first place, remember?" she shouted back.</p><p>"I did?"</p><p>"Yes! And I still haven't forgiven you!"</p><p>"Oh." The Queen sat back down, looking like she was thinking hard about something.</p><p>Cassie walked over and picked up her sword. "You shouldn't have come back, big sis," she said with a smirk. "Now there's nothing stopping me from killing you."</p><p>Andromeda merely glared icily in return. "We'll settle our differences later. For now, I have a proposition. As the eldest of the Seven Sisters and the true heir to the throne, I invoke my right to enter this tournament, for the chance at winning and becoming Yandaray's new Queen, as well as taking Phineas for my own."</p><p>Cassie frowned. "Idiot! You were banished years ago! You have no right or claim to the throne! You lost those when you turned your back on all of us, betrayed the Queen, and left this planet to head out on your own!"</p><p>"It's okay!" the Queen shouted from her seat with a wave and a smile. "I say Andromeda can be in the tournament!"</p><p>"But Mother!" Cassie hollered.</p><p>"Are you talking back to me?"</p><p>"No, Mother! Sorry, Mother!" Turning back to glare at Andromeda, Cassie pointed her sword at her sister. "Andromeda, I will relish the opportunity to hand you the punishment you've been running away from for all these years."</p><p>"Go, Andromeda!" Queen Lyra cheered. "Spank her silly!"</p><p>A vein appeared on Cassie's temple. "Mother, aren't you supposed to love all your daughters equally? What's with this blatant favoritism?"</p><p>The announcer's voice rang through the stadium. "I don't know what else to say but wow, folks! In an unexpected turn of events, we now have another competitor! That brings us to the final match of the first round, and it looks like it's gonna be epic! The two oldest and most experienced princesses, Andromeda and Cassiopeia, are set to fight next!"</p><p>"Great." Phineas slumped as he watched from his seat beside the Queen, while Isabella rested nearby. "Now I have a space pirate as a potential suitor. As if I didn't already have enough to worry about."</p><hr/><p>"Oi, Andromeda, what should I do?"</p><p>With all the drama, it took this long for Captain Jabberwock to have a chance to speak. Andromeda was still standing between him and Cassie, shielding him with her body.</p><p>"Captain," Andromeda responded frankly, never taking her eyes off her opponent, "you are not going to like this, but I need you to do the thing you always do."</p><p>"What? Are you serious? No! No no no! No way, Jose, I am not doing that!"</p><p>"Trust me!"</p><p>"You have to be joking! You're the one who is always lecturing me about it!"</p><p>"I never joke!" Andromeda lifted her sword. "On my mark, be ready."</p><p>"Just what are you up to?" Cassie asked, narrowing her eyes.</p><p>"Three."</p><p>"Are we actually doing this?"</p><p>"Two."</p><p>"Whatever you're planning, it won't work." Cassie took a defensive stance with her sword.</p><p>"One. Now, sir!"</p><p>"Oh, fine! Urghhh!" Flexing every muscle in his body, Captain Jabberwock's clothes swelled and bulged to maximum capacity, then exploded in a puff of fabric, leaving him in nothing but his underwear.</p><p>"Oooooh!" All the women filling the stadium squealed in unison, their eyes twinkling at the sudden feast that presented itself to them.</p><p>"Ewwww! Disgusting!" Cassie alone shielded her eyes. "Who is this pervert?"</p><p>"He is the infamous Captain Wyler Jabberwock, wanted all across the galaxy for his many crimes of indecency!" Andromeda seized the moment and struck Cassie upside the head with the butt of her sword while her guard was down. Cassie fell to the ground, knocked totally unconscious.</p><p>"Uhhhh!" The announcer wiped the flowing river of drool from her mouth. "I mean, Andromeda wins! Wait, what's this? The crowd is rushing the field, but not because their home team won! I have never seen anything like this in all my years as a sports commentator, but they're all chasing that dreamy, hunky space pirate, who is running for the exit like his life depended on it! Which it probably does! What am I even still doing here? Wait up, ladies, I'm coming too! Save some of that manmeat for me!"</p><hr/><p>Andromeda made for the royalty box unnoticed amidst all the confusion, making it up in a single leap.</p><p>Seeing as even Queen Lyra had joined the throngs chasing after Captain Jabberwock, Phineas and Isabella were completely unprotected. Phineas instinctively placed his body between Andromeda and Isabella's resting form, but the space pirate held up her hands. "I'm not here to kidnap you," she said. Moving slowly, her hands reached behind her waist and extracted an exosuit like the one Isabella had been wearing. "Take this. It will help you get back to the ship before order is restored."</p><p>"You're <em>helping</em> us?" Phineas asked.</p><p>"It's just business," she replied icily. "We need you to escape on your own before we capture you and deliver you to the Shipper. If we simply abducted you now, it could start a war with a planet that would take a thousand systems from the Galactic Hub to win."</p><p>Phineas hesitantly accepted the exosuit. "Uh, thanks," he said.</p><p>"I'm not doing this for you," Andromeda said, hiding a slight blush. "Now get out of here. I still have to save my boss."</p><p>Phineas nodded, then placed the exosuit against the base of his spine. Automatically, the stickfigure-esque device extended itself around his hips, joints, and spine, assuming the load-bearing in place of Phineas' body.</p><p>"Whoa! I feel amazing!" he said, moving his limbs freely for the first time since arriving on Yandaray.</p><p>"Hurry, take your girlfriend and get off this planet!"</p><p>"Right!" Phineas stooped over and gently scooped up Isabella's sleeping frame. With him wearing the exosuit, she felt light as a feather. He quickly dashed off, marveling at how it even did all the work while running, too. With this on, he felt he could sprint at top speed for hours. He would definitely be back to the ship in no time.</p><p>Andromeda glanced to her side. A vial of her mother's perfume sat left behind on the cushion of her vacated seat, like it had fallen out of her pocket somehow. It was free for the taking.</p><hr/><p>The ship was waiting beside the lapping waves on the shore, right where they'd left it. Phineas opened the hatch and stepped inside, gently laying Isabella aside so he could fire up the engine. The spaceship rumbled as it lifted off from the sandy beach, the pitch of its humming drowning out the noise of the crashing waves. Then it kicked into gear, and the ship whizzed off into the sky, leaving the picturesque seashore behind.</p><p>Placing the steering on autopilot, Phineas carried Isabella's limp body to the medical bay and laid her on a cot. She didn't seem to wake at the jostling, so he gently placed a hand on her hairline, smiling down on her. She was so cute. He couldn't help himself: he bent over and kissed her ever so softly on her brow.</p><p>Then he turned to leave, but inexplicably, her hand subconsciously reached out for his, keeping him at her side.</p><p>Phineas exhaled and pulled up a chair, deciding to stay. He didn't let go of her hand after that.</p><p>In Praise of Romance II: Lovetopia―Chapter 8: We Who Are About To Wed Salute You</p><hr/><p>
  <em>Preview</em>
</p><p>"<em>Squeeeee! Aren't Phineas and Isabella so cute? Are they your OTP as well? Because they're definitely mine!</em></p><p>"<em>Hey hey, it's me, the Shipper! Guess what? I get to do this chapter's preview!</em></p><p>"<em>Phineas and Isabella have managed to avoid my clutches so far. How much longer can they keep it up? How many more planets are they going to shipwreck on? And most importantly, when are they going to have a full-blown make out scene!? Ehehehehe! Ah, dang it, my nosebleed is back…</em></p><p>"<em>Find out next time on Lovetopia!" Title TBD...</em></p>
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